Crossroads

I am really beginning to understand what "cold feet" is all about. We've been living together for over a year & a half & a part of one another's lives for a couple of years now, but getting married is a whole other ball game. My mind goes bananas looking for all of the possible things that can go wrong. Is he the right guy for me? Will we be happy? Will we be able to tolerate one another for ever & ever & ever & ever & ever??? I've had plenty of experience in the dating world. There are plenty of people who just don't belong together. Plenty of people I tried to force myself to stay with...but I really don't have to force anything with Mike. It all comes naturally. We have our spats. We had one yesterday. We get mad, we blow up, we hate being mad at each other & realize it's not even worth getting mad over & in an instant we are lovey-dovey again. I can't imagine my life without him. It's just a major life commitment that takes some getting used to. I feel my teenaged rebelliousness trying to come out every once in a while & I have to suppress it. I'm an adult now. Change & commitment just isn't something I've ever adapted to without qualms in the past & I guess that's not any different now in this situation. Part of me doesn't want to grow up, ever. Part of me can't grow up fast enough. Those parts are duking it out inside...the wiser will win...the adult inside of me will beat that wayward teen to a pulp!

Ramblings of a sick woman

I didn't go to work today. I have been coughing the last couple of days...but I've been fine. Today...I couldn't go. I hit a wall. Or, rather, I felt like something hit me. Usually I fantasize about what I'd do if only I could have a day off...what do I do when I get one...ABSOLUTELY NOTHING. Damn mortality.

I have been so clumsy this week. My brother called me after I had came home for lunch yesterday. Apparently I had left the oven on & went back to work. The day before I had spilled my coffee all over the place right at the moment the vendor I was calling picked up her phone. I think it's my equilibrium or something.

I've been taking this stuff for my migraines...Topamax & have been having disturbing yet vivid dreams. I start remembering them at the oddest times...usually in the middle of a conversation at work...I know dreams are symbols that your subconscious uses to make sense of things in your life. Why doesn't your conscious understand what those symbols stand for?

I have registered almost everysingleday since Jan. 1 to win the HGTV Dream Home in Winter Park, Colorado...I wonder if I have a shot??? I think I'd sell it pronto & turn around & flip a bunch of houses & make some serious bank. I'll do that as my career & travel in between flips. It'd be FABULOUS!

I hate Baton Rouge.

I hate Louisiana.

I hate my frizzy, wavy hair...most people don't even know that's what it looks like. I straighten it every day. I want to cut it all off after I get married.

I want to start RUNNING. Yup...I'm going to do it for real. Can someone please hold me accountable & ask me if I'm doing it? Let me get well first. I'll try to start off in the morning before work. I need some endorphins!

When I woke up this morning I found a cut-out heart with a love note from Mike. It was so sweet. He's not the love-note-writing type...he buys cards & stuff, but doesn't usually do this. I found the scissors & scraps of left over paper. It had such a profound affect on me...I can't even describe it...it's little things like that that are really SO BIG to me!

Oh & I think my public speaking issues have everything to do with self-confidence or lack thereof...it has came & went over the years. I got nothing but compliments the last time, so that boosts it a little. It's the anticipation of failure maybe??? I dunno...I think if you have awesome public speaking skills then there isn't hardly anything you can't do! I'll conquer & prevail...i hope.

Yowsers

So this new job really takes me out of my comfort zones...BIG TIME! I have major public speaking issues...me & most of the world's population. I'm constantly trying to adapt & overcome, though, & this is the latest episode. I have to give a kind of first day/orientation speech to all of the new classes. I have been reading up on what in the hell to do...I mean I have a full blown PANIC ATTACK in front of the room...even if it's only 5 people! I went out & bought an easel & flip chart & made a cool presentation aid with clip art & stuff to guide me along. I still had the panic attack, but it wasn't an utter failure. All you can do is learn as you go...I am all ears for advice on what else I can possibly do! I used to teach aerobics & that was totally different. At least I was making my audience DO something. They weren't just sitting there looking at me. I HATE that!