The wild cats strike again

These dreams have been haunting me for years now. Huge wildcats tenaciously stalking me. Last night I was in the jungle with other people & someone else's little baby that I was adopting (he was Asian). I had to climb a wall to get away from them & it was a wall of gardening tools. I started throwing the tools down to the other people to ward off the cats. I took a huge pair of shears & stabbed it down into one of the cats...sending the others cowering away. As I climbed down the wall, most of my fear had dissipated.

The Wonderment of my Life

Everything that has ever happened in my life has led to this. All of the memories, the lessons, the love & the pain have prepared me to be the mother of this little child. Nothing else matters. I have beaten so many odds & struggled to keep myself from becoming a statistic. I've achieved EVERYTHING I've ever set out to do. I've loved & lost, laughed & cried. I've reinvented myself time & time again. People have came into my life & consumed me briefly & a select few have been everpresent & steadfast over the years. I have been wreckless...throwing caution to the wind just to see what would happen. I never wanted to wonder "what if". If I was curious about it, I did it. I am so glad that I allowed myself the experiences of my past. I am so happy that I allowed certain people into my life, even if losing them meant losing a part of myself. In return I've received so much more. Life has taught so many important lessons & I have paid attention & now apply them in everything I do. I believe whole-heartedly in Karma. I have been its victim time & time again, yet once I realized that my actions caused my fate, Karma has been a gift. Now I have the most wonderful husband & child that I never could have imagined. I am so grateful for my life. I am constantly reciting the Serenity Prayer because it is quite possibly the most profound thing I've ever heard. I share it constantly with those struggling in their lives. If you are reading this, take a minute & recite it to yourself:
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can;and wisdom to know the difference.
Living one day at a time; Enjoying one moment at a time; Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace; Taking, as He did, this sinful worldas it is, not as I would have it; Trusting that He will make all things rightif I surrender to His Will;That I may be reasonably happy in this life and supremely happy with HimForever in the next.Amen.
--Reinhold Niebuhr

Reincarnation

From spiritandsky.com:

There is a theory among those that believe in reincarnation that all life forms contain spirit. The spirit is born as a small entity, in the smallest of creatures. As lifetimes are lived, the spirit evolves, passing from one physical existence to the next, working its way up the spiritual ladder of evolution until ultimately re-joining itself to it's original creator. Then, possibly, the cycle starts over again.

The idea is not so much we are not worthy to go directly to heaven, but rather we are not ready... It is thought that lifetimes, in different forms, evolving upward, is the very reason for our existence in the first place. This theory makes all life connected to a common thread. It makes all life forms related, brothers and sisters if you will, on this seemingly endless spiritual journey we all must take. It is thought that the evilest of people evolve, or devolve, step back a peg or two in order to relieve, or learn spiritual lessons so they can resume forward growth. In this theory ALL are saved, and ALL no matter what, will one day rejoin the creator in the great cycle of life.

Reincarnation, if it's real, does not require your belief in it. It is thought to be as natural as a seed sprouting, growing, then dying. But is it real? That's up to you to figure out dear friend!

We all think Ours is the Only One

I have been reading A LOT about how to care for a baby. Every chance I get I'm looking up articles online or reading one of the zillion parenting magazines I'm subscribed to or books or whatever. It seems that I have a "high-needs" baby or a "hyperalert" baby. I thought all babies were high needs...Isaac needs to be held constantly. He naps in my arms & wakes up soon after I lay him down. People like to say he's "spoiled" already, but EVERYTHING that I have read says that a baby cannot be spoiled. I really don't understand how people can tell me to just put him down & let him cry it out. The greatest thing about him is his little personality. He is such a happy baby most of the time...of course he has to have my constant attention. His latest thing is blowing bubbles & kicking my hands with his feet. He smiles all of the time & "talks"...a lot. The cutest thing is when he talks in his sleep. I'm almost waiting for actual words to start coming out of his mouth while he's sleeping; i mean, he never talks like that when he's awake. It almost sounds like he's speaking a foreign language or something! Anyway, back to the "high-needs" thing. They say these types of babies are super aware & develop at a faster rate because of their intensity & determination to get their needs met. He's like me in the fact that he doesn't want to miss out on anything & will fight his sleep, but he's like Mike in that he will wake up at the crack of dawn full of energy. Whatever is the case, I feel like I'm doing a pretty good job...it just wears me out!

Found her

Apparently my cat is pathetic. A woman & her husband were walking by my house & India (of course) meowed to them, "hugged" one of them by trying to climb their leg, then kept following them (she does this a lot). She wasn't wearing her ID tag because she kept getting scabs on her neck from it so I had taken it off of her (stupid thing to do if your cat is an indoor-outdoor animal). The lady took her home & made flyers. She was hanging them up when she saw one of ours. She brought her home safe & sound last night. Whew!

lost cat

Since I've brought my little guy home I have had zero tolerance for my cats & birds. It's like my temper is so short with them now...especially my Siamese, Shiloh. He is the only one that will not listen or learn. He's SO BAD & OBNOXIOUS. He is constantly into the baby's things, on the tables, knocking things off of shelves, & beating up our more timid cat among other things. He used to get all of the attention, but I don't have time these days. The other cats are fine, it seems, but this one just keeps getting under my skin. He has started running out of the front door every time I open it with baby in hand. He runs off & I can't catch him. Today I just left him outside for a couple of hours until Isaac finally went to sleep & now I can't find him. He doesn't have a collar on & I'm worried about him. I've been threatening for a while to make him an outdoor cat, but those were just empty threats because I'm so scared he'll get hit by a car or stolen. We have a microchip in him, but I'm still worried. I'm not sure what to do! I've been all around the yard with a bag of treats calling him, but he is nowhere!

Life with a Newborn

It is definitely not easy having a newborn. He was sleeping really good at first, but the last two days he's been waking up every one to two hours. It's not so bad on the weekends because Mike and I take turns, but during the week it's rough because I'm up all night with him. They say to sleep when he sleeps but it's hard if he never sleeps! Well, he's sleeping right now, but I have to eat sometime & clean my house & brush my teeth & do laundry & feed my animals. Being a new parent means your time is no longer your own. Things are better, though, as far as recovering from the surgery. There's still a lot I can't do, but getting in and out of bed is no longer impossible. I think I had the post-partum blues, but those are overwith now as the pain slowly subsides. Mike's family has been great. His sister has been helping out a lot. My mom has even came over a couple of times to help out. He's getting cuter & cuter everyday too. He loves to groan & complain, especially when he's asleep. He smiles in his sleep too. I can't wait until he can start playing & interacting. There's just so much to look forward to. Oh & Mike is done with school this week. He'll be certified to become an estimator. His job already had him start last week on planning for the jobsite he's on. It's great...hopefully he'll start getting paid salary soon! I'm so proud of him!

Birth Story

Isaac Michael Grenat was born at 6:19 p.m. He was 22 inches, 8lbs 15.4 oz. I woke up with back pain at 4 a.m. then my water broke. I had no doubt it was my water breaking because it just never stopped. I was scheduled to be induced this upcoming Monday, but baby had other plans. We rushed to the hospital where they checked me & I wasn't dilated except for the 1 cm. So the started the Pitocin to get it going. By later that day, 3 or 4 maybe, I was finally dilated enough to start pushing, but I was way too wore out by then. I had an epidural, but somehow it didn't alleviate all of my pain. I still had incredible upper back pain. They kept moving me from one side to the other. I hated that I couldn't feel my legs. When I was on my right side Isaac decided to curl up in my ribs which was so incredibly painful that I couldn't stop crying. They kept giving me apple juice to wake him up which only made my heartburn & reflux 100 times worse. I kept throwing up. I pushed for 2 1/2 hours, but his head wouldn't budge. I could see his hair the whole time, but he was turned the wrong way. The doctor couldn't turn him either for some reason. She said she didn't feel comfortable. It was something about one of us had too much swelling. Finally we ended up doing a C-section. I had been running a 102+ degree fever for some reason too. They ended up putting IVs in him to give him antibiotics. He ended up having jaundice & having to be under lights. We were in the hospital for 5 days. When we came home, he still had to have a home health agency come out & monitor his bilibrium levels & I had to keep him on a light bed for another 3 days.

Pregnancy Journey

Anxiety over labor

I'm getting anxious. Everyone seems to be in a big hurry for me to go into labor, but I'm perfectly happy waiting until the due date! Yesterday we went to the new Cabelo's so I could do some walking...I'm feeling so UNFIT these days. On the way home I had awful shooting "down there" pains. I don't know what you'd call them. I usually have them at night. They don't fit the description of what everyone tells me contractions are like, so I really don't know. They went on for about half an hour, then stopped. I'm finding myself worrying constantly about how Isaac will be. I just watched a thing on autism this morning & got all scared with the "what ifs". I also worry about things like Down Syndrome & things like that. All three of my grandmother's brothers were born deaf and her sister had two mentally retarded children. I keep looking back over the course of my pregnancy hoping that I didn't do anything that would make for anything but a healthy baby. I know I should stop worrying, but it's a pretty hard emotion to turn off.

counting down to b-day

Went to the doctor on Thursday. She did an exam & says I'm 1cm dilated. I asked about effacement & she said that my cervix was still very thick. I guess that means 0 effacement? She also told me that she wants to do an ultrasound with next week's appointment to check on his size & position. I was surprised & very happy! I'm wondering if it has anything to do with me gaining 7 lbs in 1 week??? She didn't say & I didn't think to ask. She told me she'd be able to give me an approximate weight...which is so cool! I'm just happy that I get to see him & I have a time & date!

Happenings

Still haven't spoken to my mother. I don't care anymore really. I had my doctor's appointment today. 1 cm dilated...same as two weeks ago. I am excited because I get to have another ultrasound next week...WOOHOO. I'll post pictures for anyone interested. My doctor wants to see how big he is...hopefully not TOO BIG! I'm getting some serious anxiety about the approaching labor. On a really happy note, I found an awesome pediatrician. He's my doctor's uncle actually...his name is Dr. George Schwartzenburg for anyone who may be looking for one. I've also been contemplating what to do with myself since I'm going to be a mom. I can't sit around at home...I'll go nuts. I am researching a business idea that has me really excited. It's something that could be fairly easy to get started. It's kind of like Plato's Closet, but for kids. I have way too many ideas about it to list here. I've also been offered an opportunity to help Mike's mom out with her business. She owns two antique stores & is interested in selling online & offered me a commission to handle that end. I'm thinking about it seriously. Last but not least I'm thinking of doing a Medical Transcription course. I know someone who has been doing it for 5 years and loves it. I took a pre-qualification test & did really well on it. It would be good to have something like that to always fall back on. I like to have a lot of options open & I hate being tied to any one thing, so I guess that's why my spirits are so high right now...there are just boundless possibilities right now! Oh & Mike is on his last class for estimating. He started a new project this week where he's in charge & making lots of money. I'm just hoping he's able to find a really great salaried position somewhere...preferrably sooner than later...so that he doesn't have to be out in the field all of the time where he doesn't get vacation time or paid holidays or money for days when it decides to rain & they send everyone home. It's just not reliable. We'll just see.

Baby Shower

Had my baby shower yesterday. My mom didn't bother to show up. Neither did anyone else in my family except my sister! My family SUCKS (except my sis of course)!

Back to work

Just a quick update

I'm back at work...yes, at that awful law firm that I couldn't get away from fast enough. It's not too bad. It's part-time without all of the responsibility. It's a mutually beneficial relationship right now. I need the money & they need the help. I am still counting down until my last day, Oct. 5. I'm getting so nervous because I'm about to have my little one!

Brain Mystery

I dreamed last night that I went to the place where Dan was killed, except it was a gas station in the dream, not the bar. I realized that there was a camera that could have captured the whole thing so that we could know once and for all what really happened. I went & asked the employee if they still had their tapes dating back to March 9, 2002 (I asked for the exact date of his death in my dream) & they went into this room with rows & rows of shelves & neatly arranged & ordered video tapes and handed me the tape. Of course I couldn't get the answers from the tape, because there's probably no such thing in existence, but it's interesting that my brain is still trying to understand/comprehend what really happened while I'm asleep. It's still an unsolved mystery & my brain just can't cope with that still I guess. Of course I've heard the versions of what happened, but nothing short of being there or seeing it on video will ever truly satisfy me.

Hurricanes & Honeymoons don’t mix

I'm super nervous right now because we are flying into the Carribean Saturday & that bastard Tropical Storm Dean is expected to hit there by Monday. I'm really not sure what to do...any suggestions?

Nightmares

Well, I'm finally a NEWLYWED!!! I am glad the wedding nightmares can finally come to a halt. I'm still having CRAZY dreams though. Last night I had one dream which was very similar to one I had when I first found out I was pregnant. I dreamed that I had never gone into labor or anything & suddenly, there was the baby. This time he was born the day after my wedding. I was just laying in bed at home. He was still attached to me with the umbilical cord. For some reason I was working at some restaurant & was worried about missing my shift...the next day I realized I had never called to let them know I couldn't make it because I had given birth (I'm unemployed in real life). People kept coming by to see the baby & I kept looking for it because I couldn't remember where he was (almost like an object that I had lost). I ALSO dreamed last night that Mike & I were traveling down the coast (Pacific) & were trying to find a place to sleep, but all of the places were more like hostels than hotels & the guests were all there for some weird water sport that I don't think exists in real life. It was really late & we could only stay if we had the proper equipment for the water sport. We were going there specifically for snorkeling, but had left our gear at home (perhaps this is an anxiety dream for our honeymoon this coming week to the Carribean in Mexico?). At one of the places the person running the place was very annoyed with us for arriving so late & said we would wake everyone, so we left. At the next place we were standing just inside the building talking to a woman running the place & the ocean was just hitting outside her door. I remember being so scared because I thought it might wash us away. It turned pretty much into a nightmare from here. It was when I saw the water lapping at the door that I realized how muddy & turbulent the Pacific was & wanted to leave & go back home right then. As we were trying to leave, there was a huge storm & huge waves splashing everywhere, trying to carry us back with them to disappear forever. Then a killer whale kept washing up in front of us & kept trying to get Mike. I kept trying to save him, but then it tried to get me too. Then I realized our cat, India was there & the whale was trying to get her too. After I had successfully got her out of the way, I realized another cat was with us (a ferral that we have been feeding the past two years that we've named Smokey) & the whale was trying to get him too~! What a nightmare. Just before I woke up I was having another dream about two women who were lesbians who had just had a child. They were doing some type of documentary about them being just as good of parents as anyone else, but as they were talking they were walking in a river. One was stroking a crocodile talking about knowing what to do to handle it. Suddenly, I became the woman & the crocodile kept trying to bite me. I was in the water & couldn't get footing, so I kept trying to hold its mouth closed, but it kept trying to turn and turn in the water to drown me. Somehow I made it out of the water, but the crocodile was chasing me...it could run just as fast as I could & the phone rang...suddenly I was awake...THANK GOD! I have nightmares like these ALL OF THE TIME!

We got hitched!!!

Well, I'm finally a NEWLYWED!!! I am glad the wedding nightmares can finally come to a halt. I'm still having CRAZY dreams though. Last night I had one dream which was very similar to one I had when I first found out I was pregnant. I dreamed that I had never gone into labor or anything & suddenly, there was the baby. This time he was born the day after my wedding. I was just laying in bed at home. He was still attached to me with the umbilical cord. For some reason I was working at some restaurant & was worried about missing my shift...the next day I realized I had never called to let them know I couldn't make it because I had given birth (I'm unemployed in real life). People kept coming by to see the baby & I kept looking for it because I couldn't remember where he was (almost like an object that I had lost). I ALSO dreamed last night that Mike & I were traveling down the coast (Pacific) & were trying to find a place to sleep, but all of the places were more like hostels than hotels & the guests were all there for some weird water sport that I don't think exists in real life. It was really late & we could only stay if we had the proper equipment for the water sport. We were going there specifically for snorkeling, but had left our gear at home (perhaps this is an anxiety dream for our honeymoon this coming week to the Carribean in Mexico?). At one of the places the person running the place was very annoyed with us for arriving so late & said we would wake everyone, so we left. At the next place we were standing just inside the building talking to a woman running the place & the ocean was just hitting outside her door. I remember being so scared because I thought it might wash us away. It turned pretty much into a nightmare from here. It was when I saw the water lapping at the door that I realized how muddy & turbulent the Pacific was & wanted to leave & go back home right then. As we were trying to leave, there was a huge storm & huge waves splashing everywhere, trying to carry us back with them to disappear forever. Then a killer whale kept washing up in front of us & kept trying to get Mike. I kept trying to save him, but then it tried to get me too. Then I realized our cat, India was there & the whale was trying to get her too. After I had successfully got her out of the way, I realized another cat was with us (a ferral that we have been feeding the past two years that we've named Smokey) & the whale was trying to get him too~! What a nightmare. Just before I woke up I was having another dream about two women who were lesbians who had just had a child. They were doing some type of documentary about them being just as good of parents as anyone else, but as they were talking they were walking in a river. One was stroking a crocodile talking about knowing what to do to handle it. Suddenly, I became the woman & the crocodile kept trying to bite me. I was in the water & couldn't get footing, so I kept trying to hold its mouth closed, but it kept trying to turn and turn in the water to drown me. Somehow I made it out of the water, but the crocodile was chasing me...it could run just as fast as I could & the phone rang...suddenly I was awake...THANK GOD! I have nightmares like these ALL OF THE TIME!

Wedding Day

We had to be in Mississippi by 11 a.m. to do our rehearsal. A few of us met in Denham Springs so they could follow us there without getting lost. Mike & I fought the entire way there. It didn't seem like a good start to the day. Once we got there, we did the rehearsal...I was so stressed out with trying to coordinate what to do with our entire entourage for the day. I'd have to say the stress peaked there & never rose again.

My sister, niece & I went to the salon to get our hair & my make-up done. We were there pretty much the whole rest of the day. We made it to the lodge in just enough time for her to get her make-up on, me to see the beautiful job the florist did & to say hello to the crowd that was there already & then to get dressed. I didn't even have time to be nervous. My stylist said I was the calmest bride she's ever seen. It wasn't until I saw that we only had 15 minutes until time to walk down the aisle that I started having a hard time catching my breath. As soon as I walked through the door my eyes welled up with tears. The ceremony was beautiful. I was a little worried about the vows the Judge used because I had never got to see them in advance. She seemed to be wanting to keep them a secret. I had actually asked to see them, but she never let me. I should really learn to trust professionals, though. They were exactly what I didn't know I wanted to say. She talked about the importance of marriage in society. I couldn't agree more. I hope I can get a copy. I've never seen Mike look more adorable. The reception went perfectly. We had way more people than we had imagined would come. We really only planned on 40, but it was closer to 60 that showed up. Everyone seemed to enjoy themselves. There were little sparkly hearts all over the tables as part of the decor & by the end of the night they were stuck all over everyone's faces...even the elderly women. It was too funny. The other funny thing was the bouquet/garter toss. The women lined up to catch that bouquet. My aunt caught it & you could almost feel the veil of disappointment sweep over the other single ladies who missed it. For the garter toss, there was only a handful of guys. When Mike shot it back to them, you could see them half-way attempt to grab it, feign disappointment & let it hit the floor. My four-year-old nephew happily grabbed it up. Silly boys.

I think my favorite part of the entire day was the Bed & Breakfast we stayed at afterwards. It was the most beautiful place I've ever stayed. They had chocolate-covered strawberries & non-alcoholic pear champagne waiting. Our host also brought us hot tea & small cinnamon muffins to snack on. We had a hot tub if we wanted to use it (I didn't ...being pregnant...it's a no-no), but we did get to enjoy their beautiful claw-footed tub draped with lace curtains. They had ever amenity you could imagine...I'm not sure any hotel could compare. When we woke up he had breakfast (DELICIOUS), juice & coffee ready for us.

I had been dreaming & imagining of every possible scenario that could go wrong. I've read that something ALWAYS goes wrong & you just have to roll with it, but NOT A SINGLE THING went wrong. It couldn't have gone more perfectly. I am hoping the honeymoon to Mexico next week goes just as smoothly.

Getting ready

I was at the salon yesterday from 10:30 until 2 p.m.!!! It's amazing what great color can do for a person...I look totally different right now. I'll put pictures up some time. I just don't know how some women can go to the salon on a regular basis...I guess it's all about the money. Sometimes it makes all the difference when you FEEL like you look beautiful though...so I guess it's worth the splurge every once in a while...especially for my WEDDING DAY. I also did the mystic tan at Planet Beach...I have to say that was absolutely frightening! I thought I was going to die of Claustrophobia! My sister, niece & I are getting our nails done on Friday. She talked me into doing acrylic, although I swore I'd never get them done again. I hate the havoc they wreak on your real nails...but it's for a very important day. I'm also getting my first pedicure ever. I've just always been kind of weird about people touching my feet...or touching me period really. Yesterday the shampoo boy started giving me a massage while I was waiting on my stylist & I felt myself complete tense up! I just have to learn how to relax...I'm not really used to being pampered. Oh & I got my dress yesterday! I've decided to create wedding programs (as if there wasn't enough to do already) so I'll be busying myself with that these next couple of days. My house is a PIGSTY right now & I don't even care. I get so one-track minded...I used to think I was a good multi-tasker, but I'm really not. I HATE housework. I hope that someday I'm rich so that I can hire someone to do it for me...it's just so...so MUNDANE.

Anyway, this is me right now.

Happy Happy Joy Joy

I am happy. I'm getting married in SIX days to the person who told me a few years ago that he just didn't feel "that way" about me. I heard all of the advice about "he's just not that into you" and still went with my instincts. I just KNEW that we belonged together. I just KNEW that HE was THE ONE. I pursued & wooed him. I did whatever it took to show him my greatness. I forgot about my pride. I still dated other people & made sure to tell him all about it so he could be sure that SOMEONE would swoop me up if he didn't. I needed him to know that I was not usually the pursuer, but the pursued. I wasn't desperate to have just anyone, just desperate to have HIM. He doesn't like to be reminded of the way he used to be...I like to do it every once in a while to show him how far we've come. We are so much in love now. The effort I put in was worth it to spend the rest of my life with Mike. I've never felt so loved in my life & I love him so much. We are starting a family. I am happy. I couldn't have created a more perfect person for me. He's going to be such a great dad & husband!

emotions and money

Wow, I'm 27 weeks & 5 days today! Isaac is moving soooooo much that he makes me think he's twins! When he starts moving it's like he doesn't wanna stop. I actually felt a little body part yesterday! It was so cool! If I try to push on my belly, though, to find him it hurts. My belly & especially my belly button is SO SORE! The weirdest thing is how stretched out my belly button is & how squishy the skin in it feels. I still have an inny thank GOD! Also, no stretch marks yet. I'm still not out of the water yet...someone said they can appear around 8 months or even AFTER giving birth! We'll see. I weighed in at 172 lbs on this weeks doctor's appointment. I wanted to cry. I now weigh more than Mike! We moved the birds out of the baby's room so that we can start prepping it for paint. We are doing a pretty pale yellow. The theme is Classic Winnie the Pooh, but people keep buying the Disney stuff, so it looks like it'll be a mix of the two. I like Classic better, but I'm sure little Isaac won't care. I've been watching all of the baby shows on tv & I cry with the new moms. I get so EMOTIONAL! I love listening to Isaac's little kicks on the baby monitor that we got. I haven't been able to find the heartbeat lately (he's being stubborn), but I did get to hear it beating swiftly at the doctor's office so that's reassuring. I want to do the 3D/4D ultrasound so bad. Money is TIGHT right now. Our wedding is next week & honeymoon the week after. I'm ready for them to get here already so I can put all of my focus (and money) into preparing for little Isaac's arrival.

Heart burn

Well, I'm 26 weeks & 5 days pregnant. My stomach is getting HUGE! I can feel it stretching as it grows. I haven't gotten any stretch marks YET...but I'm not counting them out. My sister never got them, but my mom did, so we'll just have to see. I think the worst part of being pregnant is the heartburn/reflux. I wake up from a dead sleep with acid coming up. I've had to start sleeping in an almost sitting position. I wake up every couple of hours throughout the night & sometimes I can't fall back asleep. I'll be up from 2:30 a.m. until 7 a.m. sometimes. It's a good thing I'm not working right now or I'd be one cranky lady! I feel bad because I wake Mike up all night with my tossing & turning & he DOES have to work & he works HARD. He's out all day in the Louisiana heat pretty much from sun up to sun down. He's about to start school too. He's going for planning & estimating. He wants to get out of the field & into the corporate office for his company. He only has two classes left & now he's talking about going to school for safety too. His company has been trying to get him to go that route for the past three years & he's been resisting it. He's very ambitious. I love that about him! I do everything I can to support him. I think he's going to be such a wonderful father! I never thought I'd be the "stay at home mom", but it's looking like that's where I'll be for a little while. I've always been soooooooooo ambitious myself. I'm the first in my family to ever attend college, let alone graduate. I've always been involved in so many things, volunteering, advocacy, working 2-3 jobs at a time. I've really worn myself out, so it's kind of nice to take a break & give all of my time to my little baby. I don't want his care to be in someone else's hands. I want to be there for every moment & teach him so much. Eventually I want to start my own business, but it'll probably be when Isaac is in school. I'll just have to wait & see!

stress and househunting

So much has been going on. I'm so glad that I quit my stressful job, I don't know how I could have handled that along with everything else! Being pregnant isn't really adding to the stress at all...it's almost the calm in my life right now! We are trying to buy a house AND plan a wedding right now. I am having nightmares about both. I also have trouble going to sleep at night, probably to avoid the nightmares! We made offers on two separate houses & both times they accepted someone else's. It's devastating to go through, especially because the first house we formed an emotional attachment to immediately. The worst thing, though, is that our lease is up for our rental house at the end of July & we have to find & close on a house before then! This along with the fact that a lot of balances have to be paid off for the wedding this month. We had planned to use credit for this, but now I've learned that you shouldn't use credit between the pre-approval & the closing, otherwise it could screw things up!!! I hope little baby Isaac can't feel his mama's stress!

Wedding Headaches

I am glad I never became an event planner...and I'm definitely never doing THIS again! It was so much easier getting divorced than getting married! Mike & I had to go to Mississippi today to take care of wedding stuff...namely getting our blood tests transferred to MS & then applying for the marriage license. The fact that they even HAVE a blood test is rediculous...do they seriously have a problem with SYPHYLLIS there??? We had to go to their health dept. to transfer the tests. They said they only do them between 1 & 3...so we got there around 1:30. We couldn't even park the place was so packed! We walked into this tight little room PACKED with chairs, moms & kids with a few dads sprinkled here & there. Apparently this was the day that all of the kids would be getting shots for their school registration...that would've been a great piece of information to have before choosing this day of all days for us to go! We told the receptionist what we were there for & asked how long it would take (it was a 5 minute process of writing what we had on our paperwork on one of their forms & taking our money & saying "see ya later"). She said it shouldn't be long because they could pull it since we didn't actually have to see anyone. We saw some bitchy woman pull (what looked like) our file & throw it to the back and mutter something about the people that have been there all day. Two hours later I asked what the hell was going on because we still had to go to the courthouse to apply for our license. She said that they couldn't pull it after all, sorry. I was FURIOUS. I called the court to ask could we please go & apply for our license w/out their stupid blood tests because we'd never make it in time & she said that was fine, that I could bring the blood test later. I told the receptionist lady that I'd have to drive back from Louisiana to pick it up because we HAD to go. Interestingly, they pulled our file, filled out our paper & sent us on our way! Go figure. We got to the courthouse & the woman helping us was in LaLa Land. I repeated everything AT LEAST 5 times to her & she still got stuff wrong! After she got all of our information she asked could we come back to sign because their printer has been broken since Thursday. I thought the woman was nuts. I said that we live in LOUISIANA and NO WE COULD NOT JUST COME BACK. Mike took today & today only off of work to take care of this bullshit. Why the hell couldn't they tell us on the phone that their damn printer was broken?! Once again, I was furious. Finally the woman asked if we could come on a Saturday since they'd be there working elections. I have to go up there anyway the Saturday before the wedding for my hair & makeup consultation...so hopefully they'll have their shit together & everything will go smoothly. I swear, if I was a violent person someone would have been knocked out yesterday!

MEXICO

We FINALLY got our passports in the mail over the weekend. YIPPEE!!! We bought our plane tickets yesterday. We have our brochures & I'm trying to remember some Spanish from all of those years of being forced against my will to learn it (it's not really working either). I am just ready for some snorkeling & relaxing on the beach with my honey-pie! I wonder how many other big fat pregnant brides there will be...probably not many. Hopefully our son won't be born in Mexico! I asked the doctor "What if" & she simply said "Well, I guess he'll have dual citizenship"...isn't she just a comedian.

Anxiety over flying pregnant

So far so good right now with everything. My biggest worry is my upcoming honeymoon. We will be flying to Mexico & plan on doing some snorkeling & adventuring. I'm the most worried about the flight & the possibility of going into labor or something while there!!! My doctor is giving me permission to go & writing a letter for the airline. I asked her about the possibility of having the baby there & her only response was "I guess he'll have dual citizenship then". I guess we'll see. The honeymoon was paid for over a year ago & given to us as a wedding gift...we've already changed it once & my honey-pie really needs a vacation. I'm just scared to go & scared I'll be no fun at all while there. I'm crossing my fingers that it all goes smoothly!

cats and the emergency room

Ugh! I spent last night in the emergency room. It wasn't for me, though, it was for my kitty, India. She's our only outdoor/indoor cat. When my fiance' came home from work last night he hurried in the house asking me what was wrong with her. I ran out of the house, tripping over my Siamese on the way, to see. She was sitting in our neighbor's yard & wouldn't move. When I tried to pet her, she'd growl at me. Normally she meets Mike at his truck & meows & loves on him. She NEVER growls at us either. I tried to examine her, but she wouldn't let me. I went & got her favorite, a can of cat food, & set it out for her to see if she'd come to it. She was able to run to it, but she looked kind of crooked & stumbled to stand up & limped on her back left leg.

We called the emergency Vet @ our old college (LSU). We left dinner on the stove & went straight there. We were there from 7:30 until MIDNIGHT. I was STARVING. It was HORRIBLE & we will definitely not go back there. They told us it would only take about 30 mins. to 2 hours & wouldn't let us leave to grab something to eat. COULDN'T THEY SEE I WAS PREGNANT & HUNGRY? They did X-rays, but then, to top everything off, the machine went down. The vet (who looked like she just graduated from high school) said that she only saw the radiograph for a minute, but she definitely could tell that her hip was fractured & that it couldn't be from a fall. My poor little kitty! I wonder if she was sitting out by the road & got clipped by a car. What if someone kicked her really hard? They couldn't give me any information about how it might have occurred because they didn't get to examine the X-ray for long enough. They will supposedly call me this morning after they get the machine back up. Because it's not a limb-bearing fracture, they said to just keep her in a small room. I asked for pain medicine for her...she almost didn't want to give it to me because then she might try to jump on stuff because she didn't feel the pain. The total? $200!!! What did they do? Not much of anything! Like I said, we will not be going back there. There are other emergency vets & I'll take my chances with a different one should the need arise (hopefully it won't)!

Now I have FIVE cats in my house. We had been trying to figure a way to let all of our cats be indoor/outdoor before the baby comes, but now I'm truly at a loss. We had been searching for a house that was safe enough for them to roam around outdoors, but that just didn't end up being in the cards for now. I don't even want to let India go back outside. The only reason she's the only one that gets to go out is because she DEMANDS it by using the bathroom (#1 & #2 at the front & back doors) & trying to beat up the other kitties. I'm not sure how we can co-exist with FIVE indoor cats, THREE birds AND a newborn baby in our small 2 bedroom house! Getting rid of any of them isn't an option. Buying a new house isn't an option. Putting them outside isn't an option. I'm not sure WHAT to do! The closer it gets for baby Isaac to arrive, the more claustrophobic I'm feeling with all of our animals in the house. I keep having dreams about chasing the birds (& other birds that aren't ours) around the house & trying to put them in their cages & the cats keep getting in their room & I'm fighting with the cats trying to keep them out & from getting the birds, fighting with my brother for leaving the door open letting the cats in & fighting with the birds who keep sneaking out of their cages so that they don't get eaten by the cats!

Little soccer player, nursery theme, pets

I had my 24 week appointment today with them measuring my stomach for the first time...it was 24cm exactly. When we listened to his heart rate it was 147 bpm until the nurse poked my belly. Little Isaac gave a swift kick to the device & the heart rate jumped to 150! So funny! He's sitting so low & kicks me hard. I had sore spots that felt like bruises & the Dr. told me that it's probably from him kicking me. I get fitted for my wedding dress alterations on the 16th for the wedding 8/11/07. I was a little worried that I'd grow too much between now & then, the Dr. told me to expect to grow about 1 cm./wk. That helps...hopefully. I've decided to do the nursery in Classic Winnie the Pooh. I loved it so much as a kid & I'm so excited to start decorating!!! We've decided to postpone the house hunt & renewed our lease for one year. Our problem right now is that we have a 2 bedroom house. The spare room houses our three birds. We have to keep them in a separate room from our cats or it could be disastrous (the cats like to lunge at the cages & try to get the birds & it, of course freaks the birds out). The birds lived in our bedroom for four months while my brother was staying with us and it drove me insane. Two of them are lovebirds & they are SO LOUD. I swear I have lost some of my hearing. They wake up at the crack of dawn. In no way shape or form can they share a room with Isaac & I do not AT ALL want them back in our room. The only other room with a door is the kitchen & everything I've read on birds said NOT to keep them in the kitchen because there are too many harmful things for them in there, like cooking in a nonstick pan on high heat. I love my birds AND my cats & I'm just not sure what in the world to do!!! I've got to make room for my little baby's arrival!

Not getting it

Well, the third time WASN'T a charm and on 07/07/07 at that. Each offer we put in wasn't accepted...each time we offered the asking price or more. It is NOT a buyer's market...I don't care what anyone says! We are tired of looking at houses & stressing out about being in one before our lease is up at the end of this month. I spoke to my landlord & she said I could withdraw my 30-day notice & just find someone to sublease if we find a house within the next year. I don't think we'll have a problem finding someone because EVERYONE wants in this neighborhood! We love it but would NEVER be able to BUY a house here...they are going for almost $400,000.00!!! It's CRAZY! So now we can stop stressing about the house & put all of our energy & money into the wedding/honeymoon/baby. I think we made the right decision. I feel bad for our agent...she put a lot of time & effort into our househunt. We're going to save up more money & try to get into the next price bracket so we'll have a lot more choices.

Remember your dreams

I had a dream last night that my Grandmother was talking to me & saying "Make sure the person you choose is someone who will love you for a whole lifetime, not just for a little while." It's so odd. When she was bedridden in the nursing home, I felt so bad for her because her husband had abandoned her. She was married, I BELIEVE, five times before. In the end, she died alone. I feel almost that she was sending me a message to make sure that I am with someone who will be there for me no matter what, all the way to the end. I feel like she's still looking out for me, even now that she's gone. Now she's free from her crippled earthly existence. Now she can look out for her family. It seems that the dead do visit those they loved in a dream once they pass. Dan came to me after he died & asked me to look out for his dad. These are my two experiences & enough to make me really believe they can communicate with you once they are gone. I think it's that much more important for people to try to remember their dreams.

Bad luck or what?

We put an offer in on a second house &, just like the first one, the seller accepted someone else's. I'm taking this as an omen or something. Mike said that we should just start looking in Denham Springs since Baton Rouge, Gonzales & Prairieville don't seem to be working out. I think land is cheaper there or something because there are sooooooooo many more houses in our price range...NEW houses at that. I'll be looking with our agent all day today so I hope we find something & they don't go accepting other offers on us!



I woke up this morning from a horrible wedding nightmare. Everything that could go wrong did. First of all, noone was there. Then the minister was really old & babbling & preaching & yelling Jesus stuff to the ceiling & Mike was arguing with him (this was during the ceremony) to stop. When he wouldn't Mike would walk away & I was just standing there in front of the preacher in tears. The photographer didn't show up, the florist didn't show up & none of the guests hardly showed up. My parents arrived at the end. My brother showed up without his tux & was standing in front of the church with his pants unzipped. I told him he couldn't be in the wedding & to go sit down. We forgot to rehearse so noone could figure out how to walk or where to stand.I forgot to give everyone the address of the place or something. Then, my hair wasn't even done. Oh & we had forgot to pick up our rings at the jewelry store so we didn't have those either. It was pretty bad. I hope this is a normal dream, because if it goes anything like that I'd rather just stay home!

Excitement & Nervousness

Whew! We went & looked at NINE more houses yesterday & both fell in love with the same one. This was after a HUGE fight when I was trying to convince him to choose the second one we saw. I loved the neighborhood & how new the house was despite its smallness & small yard. I'm glad he put up a fight, though, or we never would've seen this one!!! We looked at the rest of the places we had scheduled, but our hearts were already set. We went & put in an offer & will hear back from them by 5:00 today. I've been tossing & turning with knots in my stomach!!! I just hope the news is good.

Pregnancy pain and old injury

I am really having problems with Sciatica pain right now. I originally was injured in 2003 while training for the Marine Corps at Officer Candidate's School. I had fallen off of the obstacle course & landed on my butt. Two days later I could barely run...it was horrible. I was discharged & sent home & given disability and received 6 months of Physical Therapy. I had a lot of problems, though, with the military & getting the doctor's bills paid. I eventually ended up paying for a few things myself & not renewing my benefits because I was just too fed up. Unfortunately, the pain never truly went away. I felt it while trekking across campus, when I tried to go out dancing or any other physical activity I participated in. I eventually just started doing less and less physical activity with the result of gaining about 30lbs. Now, though, being pregnant, I only need to walk or even just sit & the pain cuts like a knife! A nice slow song came on the radio the other day & Mike & I spontaneously started dancing to it, but I had to stop because it hurt so bad. How am I supposed to get through our wedding and honeymoon with it like this? I had asked my Dr. if there was some kind of anti-inflammatory or something that I could take since that's what I had been given before, but she just said "No, just Tylenol". It just sucks!

To be or not to be?

It's so exciting...little Isaac moves all of the time...Mike can even feel him every once in a while! It's still hard to wrap my mind around the fact that there is a baby in there. We haven't even started getting baby stuff yet. It's like one part of my mind knows & the other part is too scared to get my hopes up...does this make sense to anyone? I think I've become a pessimist over the years...quite the opposite from the extreme optimism I used to have. I guess that, in my mind, if something can go wrong, it will. I'm just afraid of disappointment. I can't fully appreciate & look forward to this little miracle until he's in my arms. Nevertheless...I'm still preparing myself. I'm reading about him everyday, trying to soak up as much information as I can to prepare myself for motherhood.

i-am-pregnant.com

I signed up for this awesome site today & love it already! I am currently 21 weeks & 4 days pregnant with my little boy. I think my metabolism is out of control because no matter how much I eat I am still hungry! I quit a job I had just started as soon as I found out I was pregnant. I didn't realize what I had got myself into & absolutely detested the place (The Princeton Review). I've been unemployed since. I've applied to a few jobs, nothing exciting & interviewed for a temporary job. I have my B.A. in Political Science, but after working for a law firm for a year after graduation decided law wasn't for me (I had intended to go to law school). Now with all of this time on my hands I'm figuring out what I really want to do. I thought perhaps I'd be a stay at home mom. My sweetheart supports my decision either way. I've decided, though, to return to school. I'm going to pursue my PhD in Psychology (one of my many former majors). I've signed up for an online course to brush up on the Introductory Psychology course (which I took about 10 years ago) & will take one class in the Spring & one in the Fall then will apply to grad school for the following Fall. This is the plan now, I'm sure life will change dramatically when little Isaac is born. He will be my first and foremost priority of course. I'm just thinking about the future. I'm a career woman at heart & am going nuts being at home!!!

Back to school

I'm seriously considering going back. Mike is behind me 100%. I applied for Re-entry to LSU today. I have a few Undergraduate courses to wrap up & I can have my degree in Psychology. Then I'll need GRE prep...then applying to Grad. school!!! I'm really gonna pursue my PhD!!! My dream!

New babies woke me up!

Usually after Mike leaves for work in the wee hours of the morning, I fall back asleep. This morning I couldn't. I kept hearing this squeaky squeely kind of sound. Then it sounded like more than one animal making the sound. I've heard it before, but louder & deeper, followed by growling. I looked out of my bedroom window...but it was covered in condensation. I decided to take a peak out of the living room window at the stairs where Mike puts food out for India & Smokey (a ferral cat that's adopted us over the last 2 years) & sure enough, I see new little baby raccoons! There was the mom, which I'm sure was one of last year's six babies that we fed, and there were two CHUBBY little ones. They were just too precious! They both kept sitting inside the water bowl with their little faces stuck in the water, then they'd go grab some dry cat food & eat while the mom took her dry food and held it in the water to soften it up before she ate. Then one of them jumped onto a little plant that sits on the stairs & tumbled to the ground, plant & all. They are so fascinating to watch. Usually I can sit outside on the steps next to the raccoons while they eat. They trust me. Now, though, I'm sure they'd all run & hide. Mom's are super-protective like that. I worry about what will happen to them when we move. What if someone who doesn't love animals like Mike & I do move in. What if they are cruel to them? They probably won't feed them. We have an animal trap & I had thought about taking them with us when we go, but that's probably a bad idea. I think they actually live in the woods & just visit us via the large water drains in our yard. I'll miss them though.

Noone to marry

The wedding is getting so close & I still haven't found anyone to marry us!!! Everything else is pretty much in place. We were having a friend of Mike's parent's do it. They own a bed & breakfast near where we are getting married & also do weddings. As it turns out they are selling their business & moving to TN. I don't want some stuffy old person to do it either. I definitely don't want some religious zealot who will look down their nose at my pregnant belly. How in the hell can I find someone in another state??? This is really really bugging me now.

The Fat Cat

In our house, we have 4 cats & 3 birds. One of these cats, Zeke, weighs 19 lbs. Lately he has not been cleaning his backside. It's pretty disgusting. We took him to the vet for shots & a checkup. The vet said he's just too fat to reach. I also think he's bulimic (that looks wrong). He will eat and eat and eat and eat then puke then eat then puke then eat some more. Now he's getting worse as far as the noncleaning of the backside. He smells bad. He is impossible to give a bath to...even with two of us...unless you want to end up bloody and soaked. I'm taking him to PetSmart to be groomed today. They can end up bloody & wet. That's what they get paid for.

Pregnancy Dreaming (an old flame)

I dreamt last night that Mike & I were at a grocery store. I was looking down & ran into someone. When I looked up I realised we must be in Ohio because it was my ex-fiance', Scott, and his mother that I bumped into.

I've read that it is very common to dream about an ex while pregnant.

I started off ignoring them (there was some hostility after the 3 1/2 year relationship ended), but somehow I ended up back at his parents house with him & Mike somewhere in tow. I was getting a glimpse at his life & where he was now & seeing how everything he did was a substandard version of Mike. For some reason we hugged & kissed a lot, though. I slept in a bed with him & Mike slept in the same room, but somewhere else. For some reason he didn't question any of this. The next morning, we went downstairs & I saw his new girlfriend (in reality he started dating her the instant we broke up & they had a child together). Her face looked really chubby, almost swollen & distorted compared to the rest of her. She was yelling & being really mean to me (she really did do this a day or two after my boyfriend died saying she was glad he was dead & wished I was too). I just smiled at her & said I didn't know what she was talking about. I was then watching Scott check his e-mail & saw he had a lot of spam, but was deleting it very slowly & one by one. I tried to tell him how to do it quicker, but he wanted me to show him how (he was pretty helpless in the relationship & depended on me way to much). I told him to do it himself. Then I remembered that I had heard he had a baby & asked to see it. His girlfriend took me to a nursery & showed me a little boy with a giant head with HUGE blue eyes that matched his dads. I picked him up & carried him around showing him to Mike & a lot of other people that randomly started popping up in the dream. Then the girlfriend & I started being nice to one another & the ill will dissipated. I told Scott, his girlfriend & his parents that Mike & I were having a child. His mom asked if I had forgot to take my birth control. I said "no, I'm 28 & it's time I had a child". They congratulated us. Then I saw a woman outside with a bulldozer on the hill above the house (their house is really built into the side of a hill). I realized that the street was covered with moving hillside. Everyone looked at one another & we realized that the entire hill was starting to slide. I knew the house was about to go at the instant we all started running. I started looking everywhere for people to grab. I got out of the house & realised my brother & sister were inside. I saw them in an upstairs window, then my sister came running out of the door. Scott came & asked me if we could be alone again. He wanted me to take a walk with him & he wanted to cuddle & kiss some more. I told him no. Then I woke up.

baby Shower

Wow, when you're pregnant...you have some pretty wild dreams. I dreamed last night that I was sleeping in my bed & woke up with my baby laying on my stomach, still attached with the umbilical chord...everything was the same except now the baby was growing on the outside & not the inside. Later on, I'm going about my business & forgot all about having a baby when I suddenly remember about it. I run to the bedroom & pull back the blanket & there it is, tiny & sleeping. I feel it's diaper & it needs to be changed. I rummage through a laundry basket for a diaper & bottle. Then the baby pops up out of the bed very alert...it's a little older now. I put it in one of those walkie things and it starts charging around the house.

We go to the doctor today & get to do the ultrasound & get to find out if it's a boy or a girl! I can't wait!

Interpretation from http://www.i-am-pregnant.com/encyclopedia/D/Dreams/ :

"Many pregnant women dream about losing things or forgetting important things. You might dream about forgetting to feed your baby or leaving him in a store. Some pregnant mothers have dreams that they will not have everything they need when the baby is born. If you have dreams about losing things or forgetting appointments, items or other things, perhaps you feel that you may not be fully prepared to take on the task of motherhood."

It's a boy

new toy

Mike & I were sitting on the swing Sunday morning figuring out how to spend our day. I was wishing we could be on the beach somewhere sipping a fruity drink. He said, "why don't we go get a pool". We were at Academy Sports before the doors even opened. We got one of those 15' ones that don't have a frame. We spend the entire morning filling it with air and water. In retrospect, I reccommend anyone buying a pool to spend the extra money for the one with a metal frame! The sides of ours started collapsing...it was both extremely annoying and funny at the same time. In the end we had an awesome pool to enjoy the rest of the day with! We reverted back to children as we played in the water the entire rest of the day. We're definitely waterbabies at heart! I wish we would have thought of it when we moved here 2 years ago! The subtropical Louisiana heat is brutal...a swimming pool is an absolute MUST!

Now

After all of the pain and all of the heartache...the insecurities and tears on my pillow, I've finally found happiness. No more uncertainty, no more trying to be what people want me to be. I'm finally free to be me & be loved unconditionally. I always knew he was the one. It was this feeling deep within that I didn't even understand exactly. It wasn't a fairytale beginning, but it's all worth it in the end. I longed for him and waited for him until he finally listened to his heart. I don't know if two people could belong to one another more. He's everything that I could ask for in another human being and more. I'm finally the person that I need to be to love successfully. Now it's time to start a new phase and face the fact that I'm an adult. At 28 life is just beginning again and I couldn't hope for anything more.

Wedding update

Well the destination wedding is off. It was really complicated to plan, first of all, and not too much fun. Secondly, too many important people weren't going to be able to make it. Mike's mom asked if we could just have a small wedding here. We've decided to go ahead & do it & will be having it where his mom & stepdad live at Hideaway-Lake in Mississippi. It's a really cool place. They have a 200 acre man-made lake. We'll have it at the Lodge. It's really inexpensive compared to most places. It'll only be 50 people or so...mostly family and a few close friends. It' so much more fun to plan it now! I've had to reorder my wedding dress since I've gotten so much bigger being pregnant! Thank GOD for The Bridal Party in Denham Springs for not making me pay for two dresses! They are lifesavers! I originally had my wedding website with www.weddingsolutions.com but have decided to switch to www.theknot.com because they are so much better technically, visually and in every other way possible!

Good weekend

I had fun this weekend. Mike wanted to get out so we went to the levy in BR for a while then decided to go to New Orleans to FINALLY spend his gift cards from the last few Christmases. I rode my first trolley in NO & we saw Kelly Ripa and her kids of Live with Regis & Kelly. We were trying to find a place to eat in the French Quarter & they told us we'd have to go back the way we came because they were filming or we could run really fast down the road. We cut through an art gallery & went down the road & I of course lost my shoe (maybe you'll see it on the show!) I also finally got to see the inside of St. Joseph's cathedral too. Oh, and oddly enough, on the drive home, Mike spotted a black Jaguar & said "hey that's my sister". I told him it wasn't, that it was two old ladies...turns out it WAS his sister & her husband. It was weird because we were both leaving NO at the same time & ended up at the same exact spot on the interstate at the same time!

It was nice to spend time with Mike. When we came home I had the weird urge to get creative in the kitchen...guess NO has that affect!

She passed away last night

My Grandmother passed away at 10:24 p.m. last night. She's had Alzheimer's for the last 4 or so years. The family had gathered together to go see her yesterday, but I didn't go. I have mourned for her the last few years & wondered why she kept hanging on. I've visited her regularly, even when noone else would. I feel that she is finally free...she's been locked inside her mind and her ailing body for too long. Every once in a while I'd see her reaching out for something in front of her. I'd ask what she was reaching for, but she'd just keep reaching. I asked her what she saw & she said "a mountain". I think she's been journeying in her mind to reach the top of this mountain & she finally reached it last night. I am at peace because I think she is now at peace. I miss her so much. She used to call me and stick the phone to the radio & make me listen to Michael Bolton. She always said that I reminded her so much of herself. To me, it was such a compliment because she was so beautiful & lady-like. I loved her long blonde hair that she swept on top of her head & her glittering blue eyes. Even while her body shriveled away, her eyes would still twinkle & she still giggled. She thought everything was hilarious, even while she lay there bedridden & condemned. Now I'm 3 months pregnant & I feel sad that she'll never get to see her first grandchild from me, but I understand that it was just her time.

Second Doctor's Visit

I had my 2nd doctor's visit yesterday. I'm 11 weeks & 2 days!!! I heard the baby's heartbeat (sooo fast) & even some little kicks! I've been sick pretty much every day...hopefully that will pass soon! I even dreamt last night of a little baby. I had forgotten about it & I walked into a room & saw it laying on the bed. I was thinking, "Oh No! I bet it's hungry..." so I breast-fed it. Then I thought, "Oh NO! I bet it needs a new diaper..." then changed it. The baby just nodded & smiled sososo gratefully. YIKES!

Excitement & Nervousness

Nothing makes me happier than planning a camping trip!!! Mike's off tomorrow so we are going to Kisatchie again! This time we have a canoe so it should be awesome...sleeping on the hard ground, fishing, hiking, campfires...nothing tops that!

"The Poets are Silent" by Michael Denton

The Poets Are Silent

There's another poem.
Flowery and beautiful
Of great things it speaks
Of Love & Mercy & God

Rosy pictures of the world
They give. There's no pain,
Not really they say.
If you try hard enough.

Maybe they're just better than me
In love and in contemplating
The glorious divine. But to me
It seems to be only sap & crap

Why do these poets not sing
Of the realities of life?
Do they not see God in those too?
Why this disconnect?

I read of the Eucharist
But not of life as a race
Grime & grit & metal
Thundering towards victory or wrecks

I read of the struggle of faith
But not of war. Blades and
Bullets amidst Blood and bodies.
And a rosary battered and bruised.

I read of love but not of the widower
Sitting in a chair weeping
Because his life has been torn
& his faith shown a stack of cards

I read of childlike joy
But not of the child on Easter morn
Who comes to the sudden realization
That his father is truly dead.

I read of Mary's joy
At the angel's words
But why not Joseph's terror
At exile and uncertainty?

Are these not equally worthy
Of verse and song?
Are the poets insufficient
Or simply indifferent?

Your sickly sweet words
Are fine for the satisfied choir
But for the thirsting man
They are only dust

Leave your coffee steaming
Leave your laptops humming
Leave your protective safety or
Leave us alone

Humble yourselves among suffering
Perhaps suffer yourselves sometimes.
Did not Christ come among the people
And share in their blood and pain?

Oh Muse, speak to us
Of overwhelming grief
Of noble defeat and death
And the divinity within.

Achilles Dream

Last night I dreamt I was living in a high-rise apartment building with a space-age futuristic feel to it. I had to climb extremely high stairs to reach my floor & often times had to risk my life to climb up weird unsafe ladders just to get home. I had a couple of male roommates & was trying to get into an extremely prestigous school. One day a spot appeared on my wall. It looked like water damage. Over time, it began to take the shape of a face. As more time passed, the face began to protrude. The first time I saw it fully protruded I was so alarmed that I took a hammer & tried to pound it back into place. Eventually, it popped back out & began to take a human appearance & began to talk to me. It would ask for things to drink. I gave him milk & found that the milk was spoiled*. Then saw spoiled jugs of milk hidden throughout my apartment & even outside. I came to find out that that the face was Achilles. I apologized over & over for pounding his face with a hammer. I told him that he was a legend (he was known for being a Trojan war hero who was invulnerable except for his heel). I informed him that the Achille's Heel* was named after him (An Achilles' heel is a fatal weakness in spite of overall strength, actually or potentially leading to downfall.) He found this very interesting. After many conversations & a lot more energy gained through the food & drink I provided him, he formed a body & stepped out of the wall. He very much resembled the late Saddam Hussein. The dream cut off abruptly after he stepped out of the wall.

Note: We usually drink Kleinpeter milk, but mike bought Foremost milk on Saturday & it had a weird taste to it...maybe that crept into my dream somehow.

What could it mean?

*Achilles Heel

The name Achilles' heel comes from Greek mythology. His mother, the goddess Thetis, received a prophecy of her son's death. In order to protect him, she dipped him into the River Styx, which protected his entire body from harm. However, in order to dip him into the river, she needed to grab onto his heel. During the Trojan War Achilles was struck on his unprotected heel by a poisoned arrow, which killed him.

*Spoiled Milk Process

When raw milk is left standing for a while, it turns "sour". This is the result of fermentation: lactic acid bacteria turning the sugar inside the milk into lactic acid. This fermentation process is exploited in the production of various dairy products such as cheese and yogurt. There are four noted periods of milk decay:

Rancid (also called "on the turn". Milk is still consumable at this stage)
Curdling (separation of curd and whey will occur but may still be consumable)
Coagulation (beyond use. A period of aromatic decay sets in accompanied by mould)
Dry (beyond use. The milk has dehydrated and become hard and chalky)
Pasteurized cow's milk, on the other hand, spoils in a way that makes it unsuitable for consumption. This causes it to assume an unpleasant odor and pose a high danger of food poisoning if ingested. In raw milk, the naturally-occurring lactic acid bacteria, under suitable conditions, quickly produce large amounts of lactic acid. The ensuing acidity in turn prevents other germs from growing, or slows their growth significantly. Through pasteurization, however, these lactic acid bacteria are mostly destroyed, which means that other germs can grow unfettered and thus cause decomposition.

dreamland again

I dreamt of my teeth falling out again. I haven't dreamed this dream in a couple of years. I kept pulling my teeth out...that's the way it always happens...all of the teeth are loosening while I talk & I reach in & they fall into my hands. This time was different, though. This time my gums came out too. I was in Ohio again. For some reason me & my whole family had moved there. I was trying to find a dentist. I was holding the gums & teeth in my hands trying to keep the pieces whole, but the journey caused them to decay & fall apart. I was just trying to not lose all of the pieces so that maybe the dentist could put everything back the way it was....They say teeth falling out can symbolize a transition, a loss of control, anxiety over appearance. I think that's all so right now. I really just don't want to be an adult. I wish I could go back to being wild & carefree. Will that every go away?

For some reason I can remember everysingledream from last night. I dreamt of a small town where I used to go to school, population >50. There was some girl I had never met. Her name was Anelisa something something something exotic, but Anita for short. She was dirty blonde with freckles & very very very extremely shy. She spoke so quietly that you couldn't understand much of anything that she said. Her dad had been in the military. She was born in Peru or some place like that, but her "country" was really a mountain-top slowly sinking into the ocean. All of the inhabitants had abandoned it long ago, before the last dry land was swallowed by the sea. Her mother died a long time ago & her father had recently passed away. She was a lonely orphan with one friend. She lived next door in a shack, a filthy shack. She wanted to be a film-maker. She was going to be the star of her first film. The subject? Hula-hooping. I found some documents in her house that she couldn't read & tried to show her that she had benefits left to her. She didn't care. She just wanted to make her films....Maybe she is me in a sense. I'm really not sure what hula-hooping has to do with anything. I think I'm gonna go buy one, though. Oh & a trampoline & jumprope too! Just for the hell of it.

First Doctor Visit

I went to the doctor today. I'm 7 weeks & 1 day pregnant. So I have lots of morning sickness left to go...it sucks! At least I know it's REAL now!

Recurring dream...wild cats

I was climbing a tree with limbs that kept breaking
I climbed so high I was afraid to fall
Panthers & Leopards roared & leaped up at me
I kept climbing, realizing how awkward my fumbling human body was
The cats, the beautiful beasts, bent & slumbered easily
I feared them, but stayed because I knew them
I knew how to handle them.
They purred & wrestled with me
while I clung to the limbs that kept breaking.

I QUIT!!! I have dreams to pursue & it's now or never!

This just isn't the place for me. I'm like a soda bottle in a hot Louisiana car...expanding until I explode. I've got to spread my wings & not let fear or expectations of other people hold me back. I'd rather not explode & I'm sure the people around me would be better off if I didn't either. I left a jail cell for another jail cell...only difference is location & what we busy ourselves with. It's not the world I want to be a part of. It's like trying to fit the square toy into the round slot. It doesn't fit & it'll never fit. You could shave off the corners, but then it'd no longer be a sqaure, now would it? I like my edge. I want to keep it & I don't want to change to fit into the mold. I am setting myself free. Everything will fall into place. It always has & it always will. I put my life into God's hands & I trust the road he leads me down.

I DO have a vehicle for a plan, though. I've already signed up to sell Arbonne International. I plan to use my education & energy to sell to spas & salons. I will also sign up to substitute teach. This stage fright thing really has a lot to do with the environment. I've done so much in the past & been fine. I just need the right outlet. I want to teach elementary. Substitute teaching will give me a chance to try out different grades & to see if it's for me. If it IS then I can do an alternative certification program. I always used to want to be a teacher...I used to teach my legions of dolls (all named MARY of course...I have no idea why I was obsessed with that name). I would be an awesome teacher...it would probably teach me a thing or two about patience among other things.

Throughout my years of college I always had a few different jobs/projects going at once. I guess what I want most of all is flexibility. I don't like sitting day after day between four walls, stuck to a chair & surrounded by people with clashing personalities. I've always wanted to do freelance writing & photography. I'd be able to do that now. I can finally take leisure classes at LSU (I've been a union member for a while & have never had the chance to use it). AND I can study the Real Estate market & may even take the Real Estate exam. I still have my plan for staging houses & a contact in the market who is interested in helping me out...not to mention that Mike & I want to get our feet in the door & start flipping houses for profit! Oh & custom-building furniture. (Did I mention he built me a picnic table on Sunday?) I like choices. I like variety. I am a multi-fauceted person who needs many outlets & has many talents. I am not going to tuck myself miserably away in someone's damp, dingy jail cell anymore. I checked myself in, but it's time to check myself back out. Adios Amigos!!!