a dirty look works for once

sitting outside the union, doing last minute reading b/t classes... ah, the day is beautiful. Birds singing...hum of students as they pass me by. Quietly reading, enjoying my solitude amidst the bustle... Then... YACK! YACK! YACK! Two bitches sit NEXT to me (forgetting there are OH SO MANY other places not located directly next to someone in deep concentration) yacking their fucking heads off as if they need everyone in the world to hear their conversation! Solution: Headphones and Sarah McLachlan...I shoot them a smug "I win" look. Back to reading with a nice soundrack heightens my absorption of Emmanual Levinas on theology and God's absence from western philosophy... I deeply inhale the sweet spring air...yum... YUCK! My lungs fill with smoke... my eyes dart over past the gabbling hacks and a girl is taking deep drags off a nasty cigarette... I picture the commercial about the receivers of second-hand smoke blowing smoke out of their own mouths... I wonder how to show her this at this very moment... Instead I shoot her a dirty "you are slowly killing me look" and wait... she gets up and leaves. SHE GETS UP AND LEAVES?! That never happens... ...that must have been some dirty look...or quite the coincidence.

Mischief and Me

This weekend explodes with stories.... I'll be brief. Mike and I decided to be adventuress we hopped the gate to the Pete Maravich Assembly Center to get a better look at the massive tiger habitat they are building. That not being mischievious enough, we climbed the tennis stadium and ran around like crazies. On the way out, we were trying NOT to be seen by traffic. He made it out undetected but as soon as I was dangling mid-air a car pulls right up to where we were...my reaction? ...to drop from 8 feet in the air landing on my left hand and my ass OUCH! We skiipped off giggling like chilluns (but my wrist HURT)! Helped my sister move into her new place. Searched up and down the Southdowns community for a house. Found it on the third day. It's BEAUTIFUL! Oh, did I mentioned he asked me to move in with him?! I think I did. We also went to the Unitarian Universalist Church again. They had the coolest Earth Day program ever. I signed up for their environmental committee... I'm becoming domesticated...sorta.

In retrospect to a suicide wish

If I had ever succeeded in those days when the spiraling downward had stopped...at the bottom, in ending my life, it would have been such a tragedy...in retrospect. I became indifferent, lost, sunk into despair...who knew that it was temporary? I wonder about those who succeed...lost souls...but then I think about the ones who live their entire lives in little worlds surrounded by tall walls that have been constructed around them by themselves and circumstance w/out a window to see the stars and beyond...that's the real tragedy. I am waking up....I can see the stars....

meaningless chatter

I hear so many people talking who never SAY anything...I am so uninterested in what too many people have to say. I like deep, meaningful conversations... I wonder if I'm a snob? I don't think I am, but I really don't care to interact with people unless they have some kind of purpose in my life...hmmm I think tha t people probably misperceive me... It's kind of a paradox, though, because, at times, I just say whatever is on my mind, however meaningless it is. I guess in certain situations, I hate the quiet, so I talk. I'm slowly starting to see that I get on my own nerves when I do this.