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Monday, December 18, 2006

blankness

I have nothing to say. No thoughts, no feelings. Just air in and air out. I'm becoming a tv drone. Nothing is interesting. Food doesn't even taste good.

Does anyone else go through this phase? When will it end? Better yet, how?

Monday, December 11, 2006

Pissed off car update

I'm actually too pissed to type about it right now, I just realized...

It's not drivable so it has to be towed...AGAIN.

Saturday, December 09, 2006

70 "Weird Questions"

[1] What is your middle name?
Elizabeth

[2] What color is your mailbox?
Black

[3] Are you available?
Nope

[4] Have you ever hit a deer?
I've been in the vehicle that hit the deer.

[5] Do you have to drive over a bridge to get home?
Yes, over the LSU lakes

[7] Who checks the mail in your house.
me usually

[8] Do you have a small driveway?
not really

[9] Do you know anyone with the same ringtone as you?
no, mine goes BLAH BLAH BLAH, really loud!

[10] What do you do first in the morning
after i hit snooze a few times I turn on the news, make my coffee, uncover the birds and give all of the animals fresh food and water

[11] What brand is your printer?
I don't remember, it's in a box somewhere...piece of crap!

[12] Do you enjoy fighting with people?
no, i like everyone to automatically understand where i'm coming from

[13] Is your hair naturally straight or curly?
curly


[16] Are you taller than your mother?
YES, me, my mom & my aunt were actually trying to figure out who's shortest at Thanksgiving!

[17] Do you have a favorite word?
right now i'm loving "FANTABULOUS"

[18] Are you good in school?
I did okay...I graduated...I was just so sick of it after going for so long...

[20] Do you enjoy writing in colored pens?
YES, i love COLOR

[21] Does anything hurt on your body right now?
I HAVE DAILY HEADACHES, usually they start from the moment I wake up...it sucks

[22] Do you often cry during a movie?
I'm pretty emotional so, YES!

[25] Do you hate your life?
sometimes, sometimes not

[26] Do you get mad easily?
Yes, I have a low tolerance for ignorance

[27] Do you know anyone named Nikki?
I did in 6th grade...

[28] What is your biggest pet peeve?
Selfishness

[30] Do any of your friends have kids?
My baby sister does...most of my friends don't though. I don't think any of us are completely ready to grow up just yet!

[33] How many years older than you are you willing to date?
I've been in a serious relationsip with someone who was 8 years older. I was 19 when he was 27.

[34] Do you have any friends?
Not like I used to.

[35] Do you have any mean friends?
Hence the reason I keep my circle small...who needs enemies when you have mean friends?

[37] Have you ever liked someone who all your friends couldn't stand?
Oh, definitely!

[38] Have you ever felt like driving off a cliff, seriously?
Yes, I actually had considered that once upon a time...another time I almost did it by accident in Virginia in a U-Haul truck...SCARY!

[40] Do you itch your ears?
I don't "itch" them...I scratch them if they decide they feel like itching...sillies

[42] What brand are the jeans you're wearing right now?
I'm wearing pj shorts actually...I think they are brandless...if that's possible

[43] how long is your hair?
Pretty long...almost covers my tits!

[45] What is on your feet?
gym socks...i'm thinking about heading to the gym...maybe

[48] Do you want to have kids?
part of me does and part of me doesn't...it's scary to consider

[49] What is the brightest color you're wearing?
Red...i'm wearing my old Rotolo's work shirt...it's so COZY!

[50] Who is the friend you have that you would never have expected to be friends with?
Currently noone fits that description, but in the past I developed a type of friendship with girls who were dating the same guy as me...at the same time...there's nothing like calling a guy out together!

[55] Do you like your dad?
Umm...if I knew him I could answer this...Since he never gave a shit about the child he brought into this world and let suffer at the hands of so many I think I hate him actually.

[56] Do you have any TV shows on DVD?
That 70s show...I just can't get sick of it.

[57] Are you wearing makeup?
Umm...I actually still have yesterdays on...I know, it's not good for your skin, blah, blah, blah

[58] Do you have a tattoo?
A couple...I'm going to get more...this time I'M going to plan them out carefully and help design them!

[61.] Do you know how to draw?
I like making art, especially phototgraphy and painting...I can draw with a lot of effort...but I'm just too impatient!

[64] Who did you last IM?
I don't use IM anymore

[65.] Do you work a lot of hours?
I work 8-5 Monday through Friday...I used to think that's the kind of job I always wanted, but not anymore

[66] What do you do when you are stressed out?
Bitch about it

[67] Who was the last person that called you?
Mike

[68] Is there anything you regret?
There are things I look at in retrospect and see what I could have done differently...the only thing I can do, though, is learn from it and not make the same mistakes twice

[69] Do you know where your family name originated from?
Germany, I believe

[70] Is there an animal that creeps you out?
SHARKS...I have this horrible fear of them when I'm in the ocean. I once freaked out while snorkeling (Remember this Steph & Gus?) when I saw a dark object the size of a shark just beneath the water. I screamed and tried to run in the water (dumbass) until a guy yelled to me an showed me it was just a pair of jeans! I cried anyway.

Friday, December 08, 2006

Car has been found

I got a call today from the Baton Rouge Police Dept. saying the car has been recovered. It's in Assumption Parish in a town called Labadieville. Apparently it's 45 mins. away. They said the radio was missing and someone had used the spare tire. I guess they got a flat. For any of you who have read my blog for a long time, you'll remember that the same car had been broken into on Mardi Gras day in 2003 or was it 2004? Whichever. Anyway, someone had smashed the window in and attempted to steal the radio. The stupid idiots couldn't get it out. I wished they would have because it's been broken since I got the car. Now it's finally gone. Good Riddance non-working radio! You're more trouble than you're worth! If you live in Tigerland, get the hell out of there. It's just getting worse and worse. Both incidents happened there!

Now I've got to pay to get my car back. What kind of bullshit is that? They said I can't get it unless I pay the wrecking company. And to think, I had just changed my insurance down to liability so not a damn thing is covered. I'm selling that damn car. Any takers? Make me an offer. You know its history!

Thursday, December 07, 2006

This woman

I'm feeling forced into wisdom. I'm not sure how to accept it. I sometimes long for the days of ignorant adolescent bliss. I still dream about it.

Somewhere, deeper, though, I remember the emptiness of those days. Those days filled with going going going trying to stay away from myself. Staying up all night, constantly surrounded by "friends" keeping myself distracted and overextended.

I was always avoiding the reality of everything. Maybe it was a self-protective measure. Now, as life slows, I get to know this person inside. I respect her now. She is capable, strong, compassionate and yes, wise.

Tuesday, December 05, 2006

My car was stolen UPDATE

My car was stolen UPDATE
LOUISIANA LICENSE PLATE NUMBER LCE 542

1997 GREEN SATURN SC1 2-DOOR COUPE

HAS BEEN SEEN IN SOUTH BATON ROUGE W. MCKINLEY AREA!!!

DRIVEN BY YOUNG GUY, DIRTY BLONDE HAIR, WHITE, SKINNY, CRACKHEAD!

Sunday, December 03, 2006

My car was stolen!

I allowed my brother the use of my car while he tried to save the money up to buy it from me. Now one of his loser people he picked up off of the streets, some crack head named Josh Jenkins stole it along with some of his other stuff (phone, cd plater, dvds/cds, playstation) are gone.

I filed a police report, but please, if anyone knows anything please help.

He is white, short dirty blonde hair, skinny, maybe 5'9" or 5'10" or so, 23 years old from baton rouge/plaquemine area.

The car: 1997 Green 2-door Saturn SC1. I will repost with the license plate number to morrow! It's LW or WEL or WL something. It is keyed down both sides & one of the key marks on the driver's sides looks almost like a swastika.

If you have any information, please e-mail me on here. I will be checking back regularly.

Peace & Love

Christine

Friday, December 01, 2006

Ouch and YES!

Aye...the pain. Where the hell did I get this excruciating earache from? The entire right side of my head, my ear...my cheek and scalp are so sore. I wish I could just go see a doctor. It always takes sooooo long waiting and waiting and for what? Just for them to give you some stupid medicine. I'd rather suffer and let the thing run its course than sit and wait.

I had an interview at an awesome place. I'll say where once I know for sure the outcome. I have a second interview next week. The Executive Director was the first person I saw when I walked in and started interviewing me in the lobby before I even met the actual interviewer. It was the most fun I've ever had at an interview. I just loved their questions.

AND if THAT doesn't work out it's okay because I have the exact business that I want to start...it's right in front of my face now. I saw this woman on TV, featured on the morning news, looked up her number and called her and asked her what I needed to do to get her job. She was so happy to talk to me and tell me what I needed to do. It's just expensive for me to do right this minute. I was in the best mood for the rest of the day after talking to her. I'M SO EXCITED! It felt like I actually had something to look forward to career-wise!

I'm ready for change. I'm ready to do what I've always wanted to do with my life. I'm ready to step outside of the box...

Wednesday, November 29, 2006

Real Love





My grandpa came in for Thanksgiving. It's almost a five-hour drive from Texas. He and my grandmother have been divorced most of my mother's 46-year-old life. He said they were married when she was 17 and he was 19. He saw her for the first time since her illness. She was lying in bed staring blankly at him, no recognition in her eyes. He won't have much longer to live...the cancer has reached his bones. He couldn't even stay for Thanksgiving dinner...the pain was too unbearable and he left in tears. Before he left my grandmother's side, he said these words, "Dotty, I love you. I've always loved you. I'll see you soon on the other side." I barely know either of them. I lived most of my life without them being a part of it, but I am alive because they exist. I love them both and it will be so strange when they are gone. My grandpa said it is so much sooner than any of us think.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

When You Are Old
When you are old and gray and full of sleep,
And nodding by the fire, take down this book,
And slowly read, and dream of the soft look
Your eyes had once, and of their shadows deep;
How many loved your moments of glad grace,
And loved your beauty with love false or true;
But one man loved the pilgrim soul in you,
And loved the sorrows of your changing face.
And bending down beside the glowing bars
Murmur, a little sadly, how love fled
And paced upon the mountains overhead
And hid his face amid a crowd of stars.
William Butler Yeats (1865-1939)

Wednesday, November 22, 2006

Rant

I feel like an orphan without a family. I think I will move to Colorado. I'm sick of this place and these people. I hate being lied to. I hate how someone says one thing and then does something different. I'm sick of being unappreciated and disrespected. All in all people can only help themselves. Life is what you make it. I can't be the anchor for this broken-down family. I can't do everything. Once again...I have to say my prayer:

The Serenity Prayer
by Reinhold Niebuhr (1892-1971)Complete, Unabridged, Original Version.
God, give us grace to accept with serenity
the things that cannot be changed,
Courage to change the things
which should be changed,
and the Wisdom to distinguish
the one from the other.

Living one day at a time,
Enjoying one moment at a time,
Accepting hardship as a pathway to peace,
Taking, as Jesus did,
This sinful world as it is,
Not as I would have it,
Trusting that You will make all things right,
If I surrender to Your will,
So that I may be reasonably happy in this life,
And supremely happy with You forever in the next.

Amen.

This is me right now...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

When you are fearful, everything turns into something to
fear. When you are hopeful, everything becomes a reason to
hope.

When you are angry, anything that comes along can feed that
anger. When you are peaceful, the world around you begins to
mirror your peace.

What comes from the depths of your being, grows more intense
and more concrete as it works its way outward. What you hold
in your heart, you will see in your world.

Though you may try to hide things inside, they surely come
out in ways you cannot even imagine. If you wish to change
what you appear to be, then change what you truly are.

Hold in your heart a pure and authentic vision of all that
you value most dearly. Choose carefully what has priority in
your innermost being, for that is what shapes the world you
experience.

Build a solid, positive and fulfilling life within. And all
that you know, will faithfully resonate with the person you
choose to be.


~ Ralph Marston

Wednesday, November 15, 2006

The Lost

This constricted chest,

These bloodshot eyes;

I struggle to understand these forlorn, lost souls.

What is wrong with them?

Don't they love themselves?

Thursday, November 09, 2006

WELCOME TO HOLLAND

by
Emily Perl Kingsley.

c1987 by Emily Perl Kingsley. All rights reserved

I am often asked to describe the experience of raising a child with a disability - to try to help people who have not shared that unique experience to understand it, to imagine how it would feel. It's like this......

When you're going to have a baby, it's like planning a fabulous vacation trip - to Italy. You buy a bunch of guide books and make your wonderful plans. The Coliseum. The Michelangelo David. The gondolas in Venice. You may learn some handy phrases in Italian. It's all very exciting.

After months of eager anticipation, the day finally arrives. You pack your bags and off you go. Several hours later, the plane lands. The stewardess comes in and says, "Welcome to Holland."

"Holland?!?" you say. "What do you mean Holland?? I signed up for Italy! I'm supposed to be in Italy. All my life I've dreamed of going to Italy."

But there's been a change in the flight plan. They've landed in Holland and there you must stay.

The important thing is that they haven't taken you to a horrible, disgusting, filthy place, full of pestilence, famine and disease. It's just a different place.

So you must go out and buy new guide books. And you must learn a whole new language. And you will meet a whole new group of people you would never have met.

It's just a different place. It's slower-paced than Italy, less flashy than Italy. But after you've been there for a while and you catch your breath, you look around.... and you begin to notice that Holland has windmills....and Holland has tulips. Holland even has Rembrandts.

But everyone you know is busy coming and going from Italy... and they're all bragging about what a wonderful time they had there. And for the rest of your life, you will say "Yes, that's where I was supposed to go. That's what I had planned."

And the pain of that will never, ever, ever, ever go away... because the loss of that dream is a very very significant loss.

But... if you spend your life mourning the fact that you didn't get to Italy, you may never be free to enjoy the very special, the very lovely things ... about Holland.

Wednesday, November 01, 2006

The weekend summary

Friday: Rear-ended sportscar...he let me go.

Saturday: Dressed up and went to Bourbon w/ Sharon, Travis & and my honey. Hung out on balcony of Tropical Isle watching the costumes and drama below...got overly intoxicated. Couldn't ride the bull at the Bourbon Cowboy because of my flowing costume dress...

Sunday: Spent recovering from a hangover from too many Hand Grenades!

Monday, October 23, 2006

Another new member of the family- Shiloh

We went to Petland on Saturday to find some bird companions for our parrot...instead we fell in love with a Siamese kitty that had been brought in earlier in the day. They said he was a year old, but he's way too little...he's probably more like 6 months. We thought he'd be a good boyfriend for our Himalayan...they can make babies together....chicachicababawn...they'll be adorable...that's if we can put up with him spraying...I saw that they put male cats in diapers...awesome.

We cancelled our plans to visit the Rip Van Winkle Gardens in New Iberia as a possible wedding location. It's a two-hour drive...we decided to find something in Baton Rouge. There's too many great places around here and we don't want to make people drive further than they have to.

Life is Goooooooooooooood. And the wedding countdown begins...

Tuesday, October 17, 2006

Branches keep falling all around me...

Damn the weather. Went home for lunch yesterday and a HUGE branch was ripped off of one tree and standing straight up from the ground, but tangled in the branches of another tree. After work, I went home to Mike sawing away on it. I knew we should have gotten a chainsaw.

My boss has nicknamed me "The Branch Lady". This is the third one this year: 1st one fell on my house, then one fell on my car at work, and finally this one.

I'm becoming more content. Accepting my life for what it is...rather than what it isn't. My restlessness has been my enemy for too long.

I am not interested in being a Notary. Damn me for getting myself stuck with it now. My job has already paid for the test prep classes and books. I'm pretty much stuck with HAVING to TRY to pass that grueling 5-hour exam. I don't wanna. The deadline for my application is tomorrow. I really don't want to submit it. I'd rather take it in June instead of December. I don't want to waste anyones money. It's just so much to learn in too little time. I'm hoping they just forget about it. Yeah right. I'm screwed.


I'm realizing I can't commit myself to doing something unless I truly WANT it...not just want it, but want it with ALL OF MY BEING. I need to be passionate about it for it to get my time and energy. Otherwise...I'll procrastinate until I die.

Tuesday, October 10, 2006

For the Greater Good

I was talking to a woman in my Notary class last night. This woman could be mistaken for an attorney because she knows SO MUCH about law. I was telling her about my job, complaining about my clients and such. She asked about my education and interests. She wanted to know what I was most interested in from my classes. My answer: PHILOSOPHY, but, I replied, where is the practicality in that? So I ended up in a bankruptcy law firm. Where is the greater good in this place? So many people flopping around, no eyes, ears, common sense...trying to get away with what they can. And I'm HELPING them. If I was the attorney, I'd discriminate! I'd only take the cases where there was a dire need...medical issues, a major catastrophe, something that put a normally hard-working, otherwise intelligent, good family in a bind. I WOULD NOT help these people who try to scam the system and waste our court system's time and resources. Maybe I'd be a poor attorney (financially speaking).

I want to work for the GREATER GOOD. I want my presence in the world to affect it in a positive way. I don't want to concentrate on the individual "trees" but, rather, the "forest".

Where do I belong???

Monday, October 02, 2006

Reasons to NOT write in this blog:

Wow! I realize it's been a while since I posted a blog. I go to do it and then think, what's the point, who reads these stupid things anyway? I guess that's not the point of them though. Not for me anyway, or at least, not all of the time. Sometimes I need to vent, or need a release for some uncontrollable excitement of good news, or whatever. I used to like to write; you know, like poems or something, but I haven't been inspired lately. I have important LIFE things to attend to. Wedding Planning, Notary Class, House-hunting, Car-Hunting, Giving my MAN the care and attention he needs, Giving my Animals the care and attention they need, Volunteering at Cat Haven, WORKWORKWORK, Taking Care of my Grandmother that noone ever goes to visit or gives a crap about (I want to get her a sitter, but can't afford it at all), Worrying about my brother and His MAJOR ISSUES, Worrying about my sister who is pregnant with BABY ..3, Worrying about my Aunt and my Cousin and their misfortunes, Wanting to have fun and adventures (but no time, no time), Working out at the gym to justify the mucho dinero spent monthly on my and my sister's membership cost, FIGURING OUT WHAT I WANT TO BE WHEN I GROW UP (STILL), Wishing I had time to just hang out with my friends the way I used to do (I MISS YOU GUYS). I wish I could just do ONE thing at a time and only worry about memememememememe! Unfortunately everyone needs to be taken care of, don't they?

Tuesday, September 19, 2006

THE DAY THE ANIMALS CRIED steve erwin, r.i.p.

THE DAY THE ANIMALS CRIED
written by Evelyn244

Did you hear? Asked the elephant
Raising her trunk to trumpet the news
Hes left us, hes gone, this is not a ruse
The wolves howled a long mournful report
It cannot be, where is our Aussie sport?
The lions and leopards looked on in disbelief
Can this be true? They roared in anguished grief
The seals and polar bears hung their heads in sorrow
Wondering who would be their voice tomorrow
The penguins and the whales stopped in their play
And asked, what has happened on this earth today?
The reptiles tongues sensed the pain all around
And lay still on the earth as if spellbound
The porpoises and turtles rose in the sea
To ask the other creatures how could this be?
The kangaroos and the wallabies stood still in fear
Our warrior, our champion is no longer here?
The koalas huddled together in their trees
Wondering if tomorrow they still would be free
The crocodiles tears flowed freely like rain
Confirming the truth and showing their pain
This man, this human, this creature, our friend
Someone who loved us, and on whom we depend
Who showed the world, were all worthy of love
Has slipped from this earthly realm and ascended above.

To the Irwins, Wes, and the Australian Zoo family
The ones who will miss him the most, are those creatures
Who cannot speak for themselves.

evelyn244
Member www.discovery.com
Registered: 09-08-06
Posted 09-13-06 07:47 PM
Anyone wanting further information on my poem can email me: Purr4Paws@aol.com

Monday, September 18, 2006

Three Things

Three things that scare me:
1: Outerspace
2: Things that go Bump in the Night
3: The Vast Ocean
Three people who make me laugh:
1: My sister...she's such a comedian
2: Mike
3: My little niece, Madison...silly girl
Three Things I love:
1: My sweetheart, Mike!
2: My kitties
3: My family
Three Things I hate:
1: Not Knowing
2: People with loose or no morals
3: Manipulative people
Three things I don't understand:
1: Hate without cause
2: Why innocent people suffer
3: Most math crap
Three things on my desk:
1: Computer
2: Calendar
3: Clutter...lots of clutter
Three things I'm doing right now:
1: Watching "The Early Show"
2: Drinking my yummy Starbucks Breakfast Blend, freshly ground yesterday
3: Procrastinating getting ready to go to that awful place I call work.
Three things I want to do before I die:
1: Skydive
2: Go globe-trekking
3: Have children
Three things I can do:
1: Figure YOU out...I'm very intuitive and it creeps people out!
2: Anything I decided to do...learning is the easy part
3: Write easily off the top of my head
Three ways to describe my personality:
1: Lively
2: I'm real
3: Compassionate
Three things I can't do:
1: Cartwheels...no matter how hard I've tried...just can't do 'em
2: Half the obstacles at the Marine Corps Officer Candidate School
3: Starve myself...I don't do diets at all!

Friday, September 15, 2006

Screw This Shite!

I'm going to start my OWN business...instead of dealing with everyone else's crappiness! (or get a franchise)

GiGi is like Dr. Jekyll & MRS. Hyde. Sometimes she likes me, sometimes not. This parrot stuff is for the birds (hehehe...lame, i know...whatEVER). She crawled out of her cage and back in on her own...oh, and she LOVES chicken...kinda creepy, huh?

Thursday, September 14, 2006

Crap Money

I'm sad. Maybe depressed. I hate this feeling. Not sure how to get it gone. I do not like my job, where I live and I miss all of my friends.

I started spinning yesterday. I can actually walk today. It's my new favorite class.

I really hate Baton Rouge. I want to kiss it goodbye. There's not a whole lot keeping us here...except the need for MONEY. I hate money. I hate the lack of it.

Blah blah blah and more blah.

Saturday, September 09, 2006

Our new baby! gigi



We have a new addition, her name is "GiGi". She's a Maximilian Pionus Parrot aka "Scaly-Headed Parrot". I'm sad, though, because she has apparently favored Mike over me. If I put my hand in her cage, she tries to bite me, but if Mike does, she'll bow her head for a petting. I bought two books to learn the proper care and about what type of behavior to expect, but I've never ever had a bird before and I get so nervous. I EXPECT them to bite...which probably plays a role in it. Mike's experienced around birds and exudes confidence. She gets so excited just hearing his voice in the next room. ***He does have that effect*** We aren't 100% that she's female without DNA testing, but were told that it is strongly "believed" that she is...sooooooooooo...I just call her "she". We had to buy doors to close in our dining area so she could have a cat-free room. I don't even want to see that scenario unfold...we have predators and their favorite prey living under the same roof...YIKES!

Friday, September 08, 2006

Schultz Family Crest

Schultz Family Crest
For years I've been poking around trying to find any sign of this "ghost" of a father who participated in my creation. The one person who can tell me anything is completely disinterested in seeking him out. It's not her problem whatsoever in her mind. So I poke and I half-ass search...if he was somewhat interested in being found I'd probably have picked up SOMETHING after all of these years on the internet. For now, I only have our mutual last name with no leads...It's that whole needle in the haystack...



Schultz Family Crest


Schultz


Origin Displayed: German

Origins Available: German, Dutch

The name Schultz comes from one of those ancient dukedoms, territories and states that would eventually form a part of present day Germany. At its birth in the Middle Ages, it was used to indicate someone who worked as a town-mayor derived from the medieval name "Schultheis" which has the same meaning.

Spelling variations include: Schultz, Schultheis, Schultes, Schultz, Schultze, Schulz, Scholz and many more.

First found in Switzerland, where branches of this estimable family were elevated to the ranks of the nobility and came to possess great political influence.

Some of the first settlers of this name or some of its variants were: Esther Susanna Schultheis, who came to America with her five children in 1709. The first bearer of the variation "Schultz" to arrive was Anna Elizabeth Schultz, who came to New York City in 1710. Other Schultz members arrived in Philadelphia after 1725.

Copyright © 2000 - 2006 Swyrich Corporation, all rights reserved

Suggested Readings for the name Schultz
The House by the Divina: A Russian-Scottish Childhood by Eugenie Fraser, Matthias Schultz and his Descendants by Carlyle W. Bennett, The Walker County Schultz Family History by Eva Regina Swindle.

Some noteworthy people of the name Schultz

* Theodore William Schultz (1902-) American economist
* Dutch Schultz (1902-1935) American bootlegger

Thursday, August 31, 2006

HAPPINESS and stuff

How the hell do you work an iPod??? Mike got me the Nano one for my birthday. I went to the gym yesterday and sat in the locker room FOREVER trying to figure out how to turn the volume up! When I had downloaded music from my iTunes, I let the little thing pick the songs for me...I'm huffing and puffing to Nine Inch Nails when all of these OLDIES start popping up. WTF? I forgot I had uploaded some of my grandmother's cds on my computer...oh well!

NEWSFLASH:

We are leaving for my cousins in Florida today or tomorrow! I FINALLY get to go to DISNEYWORLD!!! WOOHOO! Mike had promised to take me last year for my birthday and KATRINA (that bitch) ruined my plans! So I get to see my COUSIN and go to DISNEY! Double-whammy! Oh! AND THE LEAK IN MY CEILING IS FINALLY FIXED! My "planning your wedding class" was cancelled due to low enrollment (bitches) BUT my work is sending me to Baton Rouge Community College to prepare for the Notary Exam. Cool.

I can't get that song out of my head..."I'm going to Disneyland" (and I can't find the stupid lyrics or I'd definitely post them).

Tuesday, August 29, 2006

Happenings and Remembrances

One year ago today...I watched the news like an eagle...tracking Katrina until the power went out. We wanted to see it up close and personal so we went to the levy and saw short little Anderson Cooper and his CNN crew. They interviewed us and I ripped my favorite pants hopping the fence to leave...got home and the roof was leaking...we climbed up in the attic to investigate, next thing I knew my leg had gone through the ceiling...there's still a "patch" there today where we never fully repaired it and the roof still leaks.

This weekend was cool. Saw my grandparents. Rode on the golf cart...A LOT. It's amazing how FUN those things can be. It was good "family" time. We camped out in grandpa's back yard with a huge campfire. I awoke to Woody Woodpecker pecking away above my head on one of grandpa's 20-foot pines. I never saw the long-anticipated Ivory Bill I hoped for. I think it was probably the Pilleated one anyway...what would be the odds...you know?

Wednesday, August 23, 2006

Going to Texas

It's official. We are taking another trip to Texas to visit my grandparents. My step-grandmother is very sick and I'm afraid that she won't be around very much longer. She has Emphysema (I'm sure it's spelled some other way) and my grandfather has colon cancer. He decided to stop getting treatment and to let it take its course. It's all so very sad. We take our family for granted...it's hard to imagine life without the people who passed their genes to you. I was thinking that I want to order a couple of those DNA kits and swab my grandma and grandpa while they are still breathing. I want to capture what I can to discover where we came from. When I dated my two Arabic boyfriends, I was so impressed with how well their families were documented. They had so much pride in knowing where they came from. I was a "bastard" child. I never met my father and my mom was mostly absent, if not physically then emotionally and mentally. She's trapped inside her own head therefore cutting her children off from the family they could have known. I have cousins, aunts, uncles on my mother's side that I don't know. It's a crying shame. I want my children to know their family. It's hard if I don't know them first! Everyone is so distant. We don't have family reunions. If we did, I have never heard of them. I hear years later that so and so got married...never got an invitation. I hate it. It's like being an orphan really. I wish I could meet my dad's side to see if they are different...but they never wanted me in the first place. According to my mom, his parents picked up and moved away to protect him...from what? From his responsibilities from fathering a child. I think that he was convinced I wasn't his. He's probably living his life guilt-free. I really want him to know me...all that I've suffered through without a proper father. If I don't find him in this life, I'll just have to haunt him (hehehe).

Anyway...yup, going to Texas this weekend with my sweetheart, my sis and her sweetie and her two devil children, my brother, maybe my mom and "stepdad". What fun it will be. We will be camping by the lake...ok, the ones of us who aren't pansies, the others will be staying with my grandparents. I'm going to investigate this woodpecker...could it be an Ivory Bill...we shall see, I'll have my cameras aimed and ready to document!!!

Wrecks and dreams

Wrecks and dreams
I dreamed about eyelashes last night. I was at some type of spa and they were asking me what color I wanted, brown or black. I asked what would look best on me. They had all this fake hair that they were going to make into eyelashes. There was some very stark white blonde girl...they said she's getting brown and y'all have a similar coloring...I thought they were nuts...I said "give me black".

There is always some type of war going on in my dreams. They are always tumultuous, lots of action and excitement...and usually pretty scary for "normal" people. There was a giant gorilla sleeping. He was huge...now that I think about it, he could be King Kong (and no, I haven't seen that since I was a kid). We were driving in Mike's new Radiant Red Tacoma...trying not to wake him...Mike slams the gas so hard and the truck begins to flip...gorilla dude is running after us like on Jurassic Park...the truck flipped over and I was scared he was going to try to grab us off of the grounds so I summoned all of my power and picked the truck up over my head and hurled it at him and we took off running. Whew!

On another note:

Mike was rear-ended yesterday. The guy hit him and then went around him and took off! Mike took off after the guy, followed by one of his co-workers who had been behind the truck-hitter guy. They chased him down and cornered his car with the police on the way. I told him not to and made him promise that he'd let the police handle it. Of course he didn't listen because he didn't want the guy to get away. It turns out the guy had a previous hit and run and was on parole. He didn't have a license but he did have insurance. Oh and Mike nailed his self to a board yesterday too. I thought it was just a small wound where he got poked by a nail, but no, the nail when into the palm of his hand and came out of the other side (think shish-kabob)....then two guys at his work got struck by lightening...

Is there a full moon out or something?

Monday, August 21, 2006

Weekend Stuff

This weekend had so much packed into...just need to sort it out...

Babysat Saturday...took them to Bluebonnet Swamp. Very cool. Saw baby alligators, snakes, turtles, igaunas, lizards, snakes AGAIN, a tarantula, SPIDERS, and more SNAKES. Then had a poolside cook-out at my sister's new place. Kinda fun...got intoxicated among other things and went home and Mike and I cleaned out the garage...got rid of some major JUNK. This weekend was all about getting rid of baggage and only keeping what's important!

Sunday we did lots of yard work and put a deposit down on a parrot, yes, a PARROT. Poor baby. It's at Petland (you can go look, but don't touch!). It slapped me in the face with it's wing when I tried to hold it and then flew to the floor. It'll love me, I know it will. I have a sense about these thingies!

I did lots of wedding planning stuff. I think I'll have my dress MADE. I don't want your typical conventional dress. I'm special and I need a special dress damnit!

Tuesday, August 15, 2006

Supporting the bereaved

From the Tibetan Book of the Dead
Category: Religion and Philosophy


Adapted from The Tibetan Book of Living and Dying

Among Tibetans, whenever someone dies it's natural for their relatives and friends to gather round, and everyone always finds some way or another to give a helping hand. The whole community provides strong spiritual, emotional, and practical support, and the dead person's family is never left feeling helpless or at a loss or wondering what they can do. Everyone in Tibetan society knows that as much as possible is being done for the dead person, and that knowledge empowers those who are left behind to endure, accept, and survive the death of their loved ones.

How different it is now in modern society, where such community support has been almost entirely lost! I often think how such support could save the grief of bereavement from being prolonged and needlessly difficult, as it so often is.
Overcoming feelings of helplessness

My students who work as bereavement counselors in hospices have told me that one of the severest sources of anguish for a bereaved person is the belief that neither they nor anyone else can do anything for their loved one who has died. But there is a great deal that anyone can do to help the dead.

One way of comforting the bereaved is to encourage them to do something for their loved ones who have died: by living even more intensely on their behalf after they have gone, by practicing for them, and so giving their death a deeper meaning. In Tibet relatives may even go on a pilgrimage for the dead person, and at special moments and at holy places they will think of their dead loved ones and practice for them. The Tibetans never forget the dead: They will make offerings at shrines on their behalf; at great prayer meetings they will sponsor prayers in their name; they will keep making donations, for them, to spiritual projects; and whenever they meet masters they will request special prayers for them. The greatest consolation for a Tibetan would be to know that a master was doing practice for their dead relative.

Don't let us half die with our loved ones, then; let us try to live, after they have gone, with greater fervor. Let us try, at least, to fulfill the dead person's wishes or aspirations in some way, for instance by giving some of his belongings to charity, or sponsoring in her name a project she held particularly dear.

Tibetans often write letters of condolence to friends who are bereaved. If our friend has lost a child or someone close to them who seemed too young to die so soon, we tell them:

Now your little boy has died, and it seems as if your whole world has been shattered. It seems, I know, so cruel and illogical. I cannot explain your son's death, but I do know that it must be the natural result of his karma, and I believe and know that his death must have purified some karmic debt that you and I cannot know about. Your grief is my grief. But take heart because now you and I can help him, through our practice and our good actions and our love; we can take his hand and walk by his side, even now, even when he's dead, and help him to find a new birth and a longer life next time.

In our world, however, where we do not know that it is even possible to help the dead, and where we have not faced the fact of death at all, such a serene and wise reflection cannot be easy. A person who is going through bereavement for the first time may simply be shattered by the array of disturbing feelings, of intense sadness, anger, denial, withdrawal, and guilt that they suddenly find are playing havoc inside them. Helping those who have just gone through the loss of someone close to them will call for all your patience and sensitivity.
Keep in touch

You will need to spend time with them and to let them talk, to listen silently without judgment as they recall their most private memories, or go over again and again the details of the death. Above all, you will need simply to be there with them as they experience what is probably the fiercest sadness and pain of their entire lives. Make sure you make yourself available to them at all times, even when they don't seem to need it. Carol, a widow, was interviewed for a video series on death one year after her husband had died. "When you look back on the last year," she was asked, "who would you say had helped you the most?" She said: "The people who kept calling and coming by, even though I said 'no'."
Understanding the process of mourning

People who are grieving go through a kind of death. Just like a person who is actually dying, they need to know that the disturbing emotions they are feeling are natural. They need to know too that the process of mourning is a long and often tortuous one, where grief returns again and again in cycles. Their shock and numbness and disbelief will fade, and will be replaced by a deep and at times desperate awareness of the immensity of their loss, which itself will settle eventually into a state of recovery and balance. Tell them that this is a pattern that will repeat itself over and over again, month after month, and that all their unbearable feelings and fears, of being unable to function as a human being any more, are normal. Tell them that although it may take one year or two, their grief will definitely reach an end and be transformed into acceptance.

As Judy Tatelbaum says:

Grief is a wound that needs attention in order to heal. To work through and complete grief means to face our feelings openly and honestly, to express and release our feelings fully and to tolerate and accept our feelings for however long it takes for the wound to heal. We fear that once acknowledged grief will bowl us over. The truth is that grief experienced does dissolve. Grief unexpressed is grief that lasts indefinitely.

But so often, tragically, friends and family of the bereaved person expect them to be "back to normal" after a few months. This only intensifies their bewilderment and isolation as their grief continues, and sometimes even deepens.

In Tibet, as I've said, the whole community, friends and relatives, would take part during the forty-nine days after the death, and everyone was fully occupied in the activity of the spiritual help being given to the dead person, with all the hundred things there were to do. The bereaved would grieve, and they would cry a little, as is only natural, and then when everyone had left, the house would look empty. Yet in so many subtle, heartwarming ways, the bustle and support of those forty-nine days had helped them through a great part of their mourning.
Completing the relationship and letting go

Facing loss alone in our society is very different. And all the usual feelings of grief are magnified intensely in the case of a sudden death, or a suicide. It reinforces the sense that the bereaved is powerless in any way to help their loved one who is gone. It is very important for survivors of sudden death to go and see the body, otherwise it can be difficult to realize that death has actually happened. If possible, people should sit quietly by the body, to say what they need to, express their love, and start to say goodbye.

If this is not possible, bring out a photo of the person who has just died and begin the process of saying goodbye, completing the relationship, and letting go. Encourage those who have suffered the sudden death of a loved one to do this, and it will help them to accept the new, searing reality of death. Tell them too of ways of helping a dead person, simple ways they too can use, instead of sitting hopelessly going over again and again the moment of death in silent frustration and self-recrimination.

In the case of a sudden death, the survivors may often experience wild and unfamiliar feelings of anger at what they see as the cause of the death. Help them express that anger, because if it is held inside, sooner or later it will plunge them into a chronic depression. Help them to let go of the anger and uncover the depths of pain that hide behind it. Then they can begin the painful but ultimately healing task of letting go.

It happens often too that someone is left after the death of a loved one feeling intense guilt, obsessively reviewing mistakes in the past relationship, or torturing themselves about what they might have done to prevent the death. Help them to talk about their feelings of guilt, however irrational and crazy they may seem. Slowly these feelings will diminish, and they will come to forgive themselves and go on with their lives.

Copyright 1992-2006 Spiritual Care Program, C. Longaker, and Rigpa Fellowship

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An Overview of World Beliefs
Much of what we know and perceive about death and dying comes from our religious background. In fact, our attitudes about death are deeply connected with our views on religion. Whether or not we believe in a God or gods shapes how we view the afterlife or lack thereof. Our fear of death can either be compounded or eased by our religious outlook. If you believe in an angry God that punishes us for all trespasses, then death can be frightening. Believing that we all go to a better place after death, regardless of behavior, can cause apathy towards death.

There seems to be a sharp rift between Eastern and Western cultural views on Death. Mainly in the beliefs in and about "salvation", reincarnation, and the afterlife. Beyond this, big differences in attitude can exist within sects or branches of the same religious tree - causing more confusion.

Eastern religions such as Buddhism and Hinduism believe in a progression of the soul after death. The accumulation of bad or good karma affects your rebirth into either a favorable or unfavorable situation, with the ultimate goal being Nirvana or enlightenment. No state is eternal except that of Nirvana; so if you do end up in a bad place you will eventually burn off the bad karma and progress.

Western religions tend to look at this life as a one chance shot at proving yourself, with the end result being an eternity in either heaven or hell. Catholics believe in an intermediate state called Purgatory where those who aren't saved but not bad enough for hell work their way up. This is actually similar to the Buddhist idea of "burning off bad karma". Jewish beliefs vary but most often do not include the typical Christian idea of an inescapable hell. Jews see hell more as a separation from God than an actual place full of fire and brimstone. Likewise, heaven may be viewed as a joining to God's light or spirit and not necessarily a physical place with streets of gold.

Explore how the different world religions view death and the afterlife and make an informed personal decision with the help of these great sites: [link url=http://dying.about.com/cs/religiousviews/index.htm]Religious Views on Death

Judgment Day: Buried in Debt

As I am entering our clients' debts into our software program, I can't help but become overwhelmed with the enormity of their burdens. It's amazing how buried someone can become in debt. Some of these people are very old with no health insurance. They have so many medical bills that I'm sure it can't be healthy for them to shoulder! When I am sitting with them going over everything, I feel as if it's Judgment Day and I am reading their sins out loud to them. I feel some of their shame, some though, frankly don't give a damn. As soon as they are discharged they will go right back to racking up debt and become burdens of the economy once again.

I HATE THIS JOB.

Mumblings

Numb
Cant circulate,
Except for this aching sensation,
A ball of ouch
Moving from core to limb.
STOP FEELING.

I see their appraisals
Or is it a reflection
A self-projection.
Spinning, I turn on my heal
dont need this, dont need them (can't get away from myself)
That's Mizzzzzz Expert Brick Mason.
BUILD YOU OUT.


No internal boundaries
Say too much
Think too much.
(you don't care)
Repressing, possessing.
Holding the jailors keys
In my own hand
Cant find the lock to open.
FIND IT YOURSELF

AWKWARD.
Floating in this skin
Who is this person around me?
I have to be on her team again?
Man. That sucks.
I always get the shaft.
Stuck with myself.
HATE YOU ALL.

Warped mind
or cursed clarity.
Love-monger
Heart-throbber.
Paying pennance.
Showing responsibility.
LOVE HURTS

Still searching.
In everyone and no one.
Stupid dreamer.
Soulmate.
Isolated and diminished.
You PROMISED.

Dependent whore.
Afraid.
Afraid of everything.
Betrayed, Betrayed, Betrayed.
Abandoned yet not alone.
No hope and no home.
Reasoning into insanity.
SOMETHINGS MISSING.

Waiting.

WEIRD BARRIERS.

I always walk away.
Don't want ANY of you.

Saturday, August 12, 2006

Death

Just heard the news that Daniel, my former co-worker, was killed last night. I haven't seen him in a long time. I've heard through myspace that he's engaged to another one of my former co-workers. Both great people. There were a lot of great people there. I really miss everyone. Lots of potential life-long friends. Now one of them has passed on. It's an in-your-face reminder that life is impermanent. We should all remember that all we take for granted will no doubt be gone one day, at any moment. Also, everyone in our lives will be gone sooner or later. This strengthens my belief in Buddhist principles. Non-attachment. We are not supposed to get ATTACHED to anything or anyone, but that doesn't mean we can't still be loving and put our loved ones before ourselves. When someone's life is extinguished it's like a limb being ripped off of those who were a part of his life's fabric. We don't know how to cope with these things. When Dan died, I was delusional. I have seen this over and over again with other people who lose those closest to them. You don't want to go to sleep because you know that when you wake up, you are waking up to a world without that person in it. You must face each day without that person. It's similar to breaking up, but much much worse because you know that person won't wake up or sleep again. This forces our eyes to look beyond this life and to try to fathom the soul's journey. Where IS he? Where did he GO? There is no more helpless feeling in the entire world. We can't bring them back. All we can do is cope. We have to reach out to all of the other people in our lives. When we lose someone, we no longer care about our basic needs. How can we possibly eat, or sleep, or go on with day-to-day activities when he's DEAD! The people around us who weren't as close to our lost loved one try with the best of intentions to make us feel better. "He's in a better place now" "He can't hurt" "He'll watch over you" BLAH! BLAH! BLAH! This does nothing to console us! I started researching everything I could get my hands on to find out about what happens to someone when they die. Christian explanations did NOTHING! These things I was taught my entire life did not provide a logical explanation that satisfied me. I wanted to know step by step what he was experiencing and when. I saw him everywhere in my waking life. He was a ghost, but just like a real solid person standing there in front of me. He always had a death expression on his face. He came to all of us in a final dream, though, to say goodbye. All of his friends and family that I spoke to had a similar dream. I asked "Will I ever see you again" and he said "Maybe, we'll see" Even that, though, didn't satisfy me. I begged God "God, if you really exist then why the hell would you try to make me believe in bullshit and fantasies. I need somehting REAL, somehting TANGIBLE. I need PROOF that his soul is still out there, that it still EXISTS and didn't simply vanish for all of eternity. Just then, A star streaked the sky in front of me. I was baffled. I had never actually seen a falling star. Two days before he died, Dan had tried to show me a falling star, but I always was just a second too late. I told him I had NEVER seen one, he couldn't believe it because he saw them all the time. I felt like this was my proof. There is a God and Dan was existing SOMEWHERE. That was all they could give me, and I had to deal with it. I have slowly recovered. If you know someone who has lost someone dear to them, know that, honestly, they will be grieving for years. It takes that long for them to pick up and accept that the person will not be coming back. Life does go on for the living and we have no choice but to make the best of it.

Friday, August 11, 2006

Do not go gentle into the night...

Me~I choose silence at the chance of sounding crazy. Explosions within maim me. I want to RAGE into the night.

Dylan Thomas~
"DO NOT GO GENTLE INTO THAT GOOD NIGHT"

Do not go gentle into that good night,
Old age should burn and rave at close of day;
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

Though wise men at their end know dark is right,
Because their words had forked no lightning they
Do not go gentle into that good night.

Good men, the last wave by, crying how bright
Their frail deeds might have danced in a green bay,
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

Wild men who caught and sang the sun in flight,
And learn, too late, they grieved it on its way,
Do not go gentle into that good night.

Grave men, near death, who see with blinding sight
Blind eyes could blaze like meteors and be gay,
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

And you, my father, there on the sad height,
Curse, bless me now with your fierce tears, I pray.
Do not go gentle into that good night.
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

Our clients!

We should not assume that we all are alike and perceive the same and know the same, although it's so hard to not think that way.

The people that come into our office drive me crazy because of their lack of knowledge, laziness, ignorance. I have to remind myself that "how can they know what they've never been taught?" I try to simplify. I break things down to their most basic parts. When they don't GET IT I get furious! I want to BEAT sense into them TO MAKE THEM WANT TO TAKE CARE OF THEIR LIVES. I can't lump them all into one category. There are the ones who truly had setbacks and are now trying to get on their feet. There are those who have been wronged and left hanging with five childrena and mountains of debt with nowhere to go. Then their are the menaces of society, the deadbeats, the ones who I wish would just fall off the face of the earth. They are the ones who give welfare a bad rap. The white and black trash, they are filth. If I had my own law practice, I wouldn't even take their money!

Thursday, August 03, 2006

Kabbalah Thought of the Week

We all exist in one perfect state, but do not feel so. Our sensations are unimproved and distorted; according to them, our state is imperfect.

Our inner feelings are so unrefined that we nevertheless perceive our most blissful state as imperfect. Even now, we are in an absolutely perfect state. However, we are sent such thoughts and feelings that it seems to us that we are in a different, bad state, as it is said, When we return to the Creator, we will see it was all a dream.

Then we will realize that our sensations were totally unimproved, that we saw reality quite differently from what it really was at the time. We could not perceive it correctly, for our senses were incorrectly tuned.
p. 28, chapter "The Introduction to the Article 'The Preamble to the Wisdom of Kabbalah,'" in The Science of Kabbalah (Pticha).

Writer's Block

Fractions of words

Stumbling thoughts

Image fragments

Nothing.

Saturday, July 29, 2006

The nightmare

It began with me stooping down to pick up a white feather I saw lying on the ground. Then a white dove appeared. I tried to pet it with the feather. Like a cat, it sniffed it, catching the death scent of it's species. It began to fly at me, pecking and attacking me. Then the floor was unsteady and movable. It was dizzying. I have a recurring theme of flooding. This flooding recurs in several forms. Last nights dreams were turbulent and frightening. I looked out my dining room window to see the violent ocean rising. I was horrified and in disbelief of what I saw. I immediately realized I wasn't prepared for such a disaster and damned myself for not having a boat or a plan. I thought about my family in their homes and that I had not warned them to get a boat either. I planned my course of action, to pull the attic ladder down and climb up...my cats would have to follow on their own...but what if the water continued to rise...I didn't have time to find out the outcome because the dream shifted to even more havoc in my life. My brother's body was cut in half, only his torso laid beneath the water in the tub, where was the rest of him I wondered? I searched throughout the house for all that was missing. I checked back into the bathroom on my brother and this time he was halfway out of the water, looking and talking like normal, more of his lower body was restored, but this time intestines were exposed and unraveling in the water...the dream continued with twists and turns, people I had never met in and out of my house, lots of little arab children and their families playing in the puddles left in my yard. I ordered food for them and told them to go eat it at their own house. I wasn't prepared to deal with visitors. Scenes switched to a highway of hitchikers, we were on a type of exodus. I had many puppies and found others with them, i had to pet them all so they wouldn't be sad. Another scene was at a restaurant, their was a giant that was destructive. He needed help so he'd stop destroying, I did what I could for him. Then I was a ghost again, like the dream I had the night before. I was rejected by the living and sat outside on the sidewalk where I found other zombies. I told them, who cares if we are rejected from their groups, lets form our own group and go inside. We will defy them. I thought to myself that we were a pitiful sight, but we could find strength in one another.

Dream symbol: flood (www.soulfuture.com)

Interpretation:
An emotional overflow
Feeling overwhelmed or unable to cope
A deep release of emotions or a cathartic state
Failing to take charge of your life or circumstances over a long period of time
Feeling inundated or bombarded

Flood: Judgment on those who use whatever power they have to inflict violence on others; sin judged; overcome; to be overcome and unable to recover; enticed to sin and fall; overcoming sadness and grief; great destruction and trouble; worldly powers that are hostile; invading army; trial; persecution. (Ps. 29: 10; 32: 6; 93: 3; Jer. 46: 7, 8; Dan. 9: 26; Matt. 7: 25-27; Rev. 12: 15-16; Is. 28: 15-17; 43: 2; 59: 19; Gen. 6: 17) http://www.tehillah.org/dresymone.html

On disaster dreams

Another nightmare is the disaster dream. These are often extremely vivid and we may awaken terrified and apprehensive. These dreams should not be ignored nor taken literally. The disaster may indicate some emotional upheaval that is taking place or about to take place in our life. The disaster may involve an earthquake, our world is being shaken up; or an avalanche, feeling overwhelmed and buried by some situation we find ourself in or perhaps the thawing out of some frozen emotions; or a flood, being caught up in the currents of everyday life and not feeling on solid ground; or a fire, being consumed by passion or rage or some other strong feeling that may feel out of control. The disaster may be a positive image indicating a significant change tearing down old patterns of behavior and a turning point of opportunity or it may be a warning of something valuable in our life that..s falling apart or being swept away. Sometimes it may represent both aspects since change and crisis often carry both positive and negative feelings with them. The nightmare is a dream that needs to be taken seriously. They are urgent psychological messages that something in our emotional psyche needs to be paid attention to and can no longer be ignored or we do so at our own peril. http://www-leland.stanford.edu/~corelli/shortworks.html

The seven-stepped Emerald Formula:

Calcination

Calcination is the first of seven major operations in the alchemy of transformation.

Chemically, the Calcination process involves heating a substance in a crucible or over an open flame until it is reduced to ashes. In the Arcanum Experiment, Calcination is represented by sulfuric acid, which the alchemists made from a naturally occurring substance called Vitriol. Sulfuric acid is a powerful corrosive that eats away flesh and reacts with all metals except gold.

Psychologically, this is the destruction of ego and our attachments to material possessions. Calcination is usually a natural humbling process as we are gradually assaulted and overcome by the trials and tribulations of life, though it can be a deliberate surrender of our inherent hubris gained through a variety of spiritual disciplines that ignite the fire of introspection and self-evaluation.

Physiologically, the Fire of Calcination can be experienced as the metabolic discipline or aerobic activity that tunes the body, burning off excesses from overindulgence and producing a lean, mean, fighting machine. Calcination begins in the Base or Lead Chakra at the sacral cup at the base of the spine.

In Society, the Calcination is expressed in the lives of revolutionaries, conquerors, and other warriors who try to overthrow the status quo.

On the Planetary level, it is the Fire of creation, the formation of a livable environment from molten matter and volcanic ashes.

CORRESPONDENCES OF CALCINATION

According to the Emerald Tablet, "Its father is the Sun." Element: Fire. Color: Magenta; Purple-Red. Planet: Saturn



***

Dissolution

Dissolution is the second major operation in the alchemy of transformation.

Chemically, it is the dissolving the ashes from Calcination in water. In the Arcanum Experiment, Dissolution is represented by iron oxide or rust, which illustrated the potentially corrosive powers of Water on even the hardest of metals. When processed, Vitriol breaks down into sulfuric acid and iron oxide, which are the first two arcana or secret ingredients. The Egyptians smelted Iron as far back as 1500 BCE and used iron compounds in tonics and as disinfectants.

Psychologically, this represents a further breaking down of the artificial structures of the psyche by total immersion in the unconscious, non-rational, feminine or rejected part of our minds. It is, for the most part, an unconscious process in which our conscious minds let go of control to allow the surfacing of buried material. It is opening the floodgates and generating new energy from the waters held back. Dissolution can be experienced as "flow," the bliss of being well-used and actively engaged in creative acts without traditional prejudices, personal hang-ups, or established hierarchy getting in the way.

Physiologically, Dissolution is the continuance of the kundalini experience, the opening-up of energy channels in the body to recharge and elevate every single cell. Dissolution takes place in the Genital or Tin Chakra and involves the lungs and spleen.

In Society, the process of steady growth through gradual Dissolution is exemplified by agrarian, monastic, or agriculture-based lifestyles.

On the Planetary level, Dissolution is the Great Flood, the cleansing of the earth of all that is inferior.



Correspondences of dissolution

According to the Emerald Tablet, "Its mother is the Moon." Element: Water. Color: Light Blue. Planet: Jupiter. Metal: Tin.

***



Separation

Separation is the third of the operations of transformation in alchemy.

Chemically, it is the isolation of the components of Dissolution by filtration and then discarding any ungenuine or unworthy material. In the Arcanum Experiment, Separation is represented by the compound sodium carbonate, which separates out of water and appears as white soda ash on dry lakebeds. The oldest known deposits are in Egypt. The alchemists sometimes referred to this compound as Natron, which meant the common tendency in all salts to form solid bodies or precipitates.

Psychologically, this process is the rediscovery of our essence and the reclaiming of dream and visionary "gold" previously rejected by the masculine, rational part of our minds. It is, for the most part, a conscious process in which we review formerly hidden material and decide what to discard and what to reintegrate into our refined personality. Much of this shadowy material is things we are ashamed of or were taught to hide away by our parents, churches, and schooling. Separation is letting go of the self-inflicted restraints to our true nature, so we can shine through.

Physiologically, Separation is following and controlling the breath in the body as it works with the forces of Spirit and Soul to give birth to new energy and physical renewal. Separation begins in the Navel or Iron Chakra located at the level of the solar plexus.

In Society, Separation is expressed as the establishment of clans, cities, and nationalities.

Separation on the Planetary level is represented by the formation of landmasses and islands from the powerful forces of Air, Water, Earth, and Fire.



Correspondences of separation

According to the Emerald Tablet, "The Wind carries it in its belly." Element: Air. Color: Orange-Red. Planet: Mars. Metal: Iron.

***

Conjunction

Conjunction is the fourth of the seven operations of alchemy.

Chemically, it is the recombination of the saved elements from Separation into a new substance. In the Arcanum Experiment, Conjunction is symbolized by a nitrate compound known as cubic-saltpeter or potassium nitrate, which the alchemists called Natron or simply Salt. Blue-colored Natron acid (aqua fortis) was made by mixing potassium nitrate with sulfuric acid and was used to separate silver from gold. The inert residue precipitated from the acid during the reaction like a child being born.

Psychologically, it is empowerment of our true selves, the union of both the masculine and feminine sides of our personalities into a new belief system or an intuitive state of consciousness. The alchemists referred to it as the Lesser Stone, and after it is achieved, the adept is able to clearly discern what needs to be done to achieve lasting enlightenment, which is union with the Overself. Often, synchronicities begin to occur that confirm the alchemist is on the right track.

Physiologically, Conjunction is using the bodys sexual energies for personal transformation. Conjunction takes place in the body at the level of the Heart or Copper Chakra.

In Society, it is the growth of crafts and technology to master the environment.

On the Planetary level, Conjunction occurs when primordial life forms are created from the energy of the Sun or lightning.


Correspondences of conjunction

According to the Emerald Tablet, "The Earth is its nurse." Element: Earth. Color: Green. Planet: Venus. Metal: Copper.

***

Fermentation

Fermentation is the fifth operation in the alchemy of transformation.

Fermentation is a two-stepped process that begins with the Putrefaction of the hermaphroditic "child" from the Conjunction resulting in its death and resurrection to a new level of being. The Fermentation phase then begins with the introduction of new life into the product of Conjunction to strengthen it and insure its survival.

Chemically, Fermentation is the growth of a ferment (bacteria) in organic solutions, such as occurs in the fermenting of milk to produce curds and cheese or in the fermenting of grapes to make wine. In the Arcanum Experiment, the process of Fermentation is represented by a compound called Liquor Hepatis, which is an oily, reddish-brown mixture of ammonia and the rotten-egg-smelling compound hydrogen sulfide. Egyptian alchemists made ammonia by heating camel dung in sealed containers and thought of it as a kind of refined Mercury that embodied the life force. Liquor Hepatis means "Liquor of the Liver," which they believed was the seat of the Soul, and the color they associated with the compound was green, the color of bile. Surprisingly, Liquor Hepatis exudes a wonderful fragrance, and the alchemists made a perfume of it called "Balsam of the Soul."

Psychologically, the Fermentation process starts with the inspiration of spiritual power from Above that reanimates, energizes, and enlightens the alchemist. Out of the blackness of his Putrefaction comes the yellow Ferment, which appears like a golden wax flowing out of the foul matter of the Soul. Its arrival is announced by a brilliant display of colors and meaningful visions called the "Peacocks Tail." Fermentation can be achieved through various activities that include intense prayer, desire for mystical union, breakdown of the personality, transpersonal therapy, psychedelic drugs, and deep meditation. Fermentation is living inspiration from something totally beyond us.

Physiologically, Fermentation is the rousing of living energy (chi or kundalini) in the body to heal and vivify. It is expressed as vibratory tones and spoken truths emerging from the Throat or Mercury Chakra.

In Society, the Fermentation experience is the basis of religion and mystical awareness.

On the Planetary level, it is the evolution of life to produce higher consciousness.

Correspondences of fermetation

According to the Emerald Tablet, during Fermentation, we raise consciousness from the darkness of the animal body through personal meditation and planetary evolution. "Separate the Earth from Fire," it tells us, "the subtle from the gross, gently and with great Ingenuity." Substance: Sulfur. Color: Turquoise. Planet: Venus. Metal: Mercury.

***

Distillation

Distillation is the sixth major operation in the alchemy of transformation.

Chemically, it is the boiling and condensation of the fermented solution to increase its purity, such as takes place in the distilling of wine to make brandy. In the Arcanum Experiment, Distillation is represented by a compound known as Black Pulvis Solaris, which is made by mixing black antimony with purified sulfur. The two immediately clump together to make what the alchemists called a "bezoar," a kind of sublimated solid that forms in the intestines and brain.

Psychologically, Distillation is the agitation and sublimation of psychic forces is necessary to ensure that no impurities from the inflated ego or deeply submerged id are incorporated into the next and final stage. Personal Distillation consists of a variety of introspective techniques that raise the content of the psyche to the highest level possible, free from sentimentality and emotions, cut off even from ones personal identity. Distillation is the purification of the unborn Self -- all that we truly are and can be.

Physiologically, Distillation is raising the life force repeatedly from the lower regions in the cauldron of the body to the brain (what Oriental alchemists called the Circulation of the Light), where it eventually becomes a wondrous solidifying light full of power. Distillation is said to culminate in the Third Eye area of the forehead, at the level of the pituitary and pineal glands, in the Brow or Silver Chakra.

In Society, the Distillation experience is expressed as science and objective experimentation.

On the Planetary level, Distillation is the realization of the power of higher love, as the life force on the entire planet gradually seeks to become one force in nature based on a shared vision of Truth.

Correspondences of distillation

According to the Emerald Tablet, during the Distillation process, "It rises from Earth to Heaven and descends again to Earth, thereby combining within Itself the powers of both the Above and the Below." Substance: Mercury. Color: Deep Blue. Planet: Mercury. Metal: Silver.

***

Coagulation

Coagulation is the seventh and final operation of alchemy.

Chemically, Coagulation is the precipitation or sublimation of the purified Ferment from Distillation. In the Arcanum Experiment, Coagulation is represented by a compound called Red Pulvis Solaris, which is a reddish-orange powder of pure sulfur mixed with the therapeutic mercury compound, red mercuric oxide. The name Pulvis Solaris means "Powder of the Sun" and the alchemists believed it could instantly perfect any substance to which it was added.

Psychologically, Coagulation is first sensed as a new confidence that is beyond all things, though many experience it as a Second Body of golden coalesced light, a permanent vehicle of consciousness that embodies the highest aspirations and evolution of mind. Coagulation incarnates and releases the Ultima Materia of the soul, the Astral Body, which the alchemists also referred to it as the Greater or Philosophers Stone. Using this magical Stone, the alchemists believed they could exist on all levels of reality.

Physiologically, this stage is marked by the release of the Elixir in the blood that rejuvenates the body into a perfect vessel of health. A brain ambrosia is said to be released through the interaction of light from the phallic-shaped pineal gland and matter from the vulva of the pituitary. This heavenly food or viaticum both nourishes and energizes the cells without any waste products being produced. These physiological and psychological processes create the Second Body, a body of solid light that emerges through the Crown or Gold Chakra.

In Society, it is the living wisdom in which everyone exists within the same light of evolved consciousness and knowledge of Truth.

On the Planetary level, Coagulation is a return to the Garden of Eden, this time on a higher level in tune with the divine mind.

Correspondences of coagulation

According to the Emerald Tablet, "Thus will you obtain the Glory of the Whole Universe. All Obscurity will be clear to you. This is the greatest Force of all powers, because it overcomes every Subtle thing and penetrates every Solid thing." Substance: Salt. Color: Violet; Purple. Planet: Sun. Metal: Gold.

Full credit for the article goes to the excellent alchemy website: http://www.alchemylab.com/

Thursday, July 27, 2006

Writer's Block

I'm suffering from it big time. I seriously think I'm having Anxiety Attacks because of it!!! It's all bottled up with no outlet. What's blocking it? Me, I guess. I started this blogging thing because I read over and over that you must WRITE all of the time, no matter what it is, in order to develop your writing skills. Now I'm just filling in space with other people's works who kinda sorta are saying what I would be if I'd just take the time to write it myself, maybe even better, who knows? Oh, and I am angry at BILLY TICKLE! Here's an oh-so random e-mail from May 18, 2006 "quit sending me those ramblings you call poetry -billy tickle" What the hell? I have no idea what he's talking about. Random, sarcastic, mean? Twisted Humor? One of those? All of those? None of those? I don't send him poetry, or even e-mail period! Whatever, I'm still brooding over it. He doesn't respond. It bothers me because we did critique each other's work a time or two, even though it's been over a year ago. I used to think he was jealous, of what I'm not sure, but maybe that's it.

Monday, July 24, 2006

Doting

Mike simply amazes me. He can be shown how to do something one time and become skilled at it. He has advanced so quickly in his career...his very unlikely career. With a degree in finance and a knack for investments, a construction career seemed so unbefitting...but that's where he's at. He works in the plants, toiling away, day after day in the unrelenting Louisiana heat. He comes home stinking and filthy, grinning from ear to ear, so ready to dish about the goings-on of his day. I love this guy. I love him, love him just LOVE him! He doesn't want to be a prisoner, trapped between four walls day after day, tied to a desk, pushing papers. I admire him. He did not follow the expected path laid out before him. I didn't understand at first, but now I see why. I respect his vision. Now we are dreaming and scheming together. So many plans, one step at a time.

I am learning to value the here and now with such ferocity...learning the art of balance and respecting that there is still so much to learn.

More importantly than anything, I am learning the things that really matter to me.

Monday, July 17, 2006

"Fallen Woman, Get Up"

Loathing, hating.
Complexly inferior...degraded.
Mazes, manic...making havoc.
Lying on our mats
balance...strength...PEACE
Clear your mind...not thinking
exhale as long as inhaling...breathing
counting...1...2...3...4
WAVES OF LIGHT
1...2...3...4
Darkness deepens...
Control freak...ignoranct bull.
A tower of waste.
Domineering...stupid wrath.
Karma-depleting vengeance.
Self-hatred projection...perhaps.
The pleading woman, shrinking.
I am back at 9 staring down
at the replacement mother.
A Native American from California.
She's begging and crying
for him to stop hitting.
WEAKLING...DISGRACE OF WOMAN, I want to kick her
the one crying submissive tears
holding onto invisible bars, so real to her.
I hug her in pity.

When it rains...it pours

I dreamed I drove off of a cliff last night. I was driving a dog to the top of a cliff, but realized it would get lost if I didn't walk it to where it needed to go, so I went to make a sudden stop in a parking spot at the edge of the cliff, but my tires caught gravel and I slid over the edge...over the trees. As I was falling, it was so realistic, was completely aware that this was it. I was going to die. I was frozen with fear, but strangely calm, knowing that I was completely helpless.

It seems symbolic now. People's lives that I care about are falling apart. I'm stuck in the middle, but helpless. Today has turned into a horrible day.

Fallen Woman, Get Up" another rambling I call poetry

Loathing, hating.
Complexly inferior...degraded.
Mazes, manic...making havoc.
Lying on our mats
balance...strength...PEACE
Clear your mind...not thinking
exhale as long as inhaling...breathing
counting...1...2...3...4
WAVES OF LIGHT
1...2...3...4
Darkness deepens...
Control freak...ignoranct bull.
A tower of waste.
Domineering...stupid wrath.
Karma-depleting vengeance.
Self-hatred projection...perhaps.
The pleading woman, shrinking.
I am back at 9 staring down
at the replacement mother.
A Native American from California.
She's begging and crying
for him to stop hitting.
WEAKLING...DISGRACE OF WOMAN, I want to kick her
the one crying submissive tears
holding onto invisible bars, so real to her.
I hug her in pity.

Tuesday, May 30, 2006

long weekends, bikes, thieves, and karma...mix and serve.

3-day weekends rock. Except, it makes you want a 4-day weekend, then that makes you want a 5-day one...we're never satisfied...

So, we may be buying a house. Putting down roots...it's nerve-racking and exhilerating (sp?) at the same time.

Oh, and we bought bikes, finally. We rode for hours and hours this weekend. I forgot what fun it was since my bike got STOLEN a couple of years back from LSU. I HATE THIEVES! I hope karma f****s them in the a**! I'm still bitter. I know, so unlady-like...whatever.

Monday, May 22, 2006

It's official and...I'm scarred for life.

We're ENGAGED!!!! I'll take a picture of the beautiful ring and post it for anyone that's interested in seeing! Now the wedding planning can officially begin! This is the real deal and I couldn't be more elated!!!

We went to Florida this weekend with my family and actually had a blast. Sunday, we were wrapping it up with some snorkeling on the bayside of Santa Rosa island. We snorkeled pretty far away from where we had set up camp. Mike proclaimed he'd seen all there was to see and got out and walked back. My brother and I wanted to stay longer (I wanted to show him some cool coral Mike had found the day before)...then we decided to go get my sister so she could see. Instead of swimming all the way back, we decided to follow Mike's lead and get out and walk back. I told Van to be careful not to touch the rocks because they were EXTREMELY sharp. Once he was safely out, I began my ascent. I was looking for a non-slimy rock to get a good footing, found it, pulled my other leg up and scraped it. It seemed fine. I took a few steps and looked down at the scrape. IT WAS HORRIBLE! I could see all that lovely meat under my skin with blood oozing out. I stayed calm and began walking very quickly to my family. The more steps I took, the fainter I felt. I collapsed on a bench and Dr. Mike fixed me up with some salt water rinse, baby wipes, and band-aids. Someone in the crowd had a 1/2 pain pill for me. We decided to wrap the trip up there and head home. I rode half way there in my wet bathing suit. Amazingly, I feel no pain. Of course, I'm still wearing the same bandages from yesterday. I'm too scared to take them off. My boss doesn't help today when he tells me that someone he knows had the same thing happen to them, but from barnacles on a boat and almost didn't survive due to some kind of viral or bacterial infection from the cut. Maybe I'll go to the Dr. Everyone says I definately need stitches anyway.

I had this feeling that someone would get hurt.

Lesson learned: swim to an exit that doesn't have rocks with sharp protruding seashells to get out of the water.

We had talked about getting tattoos, but couldn't find a place in Pensacola. Now I don't need one, I'm going to have an awesome-shaped scar for life-and it was completely free!!!

Friday, May 19, 2006

Can't sleep...

I hate when I'm wide awake this late...it cuts into my required 8 hours of sleep damnit! I don't think I'm overly excited about going to Florida w/ my family this weekend. It's funny...all of these years and we've never gone on a vacation together. We decided to make it our Mother's Day treat. It'll be Mike & I, My sister, niece & nephew, My mom & stepdad & my brother. Everyone is so down in the dumps. Ayeyaiyai! It's amazing the holes we can dig ourselves into and then forget that we dug the hole ourselves and turn around and believe someone else put us there and we're trapped and can't get out.

My neighbor's dog comes to mind. All of this time I thought they had a fence ALL the way around their house because their dog, Bentley, is always back there. I knew they had an electric fence, but I thought it was just for keeping him out of the flower beds. One day he gets loose and I ask Mike how he got out. Apparently, the driveway was wide open with only the electric fence as a barrier. Well, it just happened to go out for a little while and Bentley figured it out somehow. All that time, the only thing that stood between that poor pup and freedom was a small shock that probably wouldn't have hurt that bad or lasted that long. It's ironic when you compare that to people and their prisons they lock themselves into. I mean, that we lock ourselves into. We're too afraid to experience some short term pain...even if it brings long-term benefits.

Wednesday, May 17, 2006

Trauma_Heals

It has significant meaning to me...but I imagine some who don't know me well may think it's a little morbid...It reminds me, however, that the suffering we endure makes us stronger when we learn from it. I embrace my past now. I realize that it was necessary. I'm much more spiritual because of it. I think that we all need shocks to our systems to remind us of what's important in this life. It's so easy to get caught up in trivial things and matters that really don't matter at all. Comfort zones are really really bad things. I challenge everyone to do something to break out of one of theirs and see what kind of new experiences you can have. Let me know how it turns out if you want.

Thursday, May 11, 2006

Note to self

Stifled creativity

Wisdom in retrospect

Pessimistic complacence

Biding my time

Waiting...waiting

Something's coming

Thursday, May 04, 2006

I can't believe I still dream about it

The child that never was. I don't think about it, but something in my mind does. It's there, submerged in a hidden place that can only be found in my dreams. The child reminding me that it wanted to be mine. In the dream I am running for the plane before it leaves for Kuwait. My clothes are falling off. I am jumping over falling trees. Climbing endless ladders that break away and fall with me still clinging. I frantically search the plane for my child. I find her in a hidden room. I am in my underwear. I see people on the plane that I know, but ignore them. I don't feel like explaining myself. I beg my parents to take the child. They look on, detached and indifferent. They are empty shells. I have nothing. I can't care for this child with ice cold feet. I have no socks for it. I listen to myself talking calling it "it" and remind myself it is a "she". Or is it a "he"? I don't care, because it is safe with me now. I will not torture myself for the rest of my life, worrying about my child's future. I wake up, realizing I already took the future away.

This time I only shed a single tear, but my heart is breaking.

Thursday, April 20, 2006

They want me to talk to a reporter

I got an interesting call yesterday on my cell right as I was leaving work...this guy Ben from the Katrina Accountability Project. He says I wrote a moving statement on a petition that I had signed once about not being able to attend college without financial aid. After he jogged my memory, he proceeded to ask me if I'd be willing to talk to a reporter. Apparently they are going after Richard Baker, a Louisiana Congressman who was all about raising interest rates on college loans and decreasing financial aid...not cool. Ironically, it was this congressman that helped me out once when I was in a bind!!! When I got injured at Officer Candidate School in Quantico, my Officer Selection Officer's Office (I know, I know) was dragging ass in getting me medical help and disability pay right after I returned home. Baker's office called who needed to be called in D.C. and got shit taken care of! That was him helping me out at a personal level, but I don't really know much about him at a political level...just that he's Republican...and I am SO NOT! Now I've got to look into this further...it's about principle. I told the guy to send me more info. and I'd talk to a reporter, but I wanted to know more first.

Thursday, April 06, 2006

Soooooooooo sick!

I watched my niece and nephew on Saturday and they were both sick. I was fine Sunday, but woke up with a sore throat on Monday. By lunchtime at work I felt the fever hit me like a ton of bricks. My boss told me to go home and take my temperature and to stay there if I was running a fever. I was. I tried to call in yesterday morning and noone was there!. I'm like, "what the hell" so I threw some clothes on and went in. About half an hour later my boss comes in and says oh, you can go home, I had the phones forwarded to Shreveport and Aubrey is coming in at 9. It would've been nice to be in the loop. Well, It's even worse today. I'm at a 101 degree fever and I feel YUCKY! Everything looks kindof distorted...I can barely make out the screen.

I woke up on the hour every hour all night. Maybe it's strep throat. Mike's taking off early to take me to the Dr. He's so sweet.

If this illness has me feeling this terrible. I can only imagine how bad my little niece and nephew must've been feeling!

LISTEN to the doctor Christine!

Well, yesterday, when I went to the doctor I found out that it's not strep throat, it's the flu. YUCKY! By the time I got home and took this awful medicine he prescribed I was at 102.9 degrees. He failed to tell me what the medicine would do to me! I kept wondering why he was pushing me to get this medicine for nausea and vomiting...I figured it out after I had taken the Tamiflu. I read the instructions and it said, "may cause naseau or vomiting". Why the hell didn't he just tell me that in the first place?! I had taken the syrup that is supposed to prevent it, but apparently it didn't work. That and the fact that I hadn't eaten anything in the past few days. I couldn't even sip beef broth through a straw because my throat hurt so bad! Well, needless to say, it all came up. I was ready to call the doctor and give him a piece of my mind!!! Instead, I couldn't move a muscle!

I woke up this morning drenched in sweat. I couldn't believe it! I slept all night last night and I felt so much better. Well, it still hurts to swallow. I took my temp. again. 99.6 degrees. I was thinking, man, I could probably go to work! Then I remembered what the doctor said, NOT TO! Well, I thought, I'll just leave it up to my boss. So I called his cell and told him how I was feeling and my temp. and he said "I know you're ready to get back to work, but I'd rather you wait til you had no fever at all" Damnit! I'm out of sick days already so I'm not getting paid anything for this week, which totally sucks. I decided to go out and weed my garden for a little while. I came back in and checked my temp. to see if i can get ready for work and, damnit, it's up to 101 freaking degrees!!! AAAAaaaaaarrrrrgggghhh!

A quickie poem

I see the images swirling
Flaunting themselves in my head
Millions of letters coming together
Forming and unforming
Words to be said.
I try to reach out
And grab them for sense.
At that moment they simply vanish.
With pen in hand,
I try to conjure them back
They taunt me and tease me
they swarm and slither
when I think I've won,
they POOF and disappear.

Monday, March 27, 2006

Who needs television with dreams like these?!

Looking back through my journal, I came across the following dream and I'm amazed at how many things jump out at me, screaming with meaning, all these years later.

Saturday, September 15, 2001

Well, it's been 4 days since the 4 planes crashed into the world trade center towers, one in the Pentagon and one in a remote part of Pennsylvania. Every night since that has happened, I've had nothing but nightmares. The one I had last nigh is still so clear in my head:
I went to this old house that used to belong to me. Where dirt used to be there was now a parking lot. In the dream I remembered how I had always been meaning to put one in, but never did. There were people in the house. This girl, Alicia, I had met in Junior High School, Randy, one of Shaun's friends, and my sister's best friend, Tasha. They were cooking pizza on the stove in a frying pan. There were kids running around outside so I went out and sat on the porch. There were about five of them all sitting beside me, one on my lap and they were all asking me questions. There was then a clear river that ran in front of the house. Across the river was a thick jungle. People were now coming to the river from the other side getting ready for the marathon. I remember explaining to the kids that the marathon would last days, weeks, even months and that whoever was in first place today wouldn't necessarily be in first place tomorrow and the person who was in last place today could be the one who won the whole marathon. But just before everyone was about to take off swimming in the river, I saw a black and white cow lying at the bottom dead. Then, I looked further down, and saw another, smaller black and white cow, also dead. I was afraid that the water could be deadly and I didn't know what to do to get everyone our! I asked someone next to me if the dead cows were tainting the water and if it would harm anyone and they just shrugged their shoulders. Then, in the dream, I remembered swimming in the water with the kids and had swallowed mouthfuls of the water. Then I was afraid it would do something to me. Then I remembered crossing the water and seeing Scott with 3 girls. They were on a hiking trip. He acted like he didn't' want me to come with them, but I followed anyway. I remember crawling under this large branch of a tree behind them, but it was crawling with white things. It took me a while to figure out that they were maggots and flies were all around. Then the dream flashed to me being in the city, like New York or somewhere. And all of these little boys had stacks of clothes lined up in neat rows down the streets, like they were preparing to go to war. Then, there were clothes everywhere all over the place and me and other people were putting them in trash bags.
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