HAPPINESS and stuff

How the hell do you work an iPod??? Mike got me the Nano one for my birthday. I went to the gym yesterday and sat in the locker room FOREVER trying to figure out how to turn the volume up! When I had downloaded music from my iTunes, I let the little thing pick the songs for me...I'm huffing and puffing to Nine Inch Nails when all of these OLDIES start popping up. WTF? I forgot I had uploaded some of my grandmother's cds on my computer...oh well!

NEWSFLASH:

We are leaving for my cousins in Florida today or tomorrow! I FINALLY get to go to DISNEYWORLD!!! WOOHOO! Mike had promised to take me last year for my birthday and KATRINA (that bitch) ruined my plans! So I get to see my COUSIN and go to DISNEY! Double-whammy! Oh! AND THE LEAK IN MY CEILING IS FINALLY FIXED! My "planning your wedding class" was cancelled due to low enrollment (bitches) BUT my work is sending me to Baton Rouge Community College to prepare for the Notary Exam. Cool.

I can't get that song out of my head..."I'm going to Disneyland" (and I can't find the stupid lyrics or I'd definitely post them).

Happenings and Remembrances

One year ago today...I watched the news like an eagle...tracking Katrina until the power went out. We wanted to see it up close and personal so we went to the levy and saw short little Anderson Cooper and his CNN crew. They interviewed us and I ripped my favorite pants hopping the fence to leave...got home and the roof was leaking...we climbed up in the attic to investigate, next thing I knew my leg had gone through the ceiling...there's still a "patch" there today where we never fully repaired it and the roof still leaks.

This weekend was cool. Saw my grandparents. Rode on the golf cart...A LOT. It's amazing how FUN those things can be. It was good "family" time. We camped out in grandpa's back yard with a huge campfire. I awoke to Woody Woodpecker pecking away above my head on one of grandpa's 20-foot pines. I never saw the long-anticipated Ivory Bill I hoped for. I think it was probably the Pilleated one anyway...what would be the odds...you know?

Going to Texas

It's official. We are taking another trip to Texas to visit my grandparents. My step-grandmother is very sick and I'm afraid that she won't be around very much longer. She has Emphysema (I'm sure it's spelled some other way) and my grandfather has colon cancer. He decided to stop getting treatment and to let it take its course. It's all so very sad. We take our family for granted...it's hard to imagine life without the people who passed their genes to you. I was thinking that I want to order a couple of those DNA kits and swab my grandma and grandpa while they are still breathing. I want to capture what I can to discover where we came from. When I dated my two Arabic boyfriends, I was so impressed with how well their families were documented. They had so much pride in knowing where they came from. I was a "bastard" child. I never met my father and my mom was mostly absent, if not physically then emotionally and mentally. She's trapped inside her own head therefore cutting her children off from the family they could have known. I have cousins, aunts, uncles on my mother's side that I don't know. It's a crying shame. I want my children to know their family. It's hard if I don't know them first! Everyone is so distant. We don't have family reunions. If we did, I have never heard of them. I hear years later that so and so got married...never got an invitation. I hate it. It's like being an orphan really. I wish I could meet my dad's side to see if they are different...but they never wanted me in the first place. According to my mom, his parents picked up and moved away to protect him...from what? From his responsibilities from fathering a child. I think that he was convinced I wasn't his. He's probably living his life guilt-free. I really want him to know me...all that I've suffered through without a proper father. If I don't find him in this life, I'll just have to haunt him (hehehe).

Anyway...yup, going to Texas this weekend with my sweetheart, my sis and her sweetie and her two devil children, my brother, maybe my mom and "stepdad". What fun it will be. We will be camping by the lake...ok, the ones of us who aren't pansies, the others will be staying with my grandparents. I'm going to investigate this woodpecker...could it be an Ivory Bill...we shall see, I'll have my cameras aimed and ready to document!!!

Wrecks and dreams

Wrecks and dreams
I dreamed about eyelashes last night. I was at some type of spa and they were asking me what color I wanted, brown or black. I asked what would look best on me. They had all this fake hair that they were going to make into eyelashes. There was some very stark white blonde girl...they said she's getting brown and y'all have a similar coloring...I thought they were nuts...I said "give me black".

There is always some type of war going on in my dreams. They are always tumultuous, lots of action and excitement...and usually pretty scary for "normal" people. There was a giant gorilla sleeping. He was huge...now that I think about it, he could be King Kong (and no, I haven't seen that since I was a kid). We were driving in Mike's new Radiant Red Tacoma...trying not to wake him...Mike slams the gas so hard and the truck begins to flip...gorilla dude is running after us like on Jurassic Park...the truck flipped over and I was scared he was going to try to grab us off of the grounds so I summoned all of my power and picked the truck up over my head and hurled it at him and we took off running. Whew!

On another note:

Mike was rear-ended yesterday. The guy hit him and then went around him and took off! Mike took off after the guy, followed by one of his co-workers who had been behind the truck-hitter guy. They chased him down and cornered his car with the police on the way. I told him not to and made him promise that he'd let the police handle it. Of course he didn't listen because he didn't want the guy to get away. It turns out the guy had a previous hit and run and was on parole. He didn't have a license but he did have insurance. Oh and Mike nailed his self to a board yesterday too. I thought it was just a small wound where he got poked by a nail, but no, the nail when into the palm of his hand and came out of the other side (think shish-kabob)....then two guys at his work got struck by lightening...

Is there a full moon out or something?

Weekend Stuff

This weekend had so much packed into...just need to sort it out...

Babysat Saturday...took them to Bluebonnet Swamp. Very cool. Saw baby alligators, snakes, turtles, igaunas, lizards, snakes AGAIN, a tarantula, SPIDERS, and more SNAKES. Then had a poolside cook-out at my sister's new place. Kinda fun...got intoxicated among other things and went home and Mike and I cleaned out the garage...got rid of some major JUNK. This weekend was all about getting rid of baggage and only keeping what's important!

Sunday we did lots of yard work and put a deposit down on a parrot, yes, a PARROT. Poor baby. It's at Petland (you can go look, but don't touch!). It slapped me in the face with it's wing when I tried to hold it and then flew to the floor. It'll love me, I know it will. I have a sense about these thingies!

I did lots of wedding planning stuff. I think I'll have my dress MADE. I don't want your typical conventional dress. I'm special and I need a special dress damnit!

Supporting the bereaved

From the Tibetan Book of the Dead
Category: Religion and Philosophy


Adapted from The Tibetan Book of Living and Dying

Among Tibetans, whenever someone dies it's natural for their relatives and friends to gather round, and everyone always finds some way or another to give a helping hand. The whole community provides strong spiritual, emotional, and practical support, and the dead person's family is never left feeling helpless or at a loss or wondering what they can do. Everyone in Tibetan society knows that as much as possible is being done for the dead person, and that knowledge empowers those who are left behind to endure, accept, and survive the death of their loved ones.

How different it is now in modern society, where such community support has been almost entirely lost! I often think how such support could save the grief of bereavement from being prolonged and needlessly difficult, as it so often is.
Overcoming feelings of helplessness

My students who work as bereavement counselors in hospices have told me that one of the severest sources of anguish for a bereaved person is the belief that neither they nor anyone else can do anything for their loved one who has died. But there is a great deal that anyone can do to help the dead.

One way of comforting the bereaved is to encourage them to do something for their loved ones who have died: by living even more intensely on their behalf after they have gone, by practicing for them, and so giving their death a deeper meaning. In Tibet relatives may even go on a pilgrimage for the dead person, and at special moments and at holy places they will think of their dead loved ones and practice for them. The Tibetans never forget the dead: They will make offerings at shrines on their behalf; at great prayer meetings they will sponsor prayers in their name; they will keep making donations, for them, to spiritual projects; and whenever they meet masters they will request special prayers for them. The greatest consolation for a Tibetan would be to know that a master was doing practice for their dead relative.

Don't let us half die with our loved ones, then; let us try to live, after they have gone, with greater fervor. Let us try, at least, to fulfill the dead person's wishes or aspirations in some way, for instance by giving some of his belongings to charity, or sponsoring in her name a project she held particularly dear.

Tibetans often write letters of condolence to friends who are bereaved. If our friend has lost a child or someone close to them who seemed too young to die so soon, we tell them:

Now your little boy has died, and it seems as if your whole world has been shattered. It seems, I know, so cruel and illogical. I cannot explain your son's death, but I do know that it must be the natural result of his karma, and I believe and know that his death must have purified some karmic debt that you and I cannot know about. Your grief is my grief. But take heart because now you and I can help him, through our practice and our good actions and our love; we can take his hand and walk by his side, even now, even when he's dead, and help him to find a new birth and a longer life next time.

In our world, however, where we do not know that it is even possible to help the dead, and where we have not faced the fact of death at all, such a serene and wise reflection cannot be easy. A person who is going through bereavement for the first time may simply be shattered by the array of disturbing feelings, of intense sadness, anger, denial, withdrawal, and guilt that they suddenly find are playing havoc inside them. Helping those who have just gone through the loss of someone close to them will call for all your patience and sensitivity.
Keep in touch

You will need to spend time with them and to let them talk, to listen silently without judgment as they recall their most private memories, or go over again and again the details of the death. Above all, you will need simply to be there with them as they experience what is probably the fiercest sadness and pain of their entire lives. Make sure you make yourself available to them at all times, even when they don't seem to need it. Carol, a widow, was interviewed for a video series on death one year after her husband had died. "When you look back on the last year," she was asked, "who would you say had helped you the most?" She said: "The people who kept calling and coming by, even though I said 'no'."
Understanding the process of mourning

People who are grieving go through a kind of death. Just like a person who is actually dying, they need to know that the disturbing emotions they are feeling are natural. They need to know too that the process of mourning is a long and often tortuous one, where grief returns again and again in cycles. Their shock and numbness and disbelief will fade, and will be replaced by a deep and at times desperate awareness of the immensity of their loss, which itself will settle eventually into a state of recovery and balance. Tell them that this is a pattern that will repeat itself over and over again, month after month, and that all their unbearable feelings and fears, of being unable to function as a human being any more, are normal. Tell them that although it may take one year or two, their grief will definitely reach an end and be transformed into acceptance.

As Judy Tatelbaum says:

Grief is a wound that needs attention in order to heal. To work through and complete grief means to face our feelings openly and honestly, to express and release our feelings fully and to tolerate and accept our feelings for however long it takes for the wound to heal. We fear that once acknowledged grief will bowl us over. The truth is that grief experienced does dissolve. Grief unexpressed is grief that lasts indefinitely.

But so often, tragically, friends and family of the bereaved person expect them to be "back to normal" after a few months. This only intensifies their bewilderment and isolation as their grief continues, and sometimes even deepens.

In Tibet, as I've said, the whole community, friends and relatives, would take part during the forty-nine days after the death, and everyone was fully occupied in the activity of the spiritual help being given to the dead person, with all the hundred things there were to do. The bereaved would grieve, and they would cry a little, as is only natural, and then when everyone had left, the house would look empty. Yet in so many subtle, heartwarming ways, the bustle and support of those forty-nine days had helped them through a great part of their mourning.
Completing the relationship and letting go

Facing loss alone in our society is very different. And all the usual feelings of grief are magnified intensely in the case of a sudden death, or a suicide. It reinforces the sense that the bereaved is powerless in any way to help their loved one who is gone. It is very important for survivors of sudden death to go and see the body, otherwise it can be difficult to realize that death has actually happened. If possible, people should sit quietly by the body, to say what they need to, express their love, and start to say goodbye.

If this is not possible, bring out a photo of the person who has just died and begin the process of saying goodbye, completing the relationship, and letting go. Encourage those who have suffered the sudden death of a loved one to do this, and it will help them to accept the new, searing reality of death. Tell them too of ways of helping a dead person, simple ways they too can use, instead of sitting hopelessly going over again and again the moment of death in silent frustration and self-recrimination.

In the case of a sudden death, the survivors may often experience wild and unfamiliar feelings of anger at what they see as the cause of the death. Help them express that anger, because if it is held inside, sooner or later it will plunge them into a chronic depression. Help them to let go of the anger and uncover the depths of pain that hide behind it. Then they can begin the painful but ultimately healing task of letting go.

It happens often too that someone is left after the death of a loved one feeling intense guilt, obsessively reviewing mistakes in the past relationship, or torturing themselves about what they might have done to prevent the death. Help them to talk about their feelings of guilt, however irrational and crazy they may seem. Slowly these feelings will diminish, and they will come to forgive themselves and go on with their lives.

Copyright 1992-2006 Spiritual Care Program, C. Longaker, and Rigpa Fellowship

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An Overview of World Beliefs
Much of what we know and perceive about death and dying comes from our religious background. In fact, our attitudes about death are deeply connected with our views on religion. Whether or not we believe in a God or gods shapes how we view the afterlife or lack thereof. Our fear of death can either be compounded or eased by our religious outlook. If you believe in an angry God that punishes us for all trespasses, then death can be frightening. Believing that we all go to a better place after death, regardless of behavior, can cause apathy towards death.

There seems to be a sharp rift between Eastern and Western cultural views on Death. Mainly in the beliefs in and about "salvation", reincarnation, and the afterlife. Beyond this, big differences in attitude can exist within sects or branches of the same religious tree - causing more confusion.

Eastern religions such as Buddhism and Hinduism believe in a progression of the soul after death. The accumulation of bad or good karma affects your rebirth into either a favorable or unfavorable situation, with the ultimate goal being Nirvana or enlightenment. No state is eternal except that of Nirvana; so if you do end up in a bad place you will eventually burn off the bad karma and progress.

Western religions tend to look at this life as a one chance shot at proving yourself, with the end result being an eternity in either heaven or hell. Catholics believe in an intermediate state called Purgatory where those who aren't saved but not bad enough for hell work their way up. This is actually similar to the Buddhist idea of "burning off bad karma". Jewish beliefs vary but most often do not include the typical Christian idea of an inescapable hell. Jews see hell more as a separation from God than an actual place full of fire and brimstone. Likewise, heaven may be viewed as a joining to God's light or spirit and not necessarily a physical place with streets of gold.

Explore how the different world religions view death and the afterlife and make an informed personal decision with the help of these great sites: [link url=http://dying.about.com/cs/religiousviews/index.htm]Religious Views on Death

Judgment Day: Buried in Debt

As I am entering our clients' debts into our software program, I can't help but become overwhelmed with the enormity of their burdens. It's amazing how buried someone can become in debt. Some of these people are very old with no health insurance. They have so many medical bills that I'm sure it can't be healthy for them to shoulder! When I am sitting with them going over everything, I feel as if it's Judgment Day and I am reading their sins out loud to them. I feel some of their shame, some though, frankly don't give a damn. As soon as they are discharged they will go right back to racking up debt and become burdens of the economy once again.

I HATE THIS JOB.

Mumblings

Numb
Cant circulate,
Except for this aching sensation,
A ball of ouch
Moving from core to limb.
STOP FEELING.

I see their appraisals
Or is it a reflection
A self-projection.
Spinning, I turn on my heal
dont need this, dont need them (can't get away from myself)
That's Mizzzzzz Expert Brick Mason.
BUILD YOU OUT.


No internal boundaries
Say too much
Think too much.
(you don't care)
Repressing, possessing.
Holding the jailors keys
In my own hand
Cant find the lock to open.
FIND IT YOURSELF

AWKWARD.
Floating in this skin
Who is this person around me?
I have to be on her team again?
Man. That sucks.
I always get the shaft.
Stuck with myself.
HATE YOU ALL.

Warped mind
or cursed clarity.
Love-monger
Heart-throbber.
Paying pennance.
Showing responsibility.
LOVE HURTS

Still searching.
In everyone and no one.
Stupid dreamer.
Soulmate.
Isolated and diminished.
You PROMISED.

Dependent whore.
Afraid.
Afraid of everything.
Betrayed, Betrayed, Betrayed.
Abandoned yet not alone.
No hope and no home.
Reasoning into insanity.
SOMETHINGS MISSING.

Waiting.

WEIRD BARRIERS.

I always walk away.
Don't want ANY of you.

Death

Just heard the news that Daniel, my former co-worker, was killed last night. I haven't seen him in a long time. I've heard through myspace that he's engaged to another one of my former co-workers. Both great people. There were a lot of great people there. I really miss everyone. Lots of potential life-long friends. Now one of them has passed on. It's an in-your-face reminder that life is impermanent. We should all remember that all we take for granted will no doubt be gone one day, at any moment. Also, everyone in our lives will be gone sooner or later. This strengthens my belief in Buddhist principles. Non-attachment. We are not supposed to get ATTACHED to anything or anyone, but that doesn't mean we can't still be loving and put our loved ones before ourselves. When someone's life is extinguished it's like a limb being ripped off of those who were a part of his life's fabric. We don't know how to cope with these things. When Dan died, I was delusional. I have seen this over and over again with other people who lose those closest to them. You don't want to go to sleep because you know that when you wake up, you are waking up to a world without that person in it. You must face each day without that person. It's similar to breaking up, but much much worse because you know that person won't wake up or sleep again. This forces our eyes to look beyond this life and to try to fathom the soul's journey. Where IS he? Where did he GO? There is no more helpless feeling in the entire world. We can't bring them back. All we can do is cope. We have to reach out to all of the other people in our lives. When we lose someone, we no longer care about our basic needs. How can we possibly eat, or sleep, or go on with day-to-day activities when he's DEAD! The people around us who weren't as close to our lost loved one try with the best of intentions to make us feel better. "He's in a better place now" "He can't hurt" "He'll watch over you" BLAH! BLAH! BLAH! This does nothing to console us! I started researching everything I could get my hands on to find out about what happens to someone when they die. Christian explanations did NOTHING! These things I was taught my entire life did not provide a logical explanation that satisfied me. I wanted to know step by step what he was experiencing and when. I saw him everywhere in my waking life. He was a ghost, but just like a real solid person standing there in front of me. He always had a death expression on his face. He came to all of us in a final dream, though, to say goodbye. All of his friends and family that I spoke to had a similar dream. I asked "Will I ever see you again" and he said "Maybe, we'll see" Even that, though, didn't satisfy me. I begged God "God, if you really exist then why the hell would you try to make me believe in bullshit and fantasies. I need somehting REAL, somehting TANGIBLE. I need PROOF that his soul is still out there, that it still EXISTS and didn't simply vanish for all of eternity. Just then, A star streaked the sky in front of me. I was baffled. I had never actually seen a falling star. Two days before he died, Dan had tried to show me a falling star, but I always was just a second too late. I told him I had NEVER seen one, he couldn't believe it because he saw them all the time. I felt like this was my proof. There is a God and Dan was existing SOMEWHERE. That was all they could give me, and I had to deal with it. I have slowly recovered. If you know someone who has lost someone dear to them, know that, honestly, they will be grieving for years. It takes that long for them to pick up and accept that the person will not be coming back. Life does go on for the living and we have no choice but to make the best of it.

Do not go gentle into the night...

Me~I choose silence at the chance of sounding crazy. Explosions within maim me. I want to RAGE into the night.

Dylan Thomas~
"DO NOT GO GENTLE INTO THAT GOOD NIGHT"

Do not go gentle into that good night,
Old age should burn and rave at close of day;
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

Though wise men at their end know dark is right,
Because their words had forked no lightning they
Do not go gentle into that good night.

Good men, the last wave by, crying how bright
Their frail deeds might have danced in a green bay,
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

Wild men who caught and sang the sun in flight,
And learn, too late, they grieved it on its way,
Do not go gentle into that good night.

Grave men, near death, who see with blinding sight
Blind eyes could blaze like meteors and be gay,
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

And you, my father, there on the sad height,
Curse, bless me now with your fierce tears, I pray.
Do not go gentle into that good night.
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

Our clients!

We should not assume that we all are alike and perceive the same and know the same, although it's so hard to not think that way.

The people that come into our office drive me crazy because of their lack of knowledge, laziness, ignorance. I have to remind myself that "how can they know what they've never been taught?" I try to simplify. I break things down to their most basic parts. When they don't GET IT I get furious! I want to BEAT sense into them TO MAKE THEM WANT TO TAKE CARE OF THEIR LIVES. I can't lump them all into one category. There are the ones who truly had setbacks and are now trying to get on their feet. There are those who have been wronged and left hanging with five childrena and mountains of debt with nowhere to go. Then their are the menaces of society, the deadbeats, the ones who I wish would just fall off the face of the earth. They are the ones who give welfare a bad rap. The white and black trash, they are filth. If I had my own law practice, I wouldn't even take their money!

Kabbalah Thought of the Week

We all exist in one perfect state, but do not feel so. Our sensations are unimproved and distorted; according to them, our state is imperfect.

Our inner feelings are so unrefined that we nevertheless perceive our most blissful state as imperfect. Even now, we are in an absolutely perfect state. However, we are sent such thoughts and feelings that it seems to us that we are in a different, bad state, as it is said, When we return to the Creator, we will see it was all a dream.

Then we will realize that our sensations were totally unimproved, that we saw reality quite differently from what it really was at the time. We could not perceive it correctly, for our senses were incorrectly tuned.
p. 28, chapter "The Introduction to the Article 'The Preamble to the Wisdom of Kabbalah,'" in The Science of Kabbalah (Pticha).

Writer's Block

Fractions of words

Stumbling thoughts

Image fragments

Nothing.