Ponderings

Where are the positive influences? The role models? The wise? Why do I feel the same way over and over in repeated cycles? I have become numb, then overly-emotional...overly analytical, ignorant, wise. Why do I hate so much about myself? I can't forget all of the terrible things that have happened to me...I can't be the person I want to be. Why is that? I am closed off from the world. I am lazy. Have I given up? If only.......what?