Uninspired

Ideas roll around in my head all of the time, but nothing ever seems to come of them. I guess I'm just not a follow-through kind of person. Well, don't get me wrong, I usually take the first steps, but I never end up finishing what I start. The list is endless...relationships, jobs, majors, business ideas, to name a few. I'd always find fault with my venture (or person). It was always something other than myself that was the problem, or so I thought for the longest time. One day, while working at a casino, I was having a conversation with an older co-worker. We were talking about relationships & I was complaining about the defects of each of the guys & how it was always their fault...it was something they did...that caused me to have to end the relationship. He looked at me and very pointedly asked me, "Did you ever think that maybe you were the problem?" Well, of course not. I couldn't admit to him at the time that he probably had a small point. Don't we all look for reasons outside of ourselves for our bad luck? Either they guy was too flirty, too controlling, too insecure, too arrogant, wasn't over an ex, placed me too high up on a pedestal, seemed more gay than straight, was too macho, was too boring or too social. There was just always SOMETHING wrong with him. I was in back to back relationships. When I wasn't in a relationship I was dating a handful of guys at a time. I was never just alone. I never stopped to figure out who I really was & what I really wanted out of life. I was constantly on the go. I was zooming to some end goal, just unsure of what it was exactly. I spent eight years living the lifestyle of a college student. I switched schools almost as often as I switched addresses, every year or so. I eventually ended up with a degree. That was the only thing I could see that I was aiming to get towards. I had no clue what I wanted to DO with the degree. It didn't even matter what it was in either...as long as it was a degree in something. When I decided that I wanted to quit changing my mind and just get out of school already, it happened to be during the 2004 presidential elections. I immersed myself in the politics of the time & chose Political Science as my major. I thought, perhaps, I'd go to law school or something. I got the degree & got a job working for an attorney. I hated it. I detested it. I was bored out of my mind. I got depressed. I gained weight. I lost my ambition.

Now I'm married with a 7-month old boy. I'm lucky to be able to stay home with him while my husband supports us. I took that co-workers words to heart when it came to relationships. I decided to look inward...to see what it was that made me happy or unhappy. Each of the guys I dated represented a part of me at the time. If I was feeling serious, I dated someone serious. If I was feeling reckless, I dated someone reckless. But it occurred to me that the thing that I didn't like about each one of them was something that I really didn't like about myself. I was projecting (as Psychology calls it) my faults onto these guys. I read something once that has also impacted me immensely. I don't know where I saw it or who said it, but it is profound: "When you choose something, choose it with your whole heart." That is what I did when I met my husband. It's amazing what happens when you decide to go after what you want & then to want what you have. I feel complete in my family life now. I'm so proud of my husband and my beautiful son. I feel accomplished in having attained a college degree. Now I am trying to find out what I want to do with the rest of my life. It seems to change with whatever way the wind blows. I just want to feel committed to what it is I choose. I want it to matter in the world. I want to make a difference in the lives of others. I want to be part of the greater good.

As I was sitting in my sons playroom reading a book to him the other day, I was reminded of my desire to teach. I used to take home leftover worksheets from school & use them to teach my dolls. I played school with my friends. I hated the summers because I missed school so much. My mom told me I used to be up & dressed before she was ever out of bed ready to go. I loved learning. I worked for two semesters in college as an Americorps volunteer. It was a program called JumpStart where you worked with four-year-olds to teach them how to read. I spent time volunteering in the classroom. I loved their eagerness & enthusiasm for learning. I convinced myself, though, that I didn't want to be a babysitter as a career. I don't see it like that now. I'm slowly becoming convinced that teaching children is what I need to do. I need to choose it with my whole heart. This notion is slowly stirring up an inspiration & ambition inside of me that I had lost. I hope this is it.