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Tuesday, May 30, 2006

long weekends, bikes, thieves, and karma...mix and serve.

3-day weekends rock. Except, it makes you want a 4-day weekend, then that makes you want a 5-day one...we're never satisfied...

So, we may be buying a house. Putting down roots...it's nerve-racking and exhilerating (sp?) at the same time.

Oh, and we bought bikes, finally. We rode for hours and hours this weekend. I forgot what fun it was since my bike got STOLEN a couple of years back from LSU. I HATE THIEVES! I hope karma f****s them in the a**! I'm still bitter. I know, so unlady-like...whatever.

Monday, May 22, 2006

It's official and...I'm scarred for life.

We're ENGAGED!!!! I'll take a picture of the beautiful ring and post it for anyone that's interested in seeing! Now the wedding planning can officially begin! This is the real deal and I couldn't be more elated!!!

We went to Florida this weekend with my family and actually had a blast. Sunday, we were wrapping it up with some snorkeling on the bayside of Santa Rosa island. We snorkeled pretty far away from where we had set up camp. Mike proclaimed he'd seen all there was to see and got out and walked back. My brother and I wanted to stay longer (I wanted to show him some cool coral Mike had found the day before)...then we decided to go get my sister so she could see. Instead of swimming all the way back, we decided to follow Mike's lead and get out and walk back. I told Van to be careful not to touch the rocks because they were EXTREMELY sharp. Once he was safely out, I began my ascent. I was looking for a non-slimy rock to get a good footing, found it, pulled my other leg up and scraped it. It seemed fine. I took a few steps and looked down at the scrape. IT WAS HORRIBLE! I could see all that lovely meat under my skin with blood oozing out. I stayed calm and began walking very quickly to my family. The more steps I took, the fainter I felt. I collapsed on a bench and Dr. Mike fixed me up with some salt water rinse, baby wipes, and band-aids. Someone in the crowd had a 1/2 pain pill for me. We decided to wrap the trip up there and head home. I rode half way there in my wet bathing suit. Amazingly, I feel no pain. Of course, I'm still wearing the same bandages from yesterday. I'm too scared to take them off. My boss doesn't help today when he tells me that someone he knows had the same thing happen to them, but from barnacles on a boat and almost didn't survive due to some kind of viral or bacterial infection from the cut. Maybe I'll go to the Dr. Everyone says I definately need stitches anyway.

I had this feeling that someone would get hurt.

Lesson learned: swim to an exit that doesn't have rocks with sharp protruding seashells to get out of the water.

We had talked about getting tattoos, but couldn't find a place in Pensacola. Now I don't need one, I'm going to have an awesome-shaped scar for life-and it was completely free!!!

Friday, May 19, 2006

Can't sleep...

I hate when I'm wide awake this late...it cuts into my required 8 hours of sleep damnit! I don't think I'm overly excited about going to Florida w/ my family this weekend. It's funny...all of these years and we've never gone on a vacation together. We decided to make it our Mother's Day treat. It'll be Mike & I, My sister, niece & nephew, My mom & stepdad & my brother. Everyone is so down in the dumps. Ayeyaiyai! It's amazing the holes we can dig ourselves into and then forget that we dug the hole ourselves and turn around and believe someone else put us there and we're trapped and can't get out.

My neighbor's dog comes to mind. All of this time I thought they had a fence ALL the way around their house because their dog, Bentley, is always back there. I knew they had an electric fence, but I thought it was just for keeping him out of the flower beds. One day he gets loose and I ask Mike how he got out. Apparently, the driveway was wide open with only the electric fence as a barrier. Well, it just happened to go out for a little while and Bentley figured it out somehow. All that time, the only thing that stood between that poor pup and freedom was a small shock that probably wouldn't have hurt that bad or lasted that long. It's ironic when you compare that to people and their prisons they lock themselves into. I mean, that we lock ourselves into. We're too afraid to experience some short term pain...even if it brings long-term benefits.

Wednesday, May 17, 2006

Trauma_Heals

It has significant meaning to me...but I imagine some who don't know me well may think it's a little morbid...It reminds me, however, that the suffering we endure makes us stronger when we learn from it. I embrace my past now. I realize that it was necessary. I'm much more spiritual because of it. I think that we all need shocks to our systems to remind us of what's important in this life. It's so easy to get caught up in trivial things and matters that really don't matter at all. Comfort zones are really really bad things. I challenge everyone to do something to break out of one of theirs and see what kind of new experiences you can have. Let me know how it turns out if you want.

Thursday, May 11, 2006

Note to self

Stifled creativity

Wisdom in retrospect

Pessimistic complacence

Biding my time

Waiting...waiting

Something's coming

Thursday, May 04, 2006

I can't believe I still dream about it

The child that never was. I don't think about it, but something in my mind does. It's there, submerged in a hidden place that can only be found in my dreams. The child reminding me that it wanted to be mine. In the dream I am running for the plane before it leaves for Kuwait. My clothes are falling off. I am jumping over falling trees. Climbing endless ladders that break away and fall with me still clinging. I frantically search the plane for my child. I find her in a hidden room. I am in my underwear. I see people on the plane that I know, but ignore them. I don't feel like explaining myself. I beg my parents to take the child. They look on, detached and indifferent. They are empty shells. I have nothing. I can't care for this child with ice cold feet. I have no socks for it. I listen to myself talking calling it "it" and remind myself it is a "she". Or is it a "he"? I don't care, because it is safe with me now. I will not torture myself for the rest of my life, worrying about my child's future. I wake up, realizing I already took the future away.

This time I only shed a single tear, but my heart is breaking.
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