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Wednesday, December 21, 2005

Changes

Everyone should carefully observe which way his heart draws him, and then choose that way with all his strength." --Hasidic Saying I turned in my two-week notice to TNT yesterday. How the hell I ended up in a place like that I just couldn't say. It was like a vampire...sucking the life out of me. Maybe it was so I could meet some great people who did make me feel good to be around...but the job, the environment...totally not me. Why do I feel so down today? What is missing? Something.

Ponderings

Where are the positive influences? The role models? The wise? Why do I feel the same way over and over in repeated cycles? I have become numb, then overly-emotional...overly analytical, ignorant, wise. Why do I hate so much about myself? I can't forget all of the terrible things that have happened to me...I can't be the person I want to be. Why is that? I am closed off from the world. I am lazy. Have I given up? If only.......what?

Dissappointments

I expect so much more out of people...they ALWAYS disappoint me. "Want to make God laugh? Tell him your plans..." I want stability. I need a rock to stand on to enjoy the view safely and soundly. As I sturdy myself, the view becomes more beautiful. The rock gets higher, expanding, strengthening. I can reach the sky. I can see all that I desire to see. I can feel the warmth of the sun. The haze evaporates. My senses strengthen. I can focus...things become clear. Gravity takes on new meaning as my feet leave the rock and I can float out of the atmosphere. I can see what I couldn't fathom. "Afoot and light-hearted I take to the open road healthy, free, the world before me, The long brown path leading wherever I choose." --Walt Whitman

Wednesday, November 23, 2005

Time flies and I made friends with a Bobcat!

Working 10 hours straight makes the week zoom past, but the weekend seems to move even quicker! Sunday I went with my friend Stephanie to see her sister and new baby in Walker, LA. When we were leaving this little animal jumped up on the porch and was running in between my legs rubbing all over them. I couldn't figure out what the hell it was! It was a baby somthing-or-other with a weird tail. I finally picked it up and realized it was a baby Bobcat kitten!!! Someone had chopped its whiskers off. It was so cuddly and purred a lot. While we were trying to figure out to do with it I played with it for a while. It acted just like a regular kitten, but was much stronger. It nibbled on my fingers and bit my nose. EVERYONE wanted to keep it! I just happened to have the number to the LSU Vet School in my phone (after finding an injured squirrel on campus once) so I called and they agreed to meet me there if I was willing to bring it to them. I got so attached to it in just an hour and a half, but I knew that it was for the best. They said they'd give it to someone who rehabilitates wild animals and then release it back into the wild. That's probably the best thing for it...hopefully it won't wander back and get trapped by the wrong people!

Thursday, November 03, 2005

Day of the Dead...Again?

Well, Mike's grandma died Friday night. Went to another wake today. She was over 80 and had been in a nursing home for the past 5 years with Alzheimer's (same thing my grandmother has).

It made me finally go see mine on Sunday. It's been a very long time since I visited her. I felt so bad because she was in terrible shape. All that's left of her life is a hospital bed, a name on the door and a closet full of clothes with her name written in black marker and her room number attached to them. Half of them didn't even look like they were hers. She had no tv. No chair. A small handful of pictures on the wall.

Her hair was gray, flaky and dirty. All of her skin was flaky and her shirt had food all over the front. She had white whiskers coming out of her face and nails with peeling red fingernail polish. I barely recognized her. Her beautiful blue eyes were hidden behind heavy, slitted-looking lids. Gone was the beautiful elegant blonde woman and in her place was this withered, lost, gray-haired woman (and she's only 63).

I heard that her husband has even remarried already (she's been married several times). She could talk to me though. She told me that she remembered me when I asked. She also hugged be back tightly and said "I love you too" when I told her that I loved her. I really did fear that she had whithered away even further than the condition I found her in.

I bought her a small porcelein doll today. Maybe she'll treasure it. Maybe it'll flicker a memory for her from time to time. She used to buy my sister and I these dolls for birthdays and Christmas. We both sold them all when we turned 18. I wish I could go and get them all back. I could have given them to my daughters. I was young and trying to be rid of any reminders of childhood. I try to have no regrets in my life, but that's one that I can't say no to.

I wonder what she thinks when she's able to think.

Friday, October 28, 2005

Day of the Dead

I thought I'd share that one of my co-workers, Dave Johnson, was killed last night in a car accident. It was a punch in the gut. He turned 51 the day before yesterday. I haven't known him long (1 month) but I was overwhelmed from my own and the grief surrounding me at work today. Makes you take a second look at the people around you, knowing they could be gone in an instant. For some reason I feel like I may have been put in this place (job that I hate) for this reason for these people. I think that we go through things in our lives, learn from them and go on to touch other people's lives with our newfound or aged wisdom.

Tuesday, October 11, 2005

These days

I thought I'd have more time for doing things AFTER I graduated, but that doesn't seem to be the case. Now I have to work 7-5 every day. Add the half hour of traffic before and after work and my days are pretty much shot! I was going to quit and go to Real Estate school. Mike was going to support me and to pay for it, but then we had a meeting at work and they really wanted me to stay. They think I'm a great asset and that I could do great things for them. They think that I can get my foot in doors that guys wouldn't be able to. So now I'm an Inside Safety Salesperson. I had told the Vice President that I'm not interested in inside sales because I don't want to be tied to the phone and be surrounded by four walls everyday. He assured me that I would have the opportunity to move into Outside Sales. For now I'm the Shaw contact. They have a contract with FEMA for post-hurricane clean-up and we are one of their main distributors. It's funny because Mike is now the representative of Shaw for the safety committee at the plant that he works at! Weird.

Wednesday, September 21, 2005

random and nonrandom

I think that a true artist would not allow deleted scenes to be seen along with their finished product...do you want to see all of the shit that got deleted because it didn't fit the artist's vision? Maybe not. Taking a story and making it into your own version, like a movie does from a book...is a cool idea. I think there should be more than one version of a movie from a book in order to see a different perspective. I want to sit and talk with Dave Pelzer. Resilient, compassionate, a role model to me. I want to be the person that chooses songs for movies. My boss offered me another job today. They are trying me out at one of our companies to see if I want to learn Inside Safety Sales and concentrate on doing that company's marketing. The place is a dump compared to the nice corporate office I've been working in, but it fucking beats sitting on my ass all day in misery. I get to wear jeans and tennis shoes! Woohoo! But now I have to work with a bunch of guys breaking their necks to get a look at me. Creepy. I worked at Airborne Express and felt like a piece of meat...to the point of changing the types of clothes I wore to seriously considering sexual harrassment charges. I'm a little older now and I know when to tell people to shut the fuck up when they start going too far. Mike wanted me to pick up everything and move to Minnesota today. He sent me a text while I was sitting with my new boss, his daughter, and the outside sales rep...yikes! I'll be able to do that kind of stuff later, but not now. I'm stabilizing my life for a while...letting the mud harden under my feet, but not long enough for the dust to settle.

Saturday, September 17, 2005

Opinions are like assholes...

I love CNN. They tell a good story. I'm serious, like, they go and find the person that will put the worst most realistic face so that people sitting on their cozy asses at home might feel half-compassionate. The sad thing is how desensitized we can become to the plight of other living, breathing, feeling human beings. Tangent.... At work today, we were discussing an e-mail someone got and whether it was racist or not. I was sitting in my dungeon cubicle (in the back office, all alone, hidden away from everyone) listening to my all-white southern-born co-workers talking about the class/race issue and Hurricane Katrina. I could only IMAGINE what it said. I finally couldn't take any more and asked to read it. I read while the whole office of 6 people debated or defended, I should say, this e-mail, obviously written my a young Texas man, and his experience helping evacuees in the AstroDome and being offended by them not thanking him and being greatful for their cots and water whining about losing their homes and being too DEMANDING! It was rediculous! Even more rediculous was how the racism came POURING out of some of them. I couldn't believe the things I was hearing. I understand, now, why their was a Klu Klux Klan and Black Panthers. People are brainwashed and blind...on both sides. Southern whites feeling like black people are lazy and wanting everyone to give them somehting they didn't earn. Southern blacks feeling victimized and discriminated against because they are black, poor, and can't take it anymore. I asked myself, what would lead a person to shoot at someone there to rescue you? Maybe this person is so angry, so desperate, so washed of any type of human compassion, not caring about proper social interactions. These gangs of guys going and raping people (a 13 year old girl!) in the convention center. I heard of this girl who's husband was shot and she was gang-raped. I don't know the factual details, but I ...i can only begin to imagine her level of suffering (and I've suffered A LOT...those of you who know me most know the things that happened to me). What pushes people to behave the way they do? I read an article (maybe I posted it) about the best and worst being brought out of people, but what made those people the way they are? Not the color of their skin for sure, or is it? What you look like determines a lot about your experiences in life...even your personality. It's how you cope with the world in place around you. And now I see the argument on CNN b/t the levels of government in human form and the poor hispanic population in Kenner who barely speak English who are totally lost that's been for gotten. They have no house, but FEMA wants to give them food, water, and ice, but no roof over their head. The woman says "no more house" and "they don't come back" and it breaks my heart! Once again, I don't know the facts, but watching tv, I see FEMA falling apart. They are undertrained the former leader, an attorney with no disaster experience. Is this Bush hiring his buddies and putting them in high-level positions. Feel free to correct me with the facts...I'm all ears. I'm biased, I am...I admit it. I called my church today and said we should challenge the members to adopt a person to "mentor" from another race, kind of like Big Brother/Big Sister. I think it would be great for all of us to experience that other viewpoint. It helped a lot when I went through CASA training as a minority. The majority of the kids, staff, and the volunteers where black and I'm white. I was also a student worker in their office and can you believe it...they were teaching tolerance and understanding of another race and I was being discriminated against...I said I lived in the ghetto (Tigerland in Baton Rouge is college ghetto) and I was taken aside by a white woman who said one of the black supervisors was upset. Now THAT is what I call rediculous. Aren't their white ghettos, hispanic ghettos, and other 3rd world country ghettos? I really wanted to ask "Does everything have to be a BLACK thing?" I would love for a black person to read this and offer advice on their view of my level of racism...can it be called that? ...I want to help rescue the animals that were abandoned by their owners in New Orleans. I want to open a recycling business. I want to be a famous play writer (I've never even thought of writing one for real until today). I want to go to law school and become a judge...maybe even be on the Supreme Court someday. Maybe I could run for office and mabye I'll be President someday. I want to go to seminary and study religion, maybe join a convent. I could get so deep into my mind that I learn to fly...I'll be one of those flying nuns the Dalai Lama heard of before. Maybe I'll go to Israel and the Kaballists will read the right Hebrew letter in my forehead and they'll teach me the Torah and the secrets of the real universe. Mike and I can become National Geographic photojournalists and travel the world together. I'll write books that will be studied, I'll make my brother famous, I'll save my family from their ignorance and poverty. I will write a book that becomes a movie...i'll be a director...that's it. I'll make new kinds of art. The art experience. I'll write songs and they'll be famous. It's so much easier to be lazy and sit here and type while I dream. One step at a time.

Wednesday, September 14, 2005

Hurricane clean-up

Wow, went to Mississippi this weekend to clear trees off of Mike's Grandmother's house. It is a disaster area. Nothing was untouched. We cut up and cleared 14 trees, most of them 80 ft. pines. One was on the house, but didn't damage it. The poor lady (who's more than 90 years old) was in the house alone during the hurricane! She said she almost shit herself...funny.

Tuesday, September 06, 2005

a thought

We wasted time trying to get people into our minds. This is energy we should be using to figure ourselves out.

Friday, September 02, 2005

Hurricane Effects

Mike and I had plans to go to Disney World Sept. 9 for 5 days. It was going to be his birthday/graduation gift to me. Then Katrina came and now that is at the bottom of my priority list. Mike works at one of the Shell refineries and was told to go home and fill up on gas and use as little of it as possible because there would soon be a gas shortage. There actually seems to already be one. Right before the storm we had to go to 4 different stations before we could get gas. It's amazing the rumors that are flying around Baton Rouge. Supposedly there was a riot downtown and the S.W.A.T. team had to be called in. Two different rumors of people being shot and riots taking place at two different Wal-Marts. Wow. I was terrified for a few hours, but then these rumors are investigated and found to be false. Rumors are dangerous. Look at the bridge stampeded that just killed hundreds in Baghdad. It's just amazing how fast they spread and how widespread they become. As far as the way people are acting, these kinds of things bring out the best and the worst in people. I plan to volunteer at LSU this weekend. As far as work, it's not business as usual. We have locations near New Orleans and in Plaquemines Parish and have no word on them. We have more than 200 employees at those locations and are trying to locate them all and establish communications systems. So far we've only located about 20 thanks to a single telephone we plugged in at the office when there was no electricity and then a message board we were able to set up, but these are mainly top management and sales people. We've had two families of our employees show up at the office asking if we could help them and several calling us asking the same. We've been tracking information and trying to find jobs at other locations in case they have nothing to go back to. It's times like these that I wish I had more resources. If anyone local knows of places for rent PLEASE pass that on to me!

Thursday, September 01, 2005

Not a popular theory, but a thought that flashed nonetheless...

Weird how all of the casinos in Biloxi and Gulfport have been destroyed, the Exxon/Mobil plant in Chalmette has been submerged in water, and the projects of New Orleans have been flooded. I was wondering if this was the wrath of God, kind of like Sodom and Gomarrah or the great flood. Just a thought. My new co-worker, Tom, from California just moved here and had nothing. I offered him my table and chairs, I never mentioned they were for sale, just that he could have them. He came and picked them up and offered me $40. To a broke ass like me that's a lot of money. I told him "No, I don't need that. They were in my way anyway." I went ahead and accepted $20. Not long after he pulled out of my driveway there was a knock on my door. A chick from the Louisiana Bucket Brigade. I wanted her to go away because I was watching tv and I didn't want to hear her schpeel. I took a second look at her. Little, tired-looking, actually kind of cracked out looking with her blood-shot eyes with a sort of begging look in them. Then I remembered myself, last summer, going door-to-door for the Sierra Club (where I was actually telling people about the devastation that could occur if we didn't do something for New Orleans...funny how I was walking through the neighborhoods right next to the levy in Metairie and the wanted nothing to do with helping out). I asked her if she had change. She pulled out 13 wadded up bills and a few coins and said that's all she had. I said that was fine. She left me with info. about the nasty Exxon/Mobil plant in New Orleans and the damage it was causing to the citizens and environement. Life is so ironic.

I think the answers are found in the irony. Why do babies die, bad people win, and good people lie?

Tuesday, August 30, 2005

Hurricane

Wow! I survived the storm. It's amazing. Mike and I were just at the SuperDome in New Orleans on Friday and now New Orleans is under water! It seems that all of the places that I've visited recently have been hit: Mississippi, Alabama, Florida. It's scary. I went to the levy yesterday at the height of the storm. CNN was there. Got to see Anderson Cooper, although I didn't get to meet him. A chick that was with him wanted to interview me. I made a fool of myself on national television. It went something like this "You're from here, don't you know better?" and me saying "they made me do it". Ugh! I'm praying for everyone that's been affected by the hurricane. My sister's fiance's family has no home to go back to. Everying is flooded over in Port Sulphur in Plaquemines Parish and they are going to leave it under water. Now the 45 members of his family have to restart their lives here in Baton Rouge.

Saturday, August 27, 2005

My Golden B-day!

It's my birthday, yeah it's my birthday! Gonna party cause it's my birthday! My boss gave me two awesome seats to the Saints game last night. Right on the ground, 35 yard line. Football was actually fun to watch for once!

Sunday, August 21, 2005

thoughts

Whoa! I wondered when/if it would ever happen and it did. I'm an official "grown-up" now. Almost 27 years old and I'm just now realizing that I am an adult. Wow. Did you know that reincarnation can happen when you are alive. You can live so many lives in one lifetime...it's overwhelming when you stop and see that it happens. It's so weird how you think you know all you need to know until you learn new things and gain new insights. I hate know-it-alls. I've been one for so long...glad I know I'm not one now. I like that song...Free your mind, and the rest will follow...

Friday, August 12, 2005

Graduated

So I graduated today...got the cool expensive LSU diploma frame I've been wanting as a gift from Mike and my family. We all went to Joe's Crab Shack, it was cool. Mike brought me beautiful flowers and a balloon. He made my day! Noone else called to congratualate me. Guess everyone that really mattered was there.

Monday, August 01, 2005

...

Always slightly out of touch You have to repeat things because I'm probably daydreaming. Sudden bouts of depression You have to reassure me because everything can fall apart. Just a little dramatic You have to point it out because I can be oblivious.

Saturday, July 30, 2005

Phase II of my life

I talked to my boss the other day and asked what they were going to offer me when I graduated. She says "$23,000, that's what we start everyone at," I think my jaw hit the floor. Was she joking? I rattled off my list of everything I've done for them for the past 4 months and what I had in store for them as well so she goes "Ok $24,000" like that made it all better. I didn't have my negotiating shoes on apparently or I would have realized I should have tried to go higher! Well that moment's lost now.

She asked me what my plans were with them and I told her point blank "to make money, so I want to be in sales". She said that I could definately do that and in the meantime do what I'm doing (which is basically a mix of corporate communications and marketing). You can check out my work if you want.

Go to this site and check out the copy, I wrote a majority of it. Mainly the Home page and the About Us page:

Industrial Welding Supply

Go to this site and check out the About Us, it's a condensed version of an article I had written and also check out the success story on the right side link, my first article about them and knowing NOTHING about the company at the time:

TNT Welding Supply
On the other hand though, all of the executive officers went to Denver, CO and just got back yesterday and told me that I was a topic of conversation at their meeting with "The Big Group" (which is a national coming together of all of these similar companies to share ideas) and they were arranging for MY future!!! I was surprised big time. Lori, my boss, told me that they were planning to do a lot of local training for me and then they were going to be sending me to train with The Big Group partners over the next year in places like Des Moines, IA, Seattle, WA, and Pittsburgh, PA.

I'll stop looking for another job now.

Saturday, July 02, 2005

poem inspired by a movie that just made me cry and look within

Mei the Wind"
Beauty Love Passion
TRUSTFAITHCOMMITMENT
Disorientation
Clarity
Erased
Resignation
A slow disintigration
Hope
despair
Pain
Tears
FearFearFear
Hate.
Welcoming death
Lost
I am
I am not
A prophet
a fool
Lunatic
Deranged
Paranoia
Clairvoyant
Intuition
Delirium
In tune
out of touch
the space between everything.
by Christine Schultz

Thursday, June 23, 2005

We named him "Lynx"

so my boyfriend and I were at Lowe's, outside in the garden center (in the rain) when we spot this little kitten way up on some pallets of mulch and rock. It's mom was there to, but she ran off. The worker people told us we could "rescue" it (i didn't want to take it away from its mom) and everyone convinced me that it was best. So now we've had it for four weeks and we still haven't agreed on a NAME! Help. It's adorable, spunky, black, furry, honey-eyed, purrr-ful, looks like a bat or a gorilla. My brain isn't functioning well in the name dept. and nothing fits the little thing. It's a boy, by the way.

Wednesday, May 25, 2005

Completion

Woohoo, today is my final Unitarian Universalist class. I've been going once a week for four weeks now and I'm happy that I'm completing yet another thing...one of my self-healing vows has been to try to complete the things that I start...I'm pretty well-known for giving up on things before seeing them through (namely jobs, relationships, friendships, and leases). I'm doing pretty well, I must say.

Wednesday, May 18, 2005

Life these days

Well, I ended my last full semester with a 3.0--average, as usual. I can't wait to no longer care about gpa's!!! I'm LOVING my new job. I'm considered a Marketing Intern, which is really cool. I'd always been interested in it. Now I'm working for a Management company and it's all up to me what my job is. I am given suggestions and visions of ideas and told to make it happen...creating something out of nothing!!! They think I'm an awesome writer too...all this time I'd really thought I've just been fooling my professors...seriously. They paid the guy that did some of the stuff that I'm doing now $75/hour!!! I think I wasn't supposed to find that out, but I did. I don't think I'll ever make THAT much, but I'll do ok. I'll have to see what they offer me once I graduate in August. They've already told me my position is safe and say things like "When you're full-time with us" so it all sounds good. I actually can't believe that it's time to go home by the end of the day...I really enjoy myself!!! Never thought I'd ever be saying that.

Friday, May 13, 2005

ammends

So, for some reason, I did some in depth e-mails to all of my professors this semester. Why? I dunno. Maybe I feel like I'm getting closer to their age bracket...hell, I don't know. I'm just sick of my stupid self being so shy when it comes to my grades. I can only help myself, right? I'll report back on whether it worked or not... I'm moody. Blogs are stupid.

Wednesday, May 11, 2005

today

overwhelmed hot...muggy, louisiana hot wired too much frappucino and caffeine pills tired brain is rebelling against me indifferent wish i could fastforward finals week

Sunday, May 01, 2005

Satire about the infant in the womb and that indention above your lip!

From 

Reimagining the Bible: the storytelling of the rabbis

 By Howard Schwartz

Itzik Manger was first and foremost a poet; he wove aggadic themes into ballad-like poems that later became the words to many popular Yiddish songs. When the destined time for a child to be conceived arrives, God says to the Lailah, the Angel of Conception: "Know that this night a woman shall conceive. Bring forth a sperm." This the angel does, and the Lord then decrees if the child will be strong or weak, male or female, wicked or righteous, rich or poor, beautiful or homely, tall or short. God then makes a sign to the angel in charge of the spirits to bring a certain spirit hidden in the Garden of Eden, whose name is given. This angel brings forth this spirit before God, and at that moment God says: "Enter into this sperm." The spirit, however, always pleads with the Holy One, blessed be He, not to be forced to enter the impure world of being, for it is holy and pure. But God explains that He created the spirit only for this purpose and compels it to enter the sperm against its will. The angel then causes it to enter the womb of its mother. During pregnancy, two angels watch over the embryo. A light shines upon the head of the child, by which it sees from one end of the world to the other. During the day the angel shows the child the rewards of the Garden of Eden, where the righteous sit in glory with crowns upon their heads, while at night the punishments of Gehenna are revealed to him, where wicked angels beat sinners with fiery staves. At the end of the nine months, when it is time for the child to be born, the same angel comes back and tells the child to come forth into the world. And the child always begs to remain in the place where he has become accustomed to dwell. The angel then tells the child that he was formed against his will and that he will go forth into the world against his will. The angel then lightly strikes the child above the lip with its finger, causing the child to forget whatever it has seen. Then the angel extinguishes the light shining at his head and brings the child forth into the world. And as it is brought forth, it cries.

Wednesday, April 27, 2005

a dirty look works for once

sitting outside the union, doing last minute reading b/t classes... ah, the day is beautiful. Birds singing...hum of students as they pass me by. Quietly reading, enjoying my solitude amidst the bustle... Then... YACK! YACK! YACK! Two bitches sit NEXT to me (forgetting there are OH SO MANY other places not located directly next to someone in deep concentration) yacking their fucking heads off as if they need everyone in the world to hear their conversation! Solution: Headphones and Sarah McLachlan...I shoot them a smug "I win" look. Back to reading with a nice soundrack heightens my absorption of Emmanual Levinas on theology and God's absence from western philosophy... I deeply inhale the sweet spring air...yum... YUCK! My lungs fill with smoke... my eyes dart over past the gabbling hacks and a girl is taking deep drags off a nasty cigarette... I picture the commercial about the receivers of second-hand smoke blowing smoke out of their own mouths... I wonder how to show her this at this very moment... Instead I shoot her a dirty "you are slowly killing me look" and wait... she gets up and leaves. SHE GETS UP AND LEAVES?! That never happens... ...that must have been some dirty look...or quite the coincidence.

Monday, April 25, 2005

Mischief and Me

This weekend explodes with stories.... I'll be brief. Mike and I decided to be adventuress we hopped the gate to the Pete Maravich Assembly Center to get a better look at the massive tiger habitat they are building. That not being mischievious enough, we climbed the tennis stadium and ran around like crazies. On the way out, we were trying NOT to be seen by traffic. He made it out undetected but as soon as I was dangling mid-air a car pulls right up to where we were...my reaction? ...to drop from 8 feet in the air landing on my left hand and my ass OUCH! We skiipped off giggling like chilluns (but my wrist HURT)! Helped my sister move into her new place. Searched up and down the Southdowns community for a house. Found it on the third day. It's BEAUTIFUL! Oh, did I mentioned he asked me to move in with him?! I think I did. We also went to the Unitarian Universalist Church again. They had the coolest Earth Day program ever. I signed up for their environmental committee... I'm becoming domesticated...sorta.

Monday, April 04, 2005

In retrospect to a suicide wish

If I had ever succeeded in those days when the spiraling downward had stopped...at the bottom, in ending my life, it would have been such a tragedy...in retrospect. I became indifferent, lost, sunk into despair...who knew that it was temporary? I wonder about those who succeed...lost souls...but then I think about the ones who live their entire lives in little worlds surrounded by tall walls that have been constructed around them by themselves and circumstance w/out a window to see the stars and beyond...that's the real tragedy. I am waking up....I can see the stars....

Friday, April 01, 2005

meaningless chatter

I hear so many people talking who never SAY anything...I am so uninterested in what too many people have to say. I like deep, meaningful conversations... I wonder if I'm a snob? I don't think I am, but I really don't care to interact with people unless they have some kind of purpose in my life...hmmm I think tha t people probably misperceive me... It's kind of a paradox, though, because, at times, I just say whatever is on my mind, however meaningless it is. I guess in certain situations, I hate the quiet, so I talk. I'm slowly starting to see that I get on my own nerves when I do this.

Tuesday, March 01, 2005

new poem

Acquisition of Knowledge I lie in contemplation Vibration, pulsation as mind and body join to dance. Let it flow Let it flow Bypassing dams of obligation. Labor is in vain. Patience is a virtue? History’s vocabulary. It’s cliché It’s cliché All come from someone’s wisdom with meanings lost in memorization. Perceptions of emptiness in a heart or a mind. A house that’s not a home. Despair Despair Such tragedy this self-damnation. The blind lose sight not vision. Perhaps they are humanity’s sacrifice. Always searching Always searching Each day is a revision, A quest for new wisdom.

Saturday, February 26, 2005

my calling

i feel i've been searching for this for so long, never satisified with anything because I know there's something more important coming. I'm taking Political Theology and getting a lot out of it. Today I had a light go off. I'm interested in Religion (enormously) and even more in spirituality and philosophy. I have found that I am talented when it comes to teaching, though it can be boring and requires a lot of patience. I'm also very drawn to writing. I see we have a dilemma in our country where separation of church and state are concerned and there are issues about teaching "religion" in school. I am extremely interested in politics (my major). I think that it can all be tied together...I have some things I'm going to check into as well as talking to professors for suggestions, but I see a "there" I want to get to...finally.

Tumultuous

I admit this to my soul: Like Israelites longing for Egypt, the land that oppressed them, I hear the songs of their now unbeating hearts. I pine for a love that grounds me, though one that afflicts and chains me. A thing that weighs me down snuffing out my light and sucking out my breath. This persistent desire makes a slave of me. When a vision of liberation flashes before me, boiling beneath my skin, a gripping fear of the unknown halts then paralyzes. I crawl back into my cage, self-defeated, pulling the door closed behind me. My captor turns the lock and I kiss his feet through the iron. He grabs me up by the hair, my face pressed into the bars, and nuzzles me gently. Black bitterness engulfs my heart flooding it with rage. I cling to him and repress the seething in my chest. Left to burn silently until it might dissipate.

Tuesday, February 15, 2005

me?

beautifulwittycharmingfunnycuteawesomecontemplativecarefulwise cheerykindgeneroussensualsexualsensitiveintrospectivecuriouswondrous adaptivestrongworrisomefearfulhesitantlusciousbodaciousconfident selfconsciousthoughtfulplayfulyouthfulmoodyfickleimpulsivegraceful interestingintriguingperceptivealertstressproneelegantalluringenrapturing

Friday, January 28, 2005

GOOD...this homework is stimulating my brain...

So I just started reading about the Vietnam War for my Political Psychology class and this quote from Harry Truman's Secretary of State, Dean Acheson, caught my attention: "The choice becomes one between courses all of which are hard and dangerous. The 'right' one, if there is a right one, is quite apt to be the most immediately difficult one...In these cases the mind tends to remain suspended between alternatives and to seek escape by postponing the issue." Hmmm...so interesting. This also reminded me of my notes for my Political Theology class from Monday. We are studying tragedy at the moment. There's a 19th century thinker named Hegel who sees Greek tragedy as "tragic" because it shows irreconcilable conflict...two great forces at work and both are good. Of course this gets me thinking about my Jeremy/Mike situation. I'm pulled in two directions and so I just sit in the middle...like it's a tug-o-war with a tie so noone goes anywhere! I'm just waiting it out...Mike is leaving for Texas, he wants to fly me out every chance I get to be near him...so he basically wants a long-distancerelationship. Jeremy is HERE and he's WONDERFUL...so much fun, so adorable, makes me feel great...what to do, what to do?

Thursday, January 27, 2005

Repost from someone else's blog comment (liked it alot)

Do you really think that "God gave you this life?" In a way, he has, but in the same way that a sculptor "gives" shape to his statue. God created all of us for a purpose, only known by Him, which we all hope to discover one day. So, God didn't "give" you life in the sense that the author intimates above... Your life is merely one of the many means that God has brought together to satisfy an ultimate end that he has pre-planned. So, in conclusion, in order to truly "live" your life, you must live out God's purpose in you. To live your life "your way" would be like the sculptor's statue saying, "I don't like this pose. In fact, I don't like being a statue. I'm going to be a kite." You can see why this is doomed to fail. First of all, what creation has any right to tell its creator that it made it wrong?! If it wasn't for the creator, you'd still be the proverbial uncut stone. Secondly, no matter how hard a statue tries to be a kite, it will never fully become one, and will live out a life of frustration and, ultimately, failure. The reason that Christians get so pissed is becase normally, some activist wacko is somehow (whether directly or indirectly) effecting their life or collective lives, and keeping them from living out their God-mandated purpose. Anyway, I've tried to shed a little light the best I can. However, you will never hope to understand a Christian vantage point without reading the Bible (all of it) first. All I ask is that you don't lump all Christians into one basket based on one bad experience. If you get mugged by a Chinese man, will you consider all Asians crooks? If you get ripped off by a Jew, would you consider all Jews swindlers? I should hope not, since that is blatant stereotyping, as well as racist. So just because some elitist asshole that claims to be a Christian preaches fire and brimstone to you, don't automatically assume the same of me. Live and let live. Only some of us will end up doing it eternally.

Wednesday, January 26, 2005

Progressive Revelation

I've been on a quest, it seems, for a religion that fits me...I pretty much grew up going to Southern Baptist and Pentecostle churches, was married to a Catholic and engaged to another Catholic and dated two Muslims, one Shi'ite and one Sunni. I've been to the Buddhist temple and talked w/ the monk there and I've been to a mosque while learning about Islam. Not too many months ago, I went to the Bahai Faith Unity Center (on Perkins for anyone local reading this) and learned some about their faith...which, so far, is the one I'm the most astounded by. They believe in the concept of "Progressive Revelation" that all religions at one time or another were what God intended us to follow...here's a quote to explain it better: "There can be no doubt whatever that the peoples of the world, of whatever race or religion, derive their inspiration from one heavenly Source, and are the subjects of one God. The difference between the ordinances under which they abide should be attributed to the varying requirements and exigencies of the age in which they were revealed. All of them...were ordained of God, and are a reflection of His Will and Purpose." --Baha'u'llah

Tuesday, January 18, 2005

i wanna know...

i wanna know why i can't see what other people see, think what other people think, dream what other people dream. why can't i see me from someone else's eyes? what does it take to penetrate those minds; to dig deep inside? can i expand the walls of my mind? remove the veil from my eyes? how can i get inside?

Wednesday, January 12, 2005

words on impulse

and she said it then froze. he heard, but nothing touched him. raindrops formed, falling from pregnant eyes. lava errupted and flowed from the heart, bleeding pain, hardening into black stone...

Tuesday, January 11, 2005

emotions make you cry sometime (H-town)

so mike bought me flowers today...red roses and says he's ready to commit to me and doesn't want to lose me and he's been an idiot. tonight he admitted deep feelings, but says he's not in love...he said the dream and thought of me w/ someone else made him jealous and he didn't understand what was going on with himself. i don't understand exactly either. i know i'm very attached and was well on the road to DE-attaching when this change came on...all i want is to be happy.

Monday, January 10, 2005

if anyone reading this even cares about my navel...

so mike came over today saying he missed me and had a terrible dream i was w/ someone else...uncanny. he is being abnormal for him...showing emotion, sharing feelings, being regretful, apologizing for keeping me at arms length so many times...what the hell?! he sees me being strong and can't handle it. he's moving away for an unspecified length of time, choosing $$$ over me, what the hell was i supposed to do?! someone tell me please if you have the answers! i'm in love w/ him...damn emotions, i hate them (so i hate hate?)...whatever. i like jeremy, a lot. why? he makes me laugh, listens to my whoas, understands me to a very deep degree, weird stuff. oh and he's funfunfun! so mike. so jeremy. so goes my heart once again.

Thursday, January 06, 2005

Wednesday, January 05, 2005

writing advice from my Angry Poets group

All piffle & twaddle – influence of Bottom Dog man. For real “decadents” read Huysmans & other French authors. Diarrhea of words – stew of classic allusions. Fuck Artemis et alia! Don’t put intellect in your prick! Write honestly even if poorly. Humor is weak – immature. Try drugs and compare two kinds of writing. Try using only Anglo-Saxon words. Throw your dictionary away! Don’t mix realism with poetics! If you can’t make words fuck, don’t masturbate them! When you speak of Cunt put hair on it! Try to forget everything you learned in college. Try talking like an ignoramus – or an Igaroti. Read, for emetic, “Palm Wind Drinkard.” You will learn to write only when you stop trying to write. A line without effort is worth a chapter of push and pull. First ask yourself if you have anything to say. Don’t draw the pen unless you are ready for the kill! If you don’t get rid of the Classics you’ll die of constipation. Never show any one what you’ve written until a year or two later. Use the axe to your 1st draft and not the fine comb. The latter is for lice!!!
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