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Wednesday, December 21, 2005

Changes

Everyone should carefully observe which way his heart draws him, and then choose that way with all his strength." --Hasidic Saying I turned in my two-week notice to TNT yesterday. How the hell I ended up in a place like that I just couldn't say. It was like a vampire...sucking the life out of me. Maybe it was so I could meet some great people who did make me feel good to be around...but the job, the environment...totally not me. Why do I feel so down today? What is missing? Something.

Ponderings

Where are the positive influences? The role models? The wise? Why do I feel the same way over and over in repeated cycles? I have become numb, then overly-emotional...overly analytical, ignorant, wise. Why do I hate so much about myself? I can't forget all of the terrible things that have happened to me...I can't be the person I want to be. Why is that? I am closed off from the world. I am lazy. Have I given up? If only.......what?

Dissappointments

I expect so much more out of people...they ALWAYS disappoint me. "Want to make God laugh? Tell him your plans..." I want stability. I need a rock to stand on to enjoy the view safely and soundly. As I sturdy myself, the view becomes more beautiful. The rock gets higher, expanding, strengthening. I can reach the sky. I can see all that I desire to see. I can feel the warmth of the sun. The haze evaporates. My senses strengthen. I can focus...things become clear. Gravity takes on new meaning as my feet leave the rock and I can float out of the atmosphere. I can see what I couldn't fathom. "Afoot and light-hearted I take to the open road healthy, free, the world before me, The long brown path leading wherever I choose." --Walt Whitman
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