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Thursday, April 19, 2007

She passed away last night




My Grandmother passed away at 10:24 p.m. last night. She's had Alzheimer's for the last 4 or so years. The family had gathered together to go see her yesterday, but I didn't go. I have mourned for her the last few years & wondered why she kept hanging on. I've visited her regularly, even when noone else would. I feel that she is finally free...she's been locked inside her mind and her ailing body for too long. Every once in a while I'd see her reaching out for something in front of her. I'd ask what she was reaching for, but she'd just keep reaching. I asked her what she saw & she said "a mountain". I think she's been journeying in her mind to reach the top of this mountain & she finally reached it last night. I am at peace because I think she is now at peace. I miss her so much. She used to call me and stick the phone to the radio & make me listen to Michael Bolton. She always said that I reminded her so much of herself. To me, it was such a compliment because she was so beautiful & lady-like. I loved her long blonde hair that she swept on top of her head & her glittering blue eyes. Even while her body shriveled away, her eyes would still twinkle & she still giggled. She thought everything was hilarious, even while she lay there bedridden & condemned. Now I'm 3 months pregnant & I feel sad that she'll never get to see her first grandchild from me, but I understand that it was just her time.

Tuesday, April 10, 2007

Second Doctor's Visit

I had my 2nd doctor's visit yesterday. I'm 11 weeks & 2 days!!! I heard the baby's heartbeat (sooo fast) & even some little kicks! I've been sick pretty much every day...hopefully that will pass soon! I even dreamt last night of a little baby. I had forgotten about it & I walked into a room & saw it laying on the bed. I was thinking, "Oh No! I bet it's hungry..." so I breast-fed it. Then I thought, "Oh NO! I bet it needs a new diaper..." then changed it. The baby just nodded & smiled sososo gratefully. YIKES!

Thursday, April 05, 2007

Excitement & Nervousness

Nothing makes me happier than planning a camping trip!!! Mike's off tomorrow so we are going to Kisatchie again! This time we have a canoe so it should be awesome...sleeping on the hard ground, fishing, hiking, campfires...nothing tops that!

Monday, April 02, 2007

"The Poets are Silent" by Michael Denton

The Poets Are Silent

There's another poem.
Flowery and beautiful
Of great things it speaks
Of Love & Mercy & God

Rosy pictures of the world
They give. There's no pain,
Not really they say.
If you try hard enough.

Maybe they're just better than me
In love and in contemplating
The glorious divine. But to me
It seems to be only sap & crap

Why do these poets not sing
Of the realities of life?
Do they not see God in those too?
Why this disconnect?

I read of the Eucharist
But not of life as a race
Grime & grit & metal
Thundering towards victory or wrecks

I read of the struggle of faith
But not of war. Blades and
Bullets amidst Blood and bodies.
And a rosary battered and bruised.

I read of love but not of the widower
Sitting in a chair weeping
Because his life has been torn
& his faith shown a stack of cards

I read of childlike joy
But not of the child on Easter morn
Who comes to the sudden realization
That his father is truly dead.

I read of Mary's joy
At the angel's words
But why not Joseph's terror
At exile and uncertainty?

Are these not equally worthy
Of verse and song?
Are the poets insufficient
Or simply indifferent?

Your sickly sweet words
Are fine for the satisfied choir
But for the thirsting man
They are only dust

Leave your coffee steaming
Leave your laptops humming
Leave your protective safety or
Leave us alone

Humble yourselves among suffering
Perhaps suffer yourselves sometimes.
Did not Christ come among the people
And share in their blood and pain?

Oh Muse, speak to us
Of overwhelming grief
Of noble defeat and death
And the divinity within.

Achilles Dream

Last night I dreamt I was living in a high-rise apartment building with a space-age futuristic feel to it. I had to climb extremely high stairs to reach my floor & often times had to risk my life to climb up weird unsafe ladders just to get home. I had a couple of male roommates & was trying to get into an extremely prestigous school. One day a spot appeared on my wall. It looked like water damage. Over time, it began to take the shape of a face. As more time passed, the face began to protrude. The first time I saw it fully protruded I was so alarmed that I took a hammer & tried to pound it back into place. Eventually, it popped back out & began to take a human appearance & began to talk to me. It would ask for things to drink. I gave him milk & found that the milk was spoiled*. Then saw spoiled jugs of milk hidden throughout my apartment & even outside. I came to find out that that the face was Achilles. I apologized over & over for pounding his face with a hammer. I told him that he was a legend (he was known for being a Trojan war hero who was invulnerable except for his heel). I informed him that the Achille's Heel* was named after him (An Achilles' heel is a fatal weakness in spite of overall strength, actually or potentially leading to downfall.) He found this very interesting. After many conversations & a lot more energy gained through the food & drink I provided him, he formed a body & stepped out of the wall. He very much resembled the late Saddam Hussein. The dream cut off abruptly after he stepped out of the wall.

Note: We usually drink Kleinpeter milk, but mike bought Foremost milk on Saturday & it had a weird taste to it...maybe that crept into my dream somehow.

What could it mean?

*Achilles Heel

The name Achilles' heel comes from Greek mythology. His mother, the goddess Thetis, received a prophecy of her son's death. In order to protect him, she dipped him into the River Styx, which protected his entire body from harm. However, in order to dip him into the river, she needed to grab onto his heel. During the Trojan War Achilles was struck on his unprotected heel by a poisoned arrow, which killed him.

*Spoiled Milk Process

When raw milk is left standing for a while, it turns "sour". This is the result of fermentation: lactic acid bacteria turning the sugar inside the milk into lactic acid. This fermentation process is exploited in the production of various dairy products such as cheese and yogurt. There are four noted periods of milk decay:

Rancid (also called "on the turn". Milk is still consumable at this stage)
Curdling (separation of curd and whey will occur but may still be consumable)
Coagulation (beyond use. A period of aromatic decay sets in accompanied by mould)
Dry (beyond use. The milk has dehydrated and become hard and chalky)
Pasteurized cow's milk, on the other hand, spoils in a way that makes it unsuitable for consumption. This causes it to assume an unpleasant odor and pose a high danger of food poisoning if ingested. In raw milk, the naturally-occurring lactic acid bacteria, under suitable conditions, quickly produce large amounts of lactic acid. The ensuing acidity in turn prevents other germs from growing, or slows their growth significantly. Through pasteurization, however, these lactic acid bacteria are mostly destroyed, which means that other germs can grow unfettered and thus cause decomposition.
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