I QUIT!!! I have dreams to pursue & it's now or never!

This just isn't the place for me. I'm like a soda bottle in a hot Louisiana car...expanding until I explode. I've got to spread my wings & not let fear or expectations of other people hold me back. I'd rather not explode & I'm sure the people around me would be better off if I didn't either. I left a jail cell for another jail cell...only difference is location & what we busy ourselves with. It's not the world I want to be a part of. It's like trying to fit the square toy into the round slot. It doesn't fit & it'll never fit. You could shave off the corners, but then it'd no longer be a sqaure, now would it? I like my edge. I want to keep it & I don't want to change to fit into the mold. I am setting myself free. Everything will fall into place. It always has & it always will. I put my life into God's hands & I trust the road he leads me down.

I DO have a vehicle for a plan, though. I've already signed up to sell Arbonne International. I plan to use my education & energy to sell to spas & salons. I will also sign up to substitute teach. This stage fright thing really has a lot to do with the environment. I've done so much in the past & been fine. I just need the right outlet. I want to teach elementary. Substitute teaching will give me a chance to try out different grades & to see if it's for me. If it IS then I can do an alternative certification program. I always used to want to be a teacher...I used to teach my legions of dolls (all named MARY of course...I have no idea why I was obsessed with that name). I would be an awesome teacher...it would probably teach me a thing or two about patience among other things.

Throughout my years of college I always had a few different jobs/projects going at once. I guess what I want most of all is flexibility. I don't like sitting day after day between four walls, stuck to a chair & surrounded by people with clashing personalities. I've always wanted to do freelance writing & photography. I'd be able to do that now. I can finally take leisure classes at LSU (I've been a union member for a while & have never had the chance to use it). AND I can study the Real Estate market & may even take the Real Estate exam. I still have my plan for staging houses & a contact in the market who is interested in helping me out...not to mention that Mike & I want to get our feet in the door & start flipping houses for profit! Oh & custom-building furniture. (Did I mention he built me a picnic table on Sunday?) I like choices. I like variety. I am a multi-fauceted person who needs many outlets & has many talents. I am not going to tuck myself miserably away in someone's damp, dingy jail cell anymore. I checked myself in, but it's time to check myself back out. Adios Amigos!!!

BIG NEWS!!!

I'm pregnant!!!

Winds of change

Last night I dreamt that I had two twin baby boys. I wasn't sure if they were mine or someone else's though. I loved them...I knew that.

Today Mike built me a picnic table & we went looking for the neighborhood where we want to buy our house. I think we found it. It's all new construction in St. Gabriel, LA. We were actually looking for a place to buy crawfish & just ended up there. I was IN LOVE. The neighborhood is beautiful & surrounded by woods/swamp & even a golf course! Actually the golf course is in another neighborhood...we'd have to jump over the creek/canal/swampy thing & sneak in. I don't play golf anyway...but there's no time like the present to start! (now DISC golf is freaking awesome though)!

Change is in the air...& I couldn't be happier!

Happy

Today is the greatest...not for any reason in particular. I want to share my happiness with you and you and you. I wish I could give you all a great big internet hug and pinch your cheeks & sing frosty the snowman, the star-spangled banner & he set me free to you all (they've all been stuck in my head & rotating in & out since yesterday).

Crossroads

I am really beginning to understand what "cold feet" is all about. We've been living together for over a year & a half & a part of one another's lives for a couple of years now, but getting married is a whole other ball game. My mind goes bananas looking for all of the possible things that can go wrong. Is he the right guy for me? Will we be happy? Will we be able to tolerate one another for ever & ever & ever & ever & ever??? I've had plenty of experience in the dating world. There are plenty of people who just don't belong together. Plenty of people I tried to force myself to stay with...but I really don't have to force anything with Mike. It all comes naturally. We have our spats. We had one yesterday. We get mad, we blow up, we hate being mad at each other & realize it's not even worth getting mad over & in an instant we are lovey-dovey again. I can't imagine my life without him. It's just a major life commitment that takes some getting used to. I feel my teenaged rebelliousness trying to come out every once in a while & I have to suppress it. I'm an adult now. Change & commitment just isn't something I've ever adapted to without qualms in the past & I guess that's not any different now in this situation. Part of me doesn't want to grow up, ever. Part of me can't grow up fast enough. Those parts are duking it out inside...the wiser will win...the adult inside of me will beat that wayward teen to a pulp!

Ramblings of a sick woman

I didn't go to work today. I have been coughing the last couple of days...but I've been fine. Today...I couldn't go. I hit a wall. Or, rather, I felt like something hit me. Usually I fantasize about what I'd do if only I could have a day off...what do I do when I get one...ABSOLUTELY NOTHING. Damn mortality.

I have been so clumsy this week. My brother called me after I had came home for lunch yesterday. Apparently I had left the oven on & went back to work. The day before I had spilled my coffee all over the place right at the moment the vendor I was calling picked up her phone. I think it's my equilibrium or something.

I've been taking this stuff for my migraines...Topamax & have been having disturbing yet vivid dreams. I start remembering them at the oddest times...usually in the middle of a conversation at work...I know dreams are symbols that your subconscious uses to make sense of things in your life. Why doesn't your conscious understand what those symbols stand for?

I have registered almost everysingleday since Jan. 1 to win the HGTV Dream Home in Winter Park, Colorado...I wonder if I have a shot??? I think I'd sell it pronto & turn around & flip a bunch of houses & make some serious bank. I'll do that as my career & travel in between flips. It'd be FABULOUS!

I hate Baton Rouge.

I hate Louisiana.

I hate my frizzy, wavy hair...most people don't even know that's what it looks like. I straighten it every day. I want to cut it all off after I get married.

I want to start RUNNING. Yup...I'm going to do it for real. Can someone please hold me accountable & ask me if I'm doing it? Let me get well first. I'll try to start off in the morning before work. I need some endorphins!

When I woke up this morning I found a cut-out heart with a love note from Mike. It was so sweet. He's not the love-note-writing type...he buys cards & stuff, but doesn't usually do this. I found the scissors & scraps of left over paper. It had such a profound affect on me...I can't even describe it...it's little things like that that are really SO BIG to me!

Oh & I think my public speaking issues have everything to do with self-confidence or lack thereof...it has came & went over the years. I got nothing but compliments the last time, so that boosts it a little. It's the anticipation of failure maybe??? I dunno...I think if you have awesome public speaking skills then there isn't hardly anything you can't do! I'll conquer & prevail...i hope.

Yowsers

So this new job really takes me out of my comfort zones...BIG TIME! I have major public speaking issues...me & most of the world's population. I'm constantly trying to adapt & overcome, though, & this is the latest episode. I have to give a kind of first day/orientation speech to all of the new classes. I have been reading up on what in the hell to do...I mean I have a full blown PANIC ATTACK in front of the room...even if it's only 5 people! I went out & bought an easel & flip chart & made a cool presentation aid with clip art & stuff to guide me along. I still had the panic attack, but it wasn't an utter failure. All you can do is learn as you go...I am all ears for advice on what else I can possibly do! I used to teach aerobics & that was totally different. At least I was making my audience DO something. They weren't just sitting there looking at me. I HATE that!